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So all you male cyclists understand each other, right?(40 posts)

So all you male cyclists understand each other, right?littlegirlbike
Feb 19, 2003 2:16 AM
Hey guys,
I have a question that male non-cyclists haven't been able to answer very well. Give me some advice, if you can. My 22 yr old boyfriend of THREE years recently decided we should be "just friends", which came as a bit of a surprise as we used to have a fairly serious, commited relationship, considering our ages ( I am 21). He said he couldn't handle the responsibilities of a relationship these days 'cause CYCLING and school are his main priorities and take up all his time and trying to have a relationship ends up being unfair to both of us. He is absolutely obsessed with cycling/triathlon. He always was before, but the obsession has gotten increasingly stronger recently. He says he still wants to hang out, but I see him maybe once or twice a week for an hour or two and I get so irritated by the fairly sudden change in our relationship that I think I end up being more of a pain in the butt to him than I would normally be. SO let me know...if he says he still wants to see me, but doesn't want to talk much and always says he needs more space, does it mean he really just wants to end things for good? Give me some advice, I sometimes think he is just going through a stage of feeling trapped in a relationship at a young age and that I should wait things out...but other times I think I am just going to get hurt and should move on. I know this isn't cycling related, that's why it is in the "Non-Cycling Discussions" area. Thanks for any honest advice...!!!

As a side note...the other day my ex told me that no cyclists in their twenties want this true? Am I going to end up riding alone 'til I am thirty ( I do ride with women..but it sure would be nice if a special guy wanted to ride with me)? Thanks...
And the answer is:OldEdScott
Feb 19, 2003 5:59 AM
1) Yes, he wants to end it for good. That's painfully obvious. You're better off just walking away and getting on with your life. Trust me on this.

2) That business about cyclists in their 20s not wanting girlfriends is nonsense. You will find a guy, a cyclist even if that's what you want, and you won't have to wait till you're 30
Feb 19, 2003 7:48 AM
Loving committment and training/cycling are not mutually exclusive. If he really wanted to be fair to you, he wouldn't be trying to end it with a "soft landing."
Well said.carnageasada
Feb 19, 2003 8:27 AM
From a former twenty-one year old guy, I couldn't agree more.
Does anyone understand affairs of the heart?KeeponTrekkin
Feb 19, 2003 6:19 AM
Not really, but I think OldEd is right on the money.

3YrBF is using cycling as an excuse. It's bad enough to do an injustice to cycling but even worse to do it to you.

Put yourself first. Be patient; be yourself and as "Akirasho" says, "Be the Bike".

re: So all you male cyclists understand each other, right?No_sprint
Feb 19, 2003 8:17 AM
Where are you located? Hopefully I can help. :)
That No_Sprint is always willing to lend a helping handKristin
Feb 19, 2003 10:04 AM
What generosity you have my friend. ;-)
LOL It's just part of my sweet nature. nm :)No_sprint
Feb 20, 2003 8:04 AM
Feb 19, 2003 10:07 AM
My feeling is that he wants to end the relationship and cycling is the excuse. Oh well. You are still young!

I do know a guy in his twenties who is obsessed with triathlons to the point where he has alienated a lot of people. We used to ride with him, but he was always on a "plan" and never wanted to stop for anything, such as food/water/scenery or even to pee. Eventually we just stopped riding with him. Who needs that?

Anyway, he has a girlfriend who is almost as obsessive as he is. She puts up with a lot of his bizarre stuff, but somehow it all works for them. Funny thing is, she was only marginally obsessive before, but since meeting this guy, she has gone over the edge. Now we can't ride with her, either. We train for certain events, but we still like to have fun doing it.

