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I wish I were a Lesbian...(25 posts)

I wish I were a Lesbian...rwbadley
May 18, 2003 8:32 PM
So, I have a female aquaintance, she happens to be a Lesbian. Funny, cute gal. She shows me a 'top ten' list of reasons why it is better to be Lesbian than Hetero. I think this is pretty funny, most of the stuff is obvious; like 'Men are pigs' 'less mess' and stuff like that. Some of it is more detailed, like Lesbians have a lower incidence of HIV/AIDS than the general Hetero female population.

What I know, is that she and her cute little Lesbian friends are mostly knockouts. So I kid with her that I would like to be a Lesbian too. She of course thinks this is hysterical, and says that I can not be a Lesbian because I don't have the 'right equipment'. So now I'm hurt.

I go home and tell wifey that "I want to be a Lesbian, they get all the cute girls ;-)"

She says "Good for you" and then my lovely bride adds "then at least we have something in common ;-)" oooow ouch!

Maybe you can talk your wife into a threesome....Bruno S
May 18, 2003 8:52 PM
Aha, the threesome. The dream of all men. Seems that you have a .01% chance of making it happen. That's way more than the rest of us. Keep the board posted :-)
The Holy Grail...rwbadley
May 19, 2003 6:51 AM
I'm afraid my chances are less than .01
You won't get the business if you don't ask for the sale! (nm)Captain Morgan
May 19, 2003 6:56 AM
If I asked for the sale, she'd sure give me 'the business'! nmrwbadley
May 19, 2003 7:03 AM
Most guys....asphalt assault
May 19, 2003 4:16 AM
...Are just lesbians trapped inside of mens bodies!

You have to admit though, guys ARE pretty disgusting...I'm surprised all women aren't lesbians.
Best quotes ... I'm still laughing... lol nmrwbadley
May 19, 2003 4:17 PM
There aren't too many of the "cute" ones around hereLive Steam
May 19, 2003 5:19 AM
Most of what I encounter are the beer guzzling, thick wristed, softball playing variety. Oh heck you are playing to the wrong crowd in my case. I admit I am probably the biggest misogynist you will ever meet.

I had women who worked for me and really adored me. But, they couldn't stand each other. I see many women - friends wives, one time co-workers, employees, that could never get along. Each wanted to be Queen Bee and/or wanted all of the attention. They mistreat each other more than men mistreat them, that is for sure.

As far as pigs are concerned - I owned a restaurant a few years ago and the women's rest room was always in much rougher shape than the men's room. And I have dated an awful lot of women who's apartments I would even enter a second time for fear of taking some unwanted traveler home with me.

I also have a problem with the way women drive. Please don't get me started. I would definitely come off as the King of the He-Man's-Women-Haters-Club. At least that is what my future Mrs. says :O)

Say is this thread PC?
There aren't too many of the "cute" ones around hereBikeViking
May 19, 2003 6:11 AM
I would agree...did 14 months as a janitor and a fair bit of the female population has difficulty disposing of the "monthly items", if you know what I mean...

All things being equal, the genders were equally gross, but in different ways.

No, not PC!Captain Morgan
May 19, 2003 6:23 AM
I had originally typed a post, but then thought against it!
No sweetie, that's called brown nosing.Kristin
May 19, 2003 9:36 AM
Your women subordinates probably hated you as much as they hated each other. Trust me. They were just being all lovey to your face.

I would like to challenge your restroom statement. Unless you were manager at the Walmart Snack Shop. I worked on a farm for a year and cleaned all the bathrooms. I also clean bathrooms as part of a housekeeping job in College. Hands down the mens bathrooms were worse. Some were nausiating. I guess it depends on what type of women are frequently your lav. (Somehow, I suspect that you like things VERY clean and set VERY high standards for others.) God Bless your wife to be!

And at least you can be king of something...
You are probably correct on all counts :O)Live Steam
May 19, 2003 10:09 AM
Fortunately she is more fastidious about things than I am. Well she is about the house any way. He car is another story for some strange reason. Any thoughts on that?

As for women I had working for me in the past, I think they would agree that I was actually a great boss to work for. I pretty much left them alone. I would let them know what I expect then let them have their space to get the job done. They really did an excellent job. I think there was some sort of competition among them, for my approval and this lead to the friction. I tried to treat them all the same and wouldn't show any favoritism.

Heck I had the same problem with secretaries I had working for me in the past. One in particular was the best I have ever had. I could leave her with bid documents and she knew the procedure for getting them out with cover letters and the whole ball of wax. She was also the sweetest person I know. The other two would always try to undermine her. They put more effort into that then they did to actually getting work done. Never understood that.
I got more lesbians that I know what to do withSpoiler
May 19, 2003 10:28 AM
I work as a student aid in the Womens Studies Deparment at UA. I'm sitting in the churning belly of the pink crewcutted beast.
Now what we got here is the generally the more politically active and educated element. The teachers are generally butch, older, and definited not attractive to this male. So far, they've managed to keep their hands off of me, so I assume they're not attracted to me. Not many softball types, but some Harley riders. Most are into bad karioki and alternative medicine. Interestingly, they tend to look down their noses at gay men.
The students are a mix. Some are pretty cute, but I suspect they're headcases. They're really eager to decry the evils of Capitolism. Their home page is
Lots of tatoos, nose rings, anything to escape their own natural beauty. I believe it was in the movie "Chasing Amy" that I heard "All they need is a good d1cking." I'm not saying I think this is true or untrue, but it's definitely one of the two.
Man, if I got caught writing this, I'd find myself posting messages on
do they have a "HOT DEALS", RETRO and other type forums...ClydeTri
May 19, 2003 10:34 AM
probably not any hot deals. nmKristin
May 19, 2003 10:39 AM
But some weird 'Components.' mnOldEdScott
May 19, 2003 10:41 AM
I'd love to see their version of a 'ride report'...nmrwbadley
May 19, 2003 11:10 AM
Are you sure it's not Womyn's Studies?purplepaul
May 19, 2003 3:51 PM
And I bet a large percentage of your lesbians are LUGs: lesbians until graduation. For some reason, well beyond my comprehension, it's hip to be gay. Maybe it's one of few ways left to really piss the parents off.

