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Any good jokes?(19 posts)

Any good jokes?Starliner
Nov 14, 2003 2:32 PM
As it's Friday, let's break from war talk, and maybe help each other with expanding our jokebooks. So here's a short one for starters....

Two women were gossiping about guys one day, and one of them said to the other,

"Well, last Friday night I found out that Johnny has a tattoo printed right on his penis. It says "SWAN".

The other one looked at her, and responded,

"Johnny? You mean Johnny Jones? Why, I thought it said, "SASKATCHEWAN".
riddleDougSloan
Nov 14, 2003 2:36 PM
Two older ladies went to a baseball game. They liked to tip a few, so they smuggled in a bottle of whiskey. They would buy Cokes and pour in a little each time, and after a while they were pretty lit. Suddenly, they realized the booze was all gone.

Now, based on that information, what inning is it, and how many men are on base? (scroll down for answer)

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It's the bottom of the 5th and the bags are loaded.
How do they make holy water?RoyGBiv
Nov 14, 2003 3:01 PM
They boil the hell out of it.

(Sorry, best I could do off the top.)
Part Onemoneyman
Nov 14, 2003 3:25 PM
The bell-ringer in a church dies, and the pastor sets out to search for a new one. He places and ad in the local paper and waits. The next day, an armless man shows up at the door with a copy of the ad. "Can I help you?" asks the preacher. "I'm here about the bell-ringer job" says the armless man. The preacher is puzzled: "How do you plan to ring the bell? You have no arms to pull the rope!" The applicant says "Just get me a ladder and I'll show you."

The preacher gets a tall step ladder and sets it up under the bell. The armless man carefully walks up the ladder until his face is even with the bell. He leans back, then smashes his face into the bell, creating a beautiful toll that echoes throughout the land around. The preacher is astounded, and asks if that doesn't cause great pain for the armless man. The armless man says there is no pain, and he has been doing this for years. The preacher then rather reluctantly offers the man the job as the new bell-ringer. The armless man is so excited that he jumps for joy, misses the step on the ladder and falls to the concrete floor below, fatally injuring himself.

The preacher is shocked and calls the police. While the photographer is taking pictures of the tragic scene, a detective is questioning the preacher. "So what happened, Father?" The preacher describes the grisly scene. The detective then asks: "What was the poor guy's name? The preacher thinks for a minute, then realizes that he never asked the armless man. He looks at the detective and says: "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."
Part Twomoneyman
Nov 14, 2003 3:28 PM
The preacher is still in need of a bell-ringer and places another ad. The next day there is a knock on the door. He opens the door to see an armless man who asks about the job. "No. Not again. I am not going to hire you. I just had an awful experience with someone like you." The armless man said: "Oh, that was my brother. He wasn't real bright, but I am much smarter. Please give me a chance. I really need the job."

The preacher hesitantly agrees, and leads the man to the bell tower where he sets up the stepladder again. The man climbs the ladder, leans back and then, like his brother, smashes his face into the bell creating another beautiful toll. The preacher is amazed and offers the man the job. The man is so excited he leans back to let out a big "yahoo", only to lean too far and fall backwards off the ladder, falling to the ground and smashing his skull.
The preacher, shocked once more, calls the police. More photos and the same detective. The detective asks what happened this time. The preacher tells him the whole story. The detective asks: "What was THIS guy's name, Father?" The preacher thinks and realizes he never got far this time, either. He looked at the detective and said: "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

$$
jeez those are funny... here's a simple one....rwbadley
Nov 14, 2003 11:50 PM
Horse walks into a bar (tavern, pub)...

Barkeep says: 'Hey buddy, why the long face?'

ba da bump.
nasty, don't read..rwbadley
Nov 15, 2003 12:04 AM
The Guys girlfiend invites him over to her Parents house for dinner.