Will this phase pass for these folks? Who knows. The 20 to 30 year old age groups are probably the most competitive in triathlons, so either he'll wash out or he'll go even deeper. If I were you, I wouldn't wait. I know plenty of cyclists who compete seriously and have very successful relationships, so it can be done. This guy has a few years of learning ahead of him before he is ready.
You're WAY better off without him.cory
Feb 19, 2003 10:57 AM
I'm old enough to be your father (and if anybody knows how THAT happened, please explain it), and I've been watching these relationships as a participant and then as a parent for 30+ years. I can look back, even now, at a string of breakups and excuses and miscellaneous personal tragedies that I thought would break my heart (or my kids' hearts) every time...but what I CAN'T remember are the names of any of the people involved, or why I thought the incidents were so important at the time.
Your b.f. (EX-b.f.) is wrong about no cyclists in their 20s wanting girlfriends, but I think everybody else is right about HIM not wanting a girlfriend right now, and isn't it nice you've found out? Jeez, you're 21, barely have a foot in the grave--it's probably a little too soon to decide there's no other guy in the world for you. I don't mean to belittle your pain (most of us DO remember it, even if we seem too old), but do you have any idea how many people on this board would trade places with you? Except for the girl part, I mean--that would be TOO weird.
He's trying to dump you but doesn't know how.eyebob
Feb 19, 2003 11:40 AM
It's the same every generation, every scenario, every time. If he's serious about you he'll make time for you, period. Think of it this way. When you're really interested in getting something accomplished, you make time for it, right? Ditto with relationships. He will learn the true meaning of this at some point in your life (hopefully sooner, rather than later). Look, he has shown by the fact that (he appears to be by your description of him) he's a pretty serious athelete that he can make sacrifices for the sake of what he feels is important, you're just not one of them right now. That may change. Bottom line, though, is that he probably doesn't want to hurt you so he's letting you go with an excuse. He may learn more if you take the approach of actually flat out asking him this. Acknowledge that it's not the end of the world and that you're not going to be unable to go on without him and he'll (hopefully) acknowledge that he really doesn't "have time" for you because you're not important enough to him.

A long time ago I stopped using the phrases "I couldn't get to it" or "I didn't have time" and started saying "It wasn't important enough to me to do it" (I would say this to myself not out loud) because it reminded me of how we all lie to ourselves by stating the former when we really mean the latter.

Is that some sage advice, or what?

Slightly different take.czardonic
Feb 19, 2003 1:17 PM
I'm going to agree with everyone here who says that this guy is trying to break up with with you, but doesn't know how.

However, I am not of the school that believes that relationships have to end in estrangement, or that you need to convince yourself that he isn't worth your time. Relationships evolve, all the more so when both people are at an age where their lives are rapidly evolving. Sometimes you realize that what you thought was right for you at one time no longer "fits". Assuming that he is being earnest with you, I think he is right in letting you know that his priorities are drifting away from your relationship. Yeah, It'd be nice if he was able to to come right out and say "I think it's time for us to move on to different things" rather than making excuses about cyclists of a certain age. Then again, he could have gone out and slept with someone else knowing that you'd find out and dump him. Considering that all young guys tend to be stupid jerks, he's not doing too bad.

Again, assuming he is being honest with you, it sounds like he still cares about you a great deal, and is struggling to find a way to free himself without alienating or hurting you. (His approach may be failing, but is there one that would work?) Dealing with an ex is difficult no matter who broke it off. It sounds like he is making an effort (albeit and akward one) to spend time with you, while struggling to establish new boundaries. His tactics are somewhat immature and unfair to you, but I think his intentions are good. It would be much easier for him to shut you out completely.

You should definitely accept the of end this chapter of your relationship with him and move on to other opportunities. Take the time and space you need to deal with the pain and recognize the beauty of being young and free. I suspect he will be relieved to see that you are not clinging to false hopes, and there is a much better chance that the two of you will be able to remain friends if you both trust that the other has truly moved on.