BTW, did a ride up to Nyack this weekend. They shut down a good portion of the main street there for a Gay Pride celebration. Now, I must admit to finding that particularly peculiar- that someone would be proud not of something that they worked hard to accomplish but, instead, something of which they purport to have had no control of whatsoever.

Question: would it be hateful of me to wear a "Proud to be heterosexual" t-shirt?
"hip to be gay"empacher6seat
May 20, 2003 10:23 AM
I've noticed this too. Being in the midst of my undergrad university life, there's seldom a party I go to where women aren't, well, experimenting with their own team. It's become so common place it seems like it's only a matter of time until every seemingly "100% hetero" female does it a few times with one of her female friends. This is all fine and dandy to watch, but it really makes it hard for us guys. We now have twice the competition!!
i wanna go to those parties!!!!!(nm)rufus
May 20, 2003 10:46 AM
I am Not a Lesbian (no, I didn't write this)snapdragen
May 19, 2003 6:12 PM
I recently got dumped, I'm in a phase of hating
I never wanna have to fake an orgasm again,
I want to make love to someone who accepts my
flabby thighs,
Who talks about their feelings...... and not
their pen!s siiiiiiiiize.

Oh I had a dream last night, we were in a field
of corn,
Dancing naked through the furrows my whole being
was reborn.
With kisses and caresses, I shuddered and I
Then Katie whispered in my ear, "Think about it
Baby, ... no more blow jooooooooobs!"

But I'm not a lesbian.
Sometimes I wish I was one!
But I'm not a lesbian.

My Momma would cry and say, "Why you doin' this
to me?"
If God had wanted it to be this way he would have
made Eve and Eve.
But the one true thing that stops me from a
female liaison,
Is the thought that if a scum-sucking, macho,
sexist, fascist, corporate,
right-wing, paternalistic, misogynistic,
power-hungry, earth-raping,
birthday-forgetting man could see us, he'd
probably be turned oooooooon.
Birthday forgetting...sn69
May 19, 2003 6:45 PM
It ALL ultimately comes down to "birthday forgetting." I might not be smarter than the average bear, but at least I've sense enough to write her's in about a dozen places at least one year ahead of time. Thus, I don't forget.

As for everything else, guilty with the sole exception that I drive a Subaru...that AIN'T earth-raping by any measure.

So, Jon, Ed, Czar, Silverback and the rest of you avowed lefties, remember: shortly after the aplocalypse when roving bands are scouring the scorched earth for food, even that which walks upon two legs, your political leanings will no more save you than Doug's or Steam's will condemn them. As you are all roasting on the spits of some neo-apocalyptic lesbian death squads, I'll be driving to relative safety in my Outback.

Ppppfffffttttttt. ;P
Birthday forgetting...Jon Billheimer
May 19, 2003 6:59 PM
Hah! You may not be corporate or fascistic, but you most certainly are right wing, macho (of the "right stuff" variety!), and probably, since you're in the Navy, misogynistic!!! So they'll get you FIRST! Unless of course, like Calvin, you get away in your spiffy F-18!:)- But when you run out of fuel and crash, THEN you'll be in big trouble. Oh yeah. You're a road bike type in spandex too. Give it up, dude, YOU'RE DOOMED!
No way Took-boy, althoughsn69
May 20, 2003 5:33 PM
your comment on the vaunted FA-18 is right on target. Sheeeot, those little toys take off at emergency fuel. Do you know how a Hornet pilot looks to an H-60 pilot? Cold, wet and scared. Then again, do you know what an H-60 looks like to an F-15 pilot? A Hind. Karma is a beotch.

I physically cannot be misogonystic. First off, my ex-cop Jewish mother would shoot me in the face dead. Second, 12 years on near non-stop moral conditioning at the behest of the extremist left thought police have put me in touch with my feminine side and have given palpable reality to my associated guilt for Tailhook even though a) I wasn't there; 2) I'm not nor have I ever been a member of Tailhook; 3) I fully agree that what happened there was criminal; d) no, I don't think Patricia Schroeder was good for this country; and, 4) I don't care. White, male, Naval Aviator=I'm a rapist.

Thus the karmic soul-debt payoff by driving an Outback. ...And listening to the Indigo Girls.

Right wing? Frankly, I've always thought one flies better with BOTH wings.

OK, a serious alternative.jesse1
May 20, 2003 3:32 AM
First I congratuate you for coming out of the closet. I too have aspired to be a lesbian, but until now didn't have the courage to admit it.
But let's get one thing straight - unless you get the "plumbing" worked over, you're not going to achieve the goal. I'm not willing to do that either, but I've made concessions.
I'm willing to be a "substitute-lesbian" for good looking lesbians when one of their team isn't available. I would strive to do all that's required as long as I can keep things intact. I'd accept no fee (as that could be illegal in most states), but would require travel expeses.
Be all that you can be, unless the cost of doing so is too high - then settle for 1/2 way.