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The Complete Military History of France(27 posts)

The Complete Military History of Francesn69
Feb 7, 2003 11:20 AM
Sadly, I can't take credit for this. It's brilliant, though, and I'm sure Eager Beagle would approve:

* Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
* Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
* Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.
* Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
* Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
* War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
* The Dutch War - Tied
* War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
* War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough , which they have loved every since.
* American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of
the fighting."
* French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
* The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.
* The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
boy to France 's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
* World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
States . Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
* World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
* War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu
* Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
* War on Terrorism - France , keeping in mind its recent history,
to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
So you think France will collapse?czardonic
Feb 7, 2003 11:38 AM
Say what you like about France, any country that can lose that many wars and survive must be doing something right.

All this gleeful French bashing is a bit weak (not reffering to this post specifically, which I realise is intended to be humorous, but to the neo-con chicken hawks who have been squacking about France lately). If your whole premise is that the French are push-overs, what does pushing them over prove?
Or they are so stinking obnoxious thatsn69
Feb 7, 2003 11:56 AM
would-be occupiers elect to beat feat after the fighting ends.

And yes, I thought it was funny. I enjoy France bashing as much as they probably enjoy America bashing. It's "pull my finger" humor, but I enjoy it. I've served with members of the French Air Force, and it was good natured and well-matched.

I'm not sure that the rationalle is that France is a "push-over nation." Rather, they continue to persue active diplomatic imperialism in many nations while also conducting other dubious activities like nuking atolls and sinking protesting ships. For them to accuse us of the same without acknowledging their behavior is a little odd, dontcha think?

Lest you go off on another "we suck, we're hypocrites" tirade, yes...we have tons of issues. Still, the French behave strangely in terms of international diplomacy. Ironically, however, it's finally becoming known that their unwillingness to join NATO was orchestrated between DeGaulle and our government to keep the Soviets off-kilter. It worked.

Why are all the streets in Paris lined with trees? ...So the German soldiers can march in the shade. ;-)~
Funny is funny.czardonic
Feb 7, 2003 12:06 PM
But there is a shade of lowering ourselves to their level in all this.

Is it odd that they accuse us of doing things they do? No more so than when we accuse them of doing things that we do. If I were going to go off on a tirade (which I won't), that would be the topic: we can't throw stones where they need to be thrown because we choose to live in a glass house.
And you're notmoneyman
Feb 7, 2003 12:23 PM
You must be a gas at parties.

Feb 7, 2003 2:42 PM
Ever go to a party and just want to stand around, talk sports and weather, but some guy in a tie-dye t-shirt wants to go on about global warming and corporate America dominating the oppressed worker? Lots of fun.
But what about the guy. . .czardonic
Feb 7, 2003 3:06 PM
. . .who insists on telling racist or chauvanistic jokes and then assures you that he is just "kidding" and that some of his "good friends" are members of the group in question?
that would be worse nmDougSloan
Feb 7, 2003 3:08 PM
What?! French baiting makes me asn69
Feb 7, 2003 3:25 PM
masogonist bigot? OK, for the record, NONE of my best friends are French, although I am close with a Lymie and a Kraut.

Gosh, you guys are all so serious. In the immortal words of SGT Hulka, "Lighten up, Francis."
Sheesh, you are telling <i>us</i> to lighten up? (nm)czardonic
Feb 7, 2003 3:40 PM
"Touche, m'suer pussygat." (nm)sn69
Feb 7, 2003 3:43 PM
I just saw that very scene from "Stripes" last night. nmBrooks
Feb 7, 2003 3:46 PM
A surprise party for me? You shouldn't have.sn69
Feb 7, 2003 7:10 PM
it's sort of like a Texas vs. Oklahoma thing nmDougSloan
Feb 7, 2003 2:34 PM
France remains for two reasons aloneKristin
Feb 7, 2003 3:29 PM
1. Tour Du France
2. Paris

The Tour Du New Germany would just not be the same race, would it? And I say that we defend them to the death to preserve the first. Amen?
Feb 7, 2003 3:33 PM
Of course Provence, Toulons, Chamonix and Nice are pretty nifty too. Puff pastry, pulled sugar and Homart lobster rock. Renaults, Peugots (cars not the classic bikes) and Citroens are right out, though.
I think I'd make wine #2. (nm)jesse1
Feb 8, 2003 3:31 AM
re: The Complete Military History of FranceKeeponTrekkin
Feb 7, 2003 11:49 AM
And I thought "Make Love, Not War" was American in origin.
Isn't it 'make lunch not war' in France? nm128
Feb 7, 2003 12:33 PM
(maybe they meant a box lunch??)
God bless the French!moneyman
Feb 7, 2003 12:26 PM
She is always there when she needs us!

$$ (Plagiarized from the Wall Street Journal letters to the editor 2/4/03)
les pantalons rouge...mohair_chair
Feb 7, 2003 12:39 PM
Reading French history, you definitely get the feeling that their heart just wasn't in fighting wars. For most of the first year of WWI, the French Army uniform was made up of bright red pants and a blue coat. Before the war, when the Army tried to change it, national pride swelled up and prevented it. Les pantalons rouge? C'est la France! Meanwhile, the Germans are in grey and the British are in khaki. I wonder how many Frenchmen died because stupid national pride forced them to wear such a ridiculous uniform during battle.
LOL! nmNo_sprint
Feb 7, 2003 1:41 PM
Feb 7, 2003 1:44 PM
For some reasopn I get great pleasure in France-bashing. It's nice to have a historical bash. France is a wonderful place, a greatly-accomplished people, a powerful military. But it's contrariness towards so many things American makes it a fun, playful target for jokes.
all the good soldiers went to England in 1066 nmDougSloan
Feb 7, 2003 3:35 PM
Feb 8, 2003 9:27 AM
ahahhah G-dam this is funny. this is under my favorites now. "America is my country but Paris is my home "
re: The Complete Military History of FranceClydeTri
Feb 10, 2003 6:42 AM
and of course, their tanks have one speed of forward, and five of reverse :!)
Going to war in Iraq without France, is like going deer hunting without an accordion.js5280
Feb 10, 2003 9:44 AM
attributed to Ross Perot. . .

Certainly sounds like a Ross-ism

Thanks for sharing this quote go to Fireboy at MTBR.

LMAO :-)