Ultimately, you spent three formative years with this guy, and the two of you probably know a lot about each other that you don't realize about yourselves. It doesn't sound like the trust has been broken, he cares enough about you to worry about your feelings, and you care enough about him to wonder if this is just a phase. You could be great friends once you put the past behind you. Or you could continue grow apart, no one can tell. But it would be a shame to let pride or bitterness rob you of an important growing experience or a potential friend (or a riding partner).

Good luck.
re: So all you male cyclists understand each other, right?4bykn
Feb 19, 2003 2:49 PM
Sounds to me you should take this opportunity to make a clean break. The (former) relationship needs to either be on or off, and he apparently wants off. Sorry.

As to the side note, not true at all. But why limit yourself to cyclists for bf's. My wife is a non-cyclist who suports my riding and things work great for us. My biking is my "Mike-time".
Sorry to hear that.Len J
Feb 19, 2003 3:32 PM
It is obvious to me that he is trying to "let you down easy". I'm sure he would say that he is doing it for you. My experience would say that that is probably true, but it's also true that he is doing it for him, it's easier than looking someone in the eye and telling them the truth and dealing with your true feelings. So he sends you a message that you can interpret in different ways, because you still (obviously) care for him, you are unsure what to do. You are stuck. His trying to "let you down easy" is not in your benefit because it puts you in a position where you are not sure.

Good for you for asking the question.

Move on. You deserve someone that cares for you enough to make room for you in his life. Just remember that whomever you meet, the things that are important to them are part of what makes them them. You have to make room for their stuff too.

One other thing. People who end relationships are usually in different places (in the grief cycle) from the person they are ending the relationship with. He has been thinking about this & dealing with it for a period of time before he told you about it. That's why he has seemed to move on so quickly, he was moving on (preparing himself emotionally) before he told you about it. I know, it sucks, but it is what it is. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you get "unstuck"

The cycling excuse is just that, an excuse, behind it is a guy who doesn't want a relationship. Is this the kind of guy you want to invest in?

Good luck & let us know how it goes.

my takeDougSloan
Feb 19, 2003 3:50 PM
Two possibilities:

A. He just wants to break up; nothing you can do.

B. He is really serious about obsessing about cycling, and you just don't presently fit in.

If B, there are some things you can do, if you want to:

1. Tell him you support him and for him to ride and tinker as much as he wants; you don't want to interfere.

2. Offer a leg rub down every time you are together. (Bonus points -- admire his shaved legs.)

3. Offer to tag along at races and work feed zones for his team. (Bonus points, learn how to hand off a water bottle to a rider going by at 25 mph.)

4. Offer to ride a tandem with him on his "recovery days."

5. Read Lance Armstrong's book, "It's Not About the Bike," if you haven't already. P.S., it really *IS* about the bike.

6. Don't eat pizza in front of him while he's trying to drop 10 pounds to get to "racing weight."

7. Finally, if you can't do all the above, then *you* need to cut it off. Don't try to change him.

Doug, you are an ass in many different ways.53T
Feb 20, 2003 7:47 AM
Drop this guy like the self-absorbed child that he is. Time's-a-wastin' why you dwell on whether to still be his friend. Get real, 20-somthing guys hang out with girls for one reason, and it's not to find a life partner, or discuss world politics. For God's sake don't perform any of the ass-kissing maneuvers outlined by Doug.
you obviously missed the pointDougSloan
Feb 20, 2003 7:55 AM
I'll avoid calling you dense, as I prefer not to call names.


Now tell me that's not true.

It's worse than true...53T
Feb 20, 2003 8:12 AM
It's irrelevant. Are you trying to say that by doing these things she might change the viability of the relationship? You seem to be non-committal in that respect. The reality is, the relationship is over. Hanging around like a butler and "carrying water" for this guy is a complete waste of time. You are telling a girl who has been dumped to try kissing her ex.’s ass for a while and see what happens. Whatever happens will be no good for anyone involved. He did not dump her to spend more time with her.