She says 'we have this contest, the first one that speaks during dinner has to do the dishes'

During dinner, he thinks 'hmmm I could have fun with this' and grabs his girl (the daughter)and proceeds to pork her on the dining table. When they finish they return to their seats. The parents are apoplectic. Nothing is said.

A few minutes later, he grabs the Mom and the same scene ensues. Facial hystrionics, but nothing is said.

He get's up to leave, goes outside to his bike, and finds his shifter stuck. He goes inside the house to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, grabs the Vaseline and heads out thru the dining room back to his bike outside.

As he heads out, the Father sees the jar of Vaseline in the Guys hand and blurts out ' OK, I'll do the Dam Dishes'...

ba da bing
A bit politicalFr Ted Crilly
Nov 14, 2003 4:03 PM
News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have
swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher
Mohammed Al-Hazar.

Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of

a ruler,
a protractor,
a set square
and a calculator

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US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming
evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction
re: Any good jokes?4bykn
Nov 15, 2003 5:39 AM
It had been a quiet night at the local bar so far, but then the door
was thrown open and an Interstate highway strode in. "I'm an Inter-
state highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to coast and have
at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length.
I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the
highways, and I'm afraid of no highway and no road." He then strode up
to the bar, ordered a beer, and began drinking it, while looking
around. A short time later, a four-lane highway came in, went to the end of
the bar, and ordered a beer. The Interstate looked him over and
walked over to him. "I'm an Interstate highway," he declared. "I
stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders,
and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit
of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not afraid of
you." The four-lane highway said "I agree that you're the best. I don't
want any trouble with you. Let me buy you a beer", and he did. They
drank their beers and discussed their engineering specifications. After a half hour, the door opened again and a two-lane road came in,
went to the other end of the bar, and ordered a beer. The Interstate
looked him over and told the four-lane highway that he had to take
care of the new arrival. He walked over to the two-lane road and said
"I'm an Interstate highway. I stretch from coast to coast and have at
least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I
have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the
highways, and I'm not afraid of you." The two-lane road quivered a bit and said "You're absolutely right.
You are the best of the highways. I'm just a lowly two-lane road. I
don't want any trouble. Can I buy beers for you and the four-lane
highway?" The Interstate motioned the four-lane highway to come over,
the two-lane road bought beers for each of them, and the three of
them drank their beers and discussed the merits of various paving
materials. After another half hour, the door opened again and a strip of asphalt
about eight feet wide came in. The Interstate highway ducked behind
the bar and hid there quivering quietly. The bartender was shocked.
After serving the asphalt strip, he walked over to where the
Interstate was hiding. "I watched you stand up to the four-lane
highway and the two-lane road. You said you weren't afraid of any
highway or road. Why are you hiding from that little asphalt strip?"
The Interstate replied quietly, "It's true that I'm not afraid of
any highway or road, but he's a cycle path."
a bit risque.;)rufus
Nov 15, 2003 7:11 AM
two priests had just completed their afternoon game of basketball, and were taking a shower in the monastery facilities. after they got the water running, one of them noticed they had no soap. the other said"there's some down the hall in the storage closet", so the first priest decided he'd just sneek down the hall real quick, grab a couple of bars, and then race back to the shower.

so he hops out, butt naked, races to the closet, and is on his way back when he hears three nuns from around the corner, heading right toward him. thinking quickly, he ducked back against the wall, struck a pose, and hoped they'd think he was just another statue that were present throughout the monastery.

the nuns round the corner and walk by, but stop right in front of him, giggling a bit at the naked statue in front of them. one of them reaches out and gives a playful tug on the priest's genitalia, startling him so much he dropped one of the bars of soap. "look", said the first nun, "it's a soap dispensor."

