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The Importance of Quality Toilet Paper (toilet humor)(6 posts)

The Importance of Quality Toilet Paper (toilet humor)Spoiler
May 27, 2003 8:47 PM
While dealing with the consequences and repercussions of a bad Philly Cheese Steak, I learned something new and possibly important.

The intensity of the session warranted a roll change. I carefully maneuvering to the supply shelf, and returned safely to the cockpit. Normally, I'd just unconsciously make the switch, but this time I noticed the packaging of the Quilted Northern had more printing than you'd expect from a straightforeward product like tp. On closer inspection, it had a HECK of a lot of information.

Aside from the usual propoganda touting the strength and softness of the product, the package informed me that this product is protected under no less than THIRTEEN patents. I doubt the toilet I was sitting on has that many patents.
Furthermore, the phrases "QUILTED NORTHERN, FOR A QUILTED CLEAN and it's embossed patterns are trademarks.

The Natinal Sanitation Foundation certifies that Quilted Northern is safe for standard sewer and septic systems.

If I have any questions or comments about Quilted Northern bathroom tissue, I can call toll-free 1-800-283-5547.
Now I'm really tempted to call and let the phone representative know how much I had just enjoyed using their product. I doubt the rep would be disconcerted. The person is probably used to hearing from people with QUESTIONS about the product, questions about how to use the product.

Smart consumers probably read the package and visited the website. Yes, my toilet paper has its own dedicated website at
This site is a F'N GOLDMINE! Here are some actual site features
1. The history of TP
2. Create your own Quilted Northern pattern and send it to a friend
3. mwv movie illustrations of Quilted Northern's absorbing power in action
4. an FAQ (Are two plies better than one?)
5. Test your TP IQ

Am I the only one that finds this fasinating?
Are the patents worth the paper they're printed on?...rwbadley
May 27, 2003 9:01 PM
Sorry, couldn't resist...
Sounds like better reading than Bicycling Mag (nm)jesse1
May 28, 2003 8:32 AM
Sounds like better reading than Bicycling Mag (nm)Spoiler
May 28, 2003 9:23 AM
If the editors of Bicycling were responsible for the content of the tp package you'd find this info.
1. Thirty days to a faster wipe
2. Wipe like Lance; We'll show you how.
3. Are you a folder or a wadder? Learn to wipe to your strengths.
4. Wiping on a budget. Five papers under $5.
5. Anatomic seats, find one that's right for you.
6. Avoiding the middle finger break through, smooth out your wipe.
7. Tech Talk: New light weight double plys from Charmin.
8. Ask the pro: Can a lefty wiper cut it in a righty wiping sport?
9. Chill Out. How to avoid the "cold seat".
and of course there would be at least seven advertisements asking you to join the ALAW (American League of A$$Wipes.)
are you posting from the throne?JS Haiku Shop
May 28, 2003 9:29 AM
gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "log on".

are you posting from the throne?Spoiler
May 28, 2003 10:08 AM
I'm shocked and ashamed at this low humor.
But it still makes me laugh.