BTW, it's OK to call me names. I am secure in my viewpoint, and I certainly don't feel dense.
I'm saying that's who this guy isDougSloan
Feb 20, 2003 8:26 AM
I've been that guy at times; I've hung out with "that guy." I know lots and lots of guys like that. Right or wrong, they are totally committed/obsessed with racing. It's completely self-centered, egotistical, and cruel for anyone close to them. But, for some, that's what they think it takes to succeed in racing. So, all I'm saying is that if she knows that, and still wants to hang with the guy, she'll more or less need to do the things I suggested. Believe it or not, there are many women and men who really do those things. The guy who married Seana Hogan, the best woman ultra marathon cyclist in history, essentially got to know her crewing in RAAM. He goes far beyond the things I wrote about. So, this ain't being an ass, it's reality for many people. I think it's just as much of being an ass to suggest she automatically dump the guy, when there's a genuine chance they could have a long term relationship, as long as she understands what she's getting into. We sometimes need to think beyond our ego-centric world views, and understand that there are others who do things we don't agree with or even understand, and they do them happily.

the problem for her as I see itColnagoFE
Feb 20, 2003 8:34 AM
Is that she might think the guy is gonna change and she is gonna change him. Age old story. I think some wonen even like the challenge ain't gonna happen. People are who they are and while they can compromise for a while it rarely works out.
I agree, don't try to change anyoneDougSloan
Feb 20, 2003 8:48 AM
I agree. She should not think she's going to change him. He shouldn't try to change her, either.

However, if she wants to change herself, that's her business.

Her original question was about understanding this guy. I think I explained who this guy is and what it would take to stay with him. If she knows that and still wants to, it's up to her. She's grown up and can make her own decisions. I never said it would be easy or that she ought to do it.

There are lots of relationships based upon these types of circumstances. Just because it may not be understood or agreeable to some of us doesn't make it wrong.

I think Doug isOldEdScott
Feb 20, 2003 8:20 AM
speaking from considerable personal experience here. It's an interesting take. Doubt this young gal's ready for that kind of leap, though. It would take a special (as in one-in-a-million) person to subsume her own personality that way. I wonder how many of us would even LIKE that sort of mate?
Your odds are offFunston
Feb 20, 2003 8:53 AM
How about 1 in 50,000? Some people desire to be dominated.

I thought Doug was being sort of tongue in cheek with his list, coming up with a bunch of rather transparently ridiculous suggestions as the lead-in to his parting statement, which was, it's over. Sort of like saying, drop it unless you're willing to be somebody you aren't.

However, I can also understand there being a freudian reaction to his advice. As if maybe Doug has submitted to his wife in similar ways, in order to appease her for some reason or another. Such as to avoid feelings of guilt for the time and money he gives to his cycling. Which gets us back to the original post, where cycling came between the two of them.

Oh, MB1-kenobe, tell us the answer to this dilemma of combining cycling and a joyful relationship....
you're rightDougSloan
Feb 20, 2003 9:18 AM
I suppose that was the original point. However, since I really don't know her, I don't really know if that's not who she is or could be, if she just knew what do to. So, could be either.

Personally, I've forgone many things I would have done for my wife, and now for my son. However, I'm glad I did. Spending time with little Luke is much more gratifying that preparing for RAAM, which I'd be doing right now if not for him.

Yup, those suggestions sure sound ridiculous. What's amazing, though, is how many people are doing exactly what I described.

Curious, how many here have done serious racing, not screwing around a little here and there, but the kind that is your life's passion?

Lance WHO? 53T is my new cycling hero!! (nm)cory
Feb 20, 2003 8:34 AM
A question for youFunston
Feb 19, 2003 4:05 PM
He's not content with where your relationship has gotten to. He cares for you, but wants more separation. My guess is that you are more ready than him for committment, and he has come to realize that. So he is coming clean with himself. However, his backing out gently suggests he is afraid of hurting you, of crushing you emotionally -

So now you're rightfully feeling in limbo. Can you find a mirror, look into it and ask the person you see in the mirror the following - is a substantial part of your hurt have to do with dreams of matrimony and family with him in the future being quashed; if so, let him go and move on. A dream unshared is not to be waited for.

