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I love White House (SOTU)(4 posts)

I love White House (SOTU)bboc
Jan 22, 2004 11:49 AM
.org that is....

They certainly get the 9-11/Terrorism FEAR FEAR FEAR thing right.

The United States Capitol
Washington, D.C.
THE PRESIDENT: Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, fellow Republican CEOs, terrorist-coddling liberals, telegenic colored toddlers, and uniform-wearing military props:

America this evening is a nation whipped into a state of perpetual paranoia over terrorism. And I, your Supreme and Omnipotent Leader, am rising to sustain that. (Applause.)

In short... BE AFRAID. Be very afraid. Be constantly and persistently afraid. Be totally consumed by fear. Be absolutely, sh@t-in-your-Dockers terrified. To do otherwise is to voluntarily lay your blue-eyed babies at the Muslamian altar of sacrificial murder. Of course, don't be so a'scared that you feel like you can't let your kids play hopscotch on the sidewalk or go about your daily business as if you were living in the 90's. I've got your back. In fact, I'm the only one who knows how to protect this country from the hole dwellers who tried to kill my daddy.

As we gather tonight, America's military is stretched paper-thin across the face of the Earth. The servicemen and women for whom I feign respect are committing suicide and resigning their commissions in droves. Yet by scattering them around like so much disposal bio-confetti, we keep our domestic news media fixated on war, and in so doing continue to pound the enormous bongo drums of fear which buoy my approval ratings so gloriously. (Applause.)

Indeed, hundreds of military grunts are losing their lives so that you and I can secure the SUV juice we need to keep our country running. Who controls the spice... er, "oil," controls the UNIVERSE! And we thank the Hailiburton Corporation for their tax-deductible, pre-war donation of over 100,000 beautifully ornate military tombstones. (Applause.)

After all, our veterans deserve no less. (Applause.)

Tonight, members of this Republican Congress can take pride in having joined me in donning a fabulous star-spangled toga, invoking terror ad nauseum, and successfully imploding six miserable and horrifying decades of misguided legislation designed by evildoers (yes, American evildoers!) to interfere with God's divine plan for our nation's socio-economically inferior. Way to go, boys. (Applause.)

I want to thank the Democrats, in particular, for having purged their skeletons of the unruly vertebrae which might have otherwise prevented me from experiencing the groin-moistening satisfaction of effortless domination. I know that after this speech, Tom Daschle and Nancy Pelosi will stutter through their prepared remarks with all the persuasiveness and gravitas of a Richard Simmons tutorial on eating pu$$y. And for that, I am doubly thankful. (Applause.)

Moving forward, our nation faces a choice. We can act like a sissy little school girl, and waste a bunch of time thinking and talking about boring, non-terror-related stuff – or we can be a massively studly dude, and stay totally focused on bringing the world's most powerful arsenal to bear upon a few hundred hole-dwelling, lice-bearded boogey men. Now some say I'm thick as a brick, but I'm not blind to the irony there. Whoever would have guessed that Americans could believe that the only way to be "tough" is to twist your panties in a frantic perma-knot over some boxcutter-wielding religious loonies all named Mohammed? Not me, for one. But hey, whatever works! (Applause.)

(President holds fingers up and begins counting) Er. twenty-eight months have passed since September 11th, 2001. That's gotta be over at least 100 days. Now given that I mention 9/11™ every five minutes of the 10 hours each day that I'm not sleeping, napping, or funneling
Hilarious!!Jon Billheimer
Jan 22, 2004 11:55 AM
And, as in all satire, there's a huge element of truth here....and that is sad!
re: I love White House (SOTU)Spoiler
Jan 23, 2004 5:49 AM
He forgot to thank the American public for eating all this up. Any nation worth it's salt can muster an outcry loud enough to put all this to an end. The hard-hearted social Darwinian in me feels that if Iraqi people didn't have the balls to stand up to their tyrant, they deserve to be ruled by him still. Same goes for the American people.
re: I love White House (SOTU)Jon Billheimer
Jan 23, 2004 8:06 AM
You have a point. Who was it that said that the people always get the government that they deserve?