the second nun reached out and also gave it a tug, and the priest dropped the other bar of soap. smiling shyly, the third nun reached out, gave a tug, and then looked up disappointedly. "you guys both got a bar of soap, but all i got was this hand cream."
Bike WeddingJack9
Nov 15, 2003 4:28 PM
A man and a woman are standing at the altar before a priest, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he's brought his bicycle with him. "Why the hell did you bring your bike to our wedding?" she asks. "Well", the groom replies, " this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"
one special pigJack9
Nov 15, 2003 4:29 PM
One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender, being the observant sort, noticed right off that the pig had a wooden leg. He goes over to the man and asks about it.
The man says "For a beer I'll tell you all about this very special pig." The bartender figures it's got to be a good story and so gives the man a beer. The man starts "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. About a year ago my house caught on fire at night. This pig broke out of his pen, came into the house, dragged my two littlest children to safety, woke me and my wife and then guided us out of the house. This pig saved my life and my family's lives."
The bartender, impressed but still wondering about the leg, asks "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says "For another beer I'll tell you about this very special pig." The bartender, hooked, gives him another beer. The man says "Out behind my house is a small lake. I was out sailing on it when the boat capsized. I cracked my head on the boom and couldn't swim. This pig broke out of his pen, swam out to me and dragged me to shore. He then went into the house and got my wife to come out. She gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. This pig saved my life."
The bartender, fascinated but getting a little impatient, asks "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"
The man says "For another beer...." The bartender gives him another beer. The man says "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during a tornado I was on my way to the basement when I stepped onto a rake and knocked myself out. This pig broke out of his pen and dragged me into the basement. He saved my life."
The bartender, figuring this has got to be the last story, says, "Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, a tornado and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says "Well sir, with a pig this special you don't eat it all at once."
re: Any good jokes?jaybird
Nov 15, 2003 5:29 PM
Did you hear about the two gay irishmen?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael
re: Any good jokes?Jusme
Nov 17, 2003 7:13 AM
A few years ago I was dating this wonderful woman. Beautiful face and body and a wonderful personality. Her name was Robin.

She just had one hang-up. She had hair on her chest. It never bothered me, but she would obsess over it.

Finally, I suggeted she see her Dr. and I would go along for support.

Before the Dr. examines her, he asks the standard questions: "How long have you had this problem?"
"Since I was about 18", she says.
(I'm in the room, by the way)

"What have you done for the problem previously?"
"Other women in your family with the problem?" "No."

The Dr. was obviously perplexed and finally asked, "How far down does the hair go?"

"All the way to my balls" Robin said.

We broke up a few months later.
Ha ha... here's another medically oriented joke:Starliner
Nov 17, 2003 1:46 PM
The prostitute took this man up to her room, where he promptly began to undress.

"Aaaaghh!" she exclaimed upon seeing his ugly, knobby knees as his pants dropped to the floor. "What in earth happened to you?"

He explained, "When I was very young, I came down with a case of kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?" she replied.

"No, it was kneesles," he answered just as he was taking his socks off.

"YIKES!" the prostitute shrieked as she took a look at the man's ugly, deformed toes.

"Well," he said, "I also happened to have toelio when I was young."

And then he took off his boxer shorts. The prostitute took one long look at his manhood, and commented,

"Well, I suppose you're now going to tell me you also had a case of smallcox once, didn't you?"
Why won't a bicycle stand up by itself?Spoke Wrench
Nov 17, 2003 3:37 PM
Because it's too tired.
Know why 6 is afraid of 7?Spoke Wrench
Nov 17, 2003 3:41 PM
Because seven eight nine.
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Sorry, I drive a school bus so I get this kind of stuff all the time.
Yep, an elementary school favoritemickey-mac
Nov 17, 2003 4:50 PM
My daughter's first grade class sets aside some time each week for kids to share jokes. That was my daughter's joke last week. It was a big hit with the six year old crowd.

Here's a big first grade knock, knock joke

Knock, knock.
Who's there.
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there.
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there.
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange ya glad I didn't say banana?
re: Any good jokes?jaybike
Nov 19, 2003 8:12 PM
A blonde was standing at the riverside. She yells to a blonde on the other side, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?" The 2nd one yells back "You are on the other side!"