Yet, if you realize that the basis of your hurt is because you simply love the guy, unconditionally, no matter what, then .... the solution is more difficult...
Best thing to do is move on. . .js5280
Feb 19, 2003 5:32 PM
He either doesn't want to stay together with you or doesn't want to spend time on a relationship with anyone. Sounds like the later. Either way you lose by hanging on. Nowadays most people date throughout their twenties and don't get married till well after 25. In fact, the later you marry, the better the chances of it lasting so keep that in mind. I was in a similar situation as you except I was with this person for 7 years and engaged! She wanted to go her own way and it took a few breakups and years before we both decided to head our own way. Best thing I ever did because I had lost myself in the relationship and forgot what made me happy. Now I know exactly why we weren't supposed to be together and am glad we didn't get married. I understand its difficult to leave the security of a relationship, but this is obviously a time to do it. Being single isn't all that bad, you learn a lot about yourself the way and you get to do exactly what YOU want to do. Plus you're still young! Get back together with your girlfriends, go out, and have fun! You sound like a very confident individual to post something pretty personal. Rely on that confidence, your friends, and the excitement of meeting new people. If you want to see your former boyfriend now and then, then do it, but don't let that limit your life at all. Otherwise he'll just walk all over you, taking what he wants and not giving you what you want. Trust me, any women who likes to ride will not be lonely for long. That comment that "no cyclists in their twenties want girlfriend" is a huge load of crap and a definate sign that this person is not interested in the least in a girlfriend, particularly a serious one. His choice, nothing to do with who you are. Hope you stick around here, we're a friendly bunch and if you want to learn more about cycling, this is a GREAT resource. Good luck to you, keep your head up, and find a guy who appreachiates the wonderful person you are.

He's worthless and weak.Sintesi
Feb 19, 2003 5:59 PM
Loves his bicycle more than you does he? Whatever. You're only 21, let him ride his bike if he wants but if hanging out with him bugs you or gives you pain then give him the heave ho. Why suffer? You can be friends some other time. IT'S TIME TO EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS!
re: So all you male cyclists understand each other, right?kmk5432
Feb 19, 2003 9:20 PM
Ill tell you what- I recently experienced a very similar experience. My bf of 3 years suddenly decided that he needed to "grow"- at first I was extremely heartbroken, then i noticed that he was changing, drastically, I mean really from one day to the next. He went from being a sweet, caring, nice guy to some guy who doesn't care about others, crude, cold, etc etc. So my advice to you: the cycling is just an excuse, if you were important, he'd make time for you. I know what you are going through, trust me Im still there and it has been two months. Its hard, but we (you and I) are still young. I am 19, you are 21...and I know what you are talking about, because I still think at least once daily about my fear that I am going to be alone forever, or until Im very old, but we are young. And there are SSOOOOOO many people out there. Don't condemn yourself to a life of loneliness. And plus, hes not worth it anyways. You deserve someone who will contribute to you as much as you did. And also, I agree with whomever it was that said to look in the mirror and ask yourself if it is because your dreams of marraige are being quashed. And, while I do still love my ex and the person he WAS, i believe that it is also hard in part because of my dreams for a future being quashed. BUT!!! as I always said, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. someday, down the line you will look back at this and say "thank god it happened" for whatever reason. Just enjoy life right now, because you have the rest of your life for marraige. I know where you are. It is hard, and no one else will know your pain but you, and no one can fix it but you. Good luck.
That was me who said it....Funston
Feb 20, 2003 12:27 AM
Thanks for validating my advice (the mirror). It's hard to look yourself in the eye and be dishonest.

I think a common link among troubled relationships is when one (or both) of them spends too much time not living in the present moment.

A mate who spends much time living in the future, dreaming about this and that and even acting as if what has yet to come is a done deal, will unwittingly frighten their partner who might not have been properly consulted first, or might not share the same pictures for the future. Suddenly, feelings of being boxed-in develop, with eventual separation being the remedy.

A mate who spends much time living in the past can be a real bore and/or a real ass. These people will never forgive you for a past sin; they'll never be able to enjoy themselves as well as they did before no matter how hard you try; they'll never be open to taking a chance for fear of failure; etc. etc. While people with future dreams tend to yank you off balance, people who can't let go tend to hold you back and drag you down like an anchor.

When you get back into the swing of it, and you surely will, try to make a point of living and defining your relationship in what I'll call Present Time. If you can do that, everything will fall into place; your experiences will be more intense and more passionate. Think about it: the only time you control is what is happening in the here and now. What is, is. Live it now. What was, was. Learn the lesson and let it go. What will be, hasn't happened and might not ever happen. You can always set goals, but what you do in the here and now determines where you'll be tomorrow.

Sorry for the long lecture, but just take it as a grain of wisdom from somebody who's been there many times. Best of luck to you.
Reminds me of a Buddhist Sutra. . .czardonic
Feb 20, 2003 3:57 PM
Do not pursue the past.
Do not lose yourself in the future.
The past no longer is.
The future has not yet come.
Looking deeply at life as it is
in the very here and now,
the practitioner dwells
in stability and freedom.

(Excerpt from the Bhaddekaratta Sutta translated by Thich Nhat Hanh)
I just turned 20, and I want a girlfriendaeon
Feb 19, 2003 10:51 PM
Maybe it's a gradual process.... =).
re: So all you male cyclists understand each other, right?blingblingbigring
Feb 20, 2003 2:34 PM
A reply to this entire topic. I am the guy she is talking about so if you have any questions you can direct them at me.
re: So all you male cyclists understand each other, right?DougSloan
Feb 20, 2003 5:30 PM
I think the ball is sort of in your court if you care to say anything.

OK then what's up? How are we right/how are we wrong? nmFunston
Feb 20, 2003 5:37 PM
Great! Now we're getting somewhere. Tell us your side, bud.OldEdScott
Feb 21, 2003 7:14 AM
Wow! What a response....littlegirlbike
Feb 21, 2003 10:57 PM
I certainly never expected so many responses to my questions! I really appreciate everyone's honest opinons and advice. It is hard to know exactly whose theory is right, or if any really are. Some days I think I understand perfectly what is going on, and others I get pretty confused. Things have already begun to feel better between blingblingbigring (whom I will now call BBBR) and me. We are hanging out a little and actually enjoying each other's company.
One part of the feedback I got that I found interesting was the idea that I would be most upset about my future plans for life being ruined. While I do admit to having thought a lot about where I would want my life to go and how BBBR fit into that, I am not upset about having to edit my image of my future. I am 21 and am pretty used to having a changing image of myself and my life and the world in general. Things change a lot and I think i am pretty adaptable.
What HAS upset me most is that I sometimes become scared that I have lost my best friend. Before we ever dated, BBBR and I were best friends. While our relationship has certainly been rocky at times, I have always known that our friendship was something I could count on, no matter what. Since our breakup, I have often taken BBBR's distance as an indication of his not wanting to be my friend anymore. Today, however, I found out that losing our friendship is one thing I don't have to worry about. This morning I recieved a rejection letter from a graduate program to which I applied and BBBR had asked me to call him as soon as I found out my admission status. I called him in tears (I had put A LOT of effort into applying and interviewing for the program), and over the course of our conversation, he not only made me feel better, but also helped me to realize that I have not lost him as my best friend. As always, he was right there when I needed him and let me know that if I needed anything at all, he was just a call away.
Of course I miss the more intimate parts of our relationship and I have felt hurt during this process of becoming just friends...but I think that BBBR and I care too much about each other as people and as friends to just end things completely as many have suggested. I don't know where things will go from here...but I know that in the PRESENT, I am enjoying being me and, even though you may not believe me, I really do have a wonderful bestfriend....
That's awesome. . .js5280
Feb 22, 2003 11:40 AM
It's good when you can stay friends, that usually points more to the issue of timing which does change over time. Sounds like BBBR (chime in BBBR if I'm wrong) was being fair with you. That this was more based on him pursuing his sport right now and not being able to be a good boyfriend, but still has time to be a close friend. That's the best you can hope for. Since 99% of relationships don't end in marriage, being friends at the end is the best alternative. Also, it leaves open the future. Timing is huge and maybe your time to be back together will come around again. It happens, I'm about to run off to the Carribean for a week here with an old girlfriend, turned good friend, and now the sparks are flying again, more so than the first time around. Good luck to you both!
from a female racer's perspectivelonefrontranger
Feb 24, 2003 12:19 PM
I realise I am late onto the thread, but here are a few tidbits for you to think on:

1) I am 35 and have been a competitive cyclist for over ten years. You are not going to want to hear this, but you are ONLY 21. You will change immensely as a person / personality from now until you hit your early / mid 30's, probably even longer. You won't even recognize the person you are now in ten years, so why agonize over life decisions when your life has barely yet begun? I know this stuff is earth-shattering now, but trust me when you're 30 you will look back and laugh.

2) I lost several relationships over my dedication to riding and racing. You get over it. So do they. In the end I realized if a guy wasn't cool enough to capture my attention enough to allocate him a time slot apart from training, he probably wasn't a good relationship risk anyway. You may apply that dose of cynicism towards your own situation however you choose.

3) It's good that you can still be friends, but if you are honest with yourself, you will probably always resent him somewhere deep down inside for rejecting you, and that can poison even the best of intentions.

4) Bike racers, regardless of gender, almost universally have self-centered fragile egos. I've met some great guys through cycling and racing, but they're all high-maintenance. So am I. In a nutshell, I think almost all focused athletes (Type As, etc...) are difficult people to get along with. I stopped dating the really serious bike racer type guys long ago because it was depressingly similar to dating myself.

Good luck and remember, you may not think so, but you are far too young to base life decisions on this guy.


re: So all you male cyclists understand each other, right?marco_esq
Feb 24, 2003 12:51 PM
Hi there,

As a former racing cyclist I can offer only the following perspective. Like many who post and lurk on this site, I am passionate about cycling even as my racing days are long past (I am 36 now and work as an attorney -raced as a junior and senior through my twenties; stopped competing and training when I realized that one can't race forever and one needs to establish a non-racing career).

Personally, I am rather wary of those who are obsessed with anything be it a sport, hobby or career. The question I would ask myself were I in your position is:(1)how much do I want a relationship; and (2) what do I want as the focus of the relationship to be. For me the answer to the second question is NOT cycling, racing or triathalons. A common interest such as cyling may draw two people together, but to be fulfilling, I think a relationship has to evolve beyond that initial foundation.

It sounds like your relationship was a high priority for you. Looking at this as a matter of self respect and reciprocity, you are probably better served by finding someone who places an equally high value on a relationship cyclist or not. I know that I would not want to be involved with someone for whom I was priority number three.

As one who has been on the giving and receiving end of the "just friends" and "just want to hang out" line, my advice is to move on - those lines are a cop out. Yes, waiting this our is an option - it may be a phase. But do ask yourself, what are you compromising in terms of self respect and your own desires through waiting for the phase to end?

I guess it really comes down to how much you want to be in a relationship at this point. If it is important for you to have a special person in your life right now you might want to consider the following: it may be true that some cyclists don't want girlfriends for want to disturbing their training - you probably don't want to be involved with someone who is so self-absorbed. Are you looking for someone who is a hardcore racing geek or do you want someone who is a bit more well rounded?

Sorry for the rant, but that's my two cents in this matter. I hope everything turns out well for you.