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your wife?(29 posts)

your wife?ishmael
Jan 17, 2003 8:44 PM
How was it leading up to the marriage? I mean from the beginning of the relationship. Were you unsure? Did you cheat? Did you feel as if you've had to compromise- a possible more exciting future for security, companionship, and nurturing? How is marriage treating you?

I was in a secure relationship that was happily sailing towards marriage and I screwed it up because I felt I had to. I wasn't sure and I needed to be. Now, for months, I've been trying to heal wounds that are deep and get it back together but it isn't working. Any experience?

And how does your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend feel about your bike?
Best thing that I EVER did.Spoke Wrench
Jan 18, 2003 7:23 AM
When I got married, I was too young and too dumb to have any idea of what I was doing. Then we had our first kid and we became parents before we really became adults. Since then, it has been better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health for almost 40 years. We've survived long term financial woes, kids in jail, mental sickness, lost jobs, alcoholism, and personal bankrupcy.

Today I don't regret a single minute of it. Every experience we've had, especially the bad ones, are part of what was necessary to bring us to the serene place that we enjoy today. For me, every day is like a honeymoon. I just like being in the same room and breathing the same air she breathes. I think that she feels the same. I'm way more in love today than I was at 20.

Good luck.
You are an example to us all...Matno
Jan 18, 2003 9:25 AM
I have nowhere near the experience you do (I'm WAY younger than you are...:^), but it sure sounds like you've discovered the way to be happy. Firm commitment in marriage is essential.

Oh, and my wife loves to ride. She doesn't have a road bike, but she has a very nice full-suspension MTB. She even encourages me to ride a lot. I don't think she's quite as happy about all the time I spend fiddling with my bikes, but at least she supports the riding part. I guess she wants an athletic husband...
you can't marry a bikeColnagoFE
Jan 20, 2003 10:08 AM
my wife is not a die hard cyclist, but she supports my cycling. sure i sometimes miss not being able to share that part of my life with her more than i do, but all in all her other good traits make up for it and more.
If I guy in England can marry his pub (bar), then...Kristin
Jan 20, 2003 11:54 AM
Then why can't you marry your bike?
ok...I'll make exceptions for Italian bikes ;) (nm)ColnagoFE
Jan 20, 2003 12:59 PM
re: your wife?Alpedhuez55
Jan 18, 2003 5:38 PM
I have not had too many problems with girlfriends and my hobbies. Most are accepting of them. My ex fiance was not though.

She was fine with everything up until we got engaged. She became a different person. She was not a cyclist or much of an outdoor person. She got overly possesive after the engagement. I take an annual Mountain Bike/Camping trip with a group of friends. I even asked her to come along. But when I got back, you would think I went to an Orgy. She spent the next week accusing me of cheating and wanting to know who the other woman was. If she tried to call my I was on the phone, she would always accuse me of talking with another woman. After a few months of this, I broke off with her. Trust is an important part of a relationship and she did not have much.

Actually, a couple years later she called me and apoligized because she relized what happened and she had just had a relationship end for the same reason. I even helped her pick out a bike last year.

Most of my ex-girfriends were accepting of my hobbies whether it be cycoing, golf or fly fishing. My current girfriend is a casual cyclist. Her father and brother race. So that is much better for me.

Mike Y.
In your case Ishmaelcritmass
Jan 18, 2003 5:40 PM
It may be easier just to find a woman you hate and give her your house. That will save you time and lawyer's fees. :)

Sometimes only time heals.
In your case Ishmaelishmael
Jan 18, 2003 10:36 PM
it seems definately over. I went to her place to pick up my stuff and say goodbye today(I was also hopeing to convince her to come back). But she had gone to her nephews birthday party. It wasnt till 5 hours later that she showed up, I had waited around, I wanted to leave it as friends atleast and talk nicely in person and maybe go out that night as friends. But when she showed up she immediately said "get out" and it was an argument from there. How should I have known not to come over and spend time in her house drinking beer, it was just the weekend before I was in her bed and we were happy as can be. Two weekends before then she was talking about marriage,(funny how fast things change, maybe its often just a game). So thats the end of it, it's a shame how boyfriend/girlfriend relationships have to end so. I was hopeing we could still be friends. I was looking forward to her returning that night and going out as friends to get some drinks or something and talk about the past. I guess it's silly, it doesnt happend that way. I sound cavalier about it now but I'll be hurting again tomorrow and for a long time. I hope I can get over it soon. I went out with a friend tonight to get drinks. I thought if I picked up other women it would get my mind of her. I had opportunities like I never knew but I didn't like any of them. I'm very picky. I write off 99 percent of women from moment one. My big fear is that I spend my life thinking she was the best and I feel I'm never able to replace her. sob sob story.. It'll pass I guess. I'm a huge pussssy about it now but I think thats ok. I think it means I give a damn. Funny how thats why she broke up with me, she doesnt think I give a damn. I also cheated on her and was awfull in other ways so maybe I'm full of shit and just want what I cant have, I've been told that could be the case. Affairs of the heart are serious thought, you dont think about it at the time, but when it's over you suffer. I didn't sleep last night and couldnt eat either. forget riding, I dont give a damn and it's no fun in such cold.
Sorry to hear all that...empacher6seat
Jan 18, 2003 11:09 PM
I really am. You never know though, down the road a few months or years from now, when the dust has cleared you might be able to look past what has happened in the last two weeks and put it all behind you. Sometimes great friendships are made that way.

As for the cheating part, that's not the best way to treat someone. If you meet someone who you feel you just have to be with, it would be a better call to break off the relationship you're in before you sleep with the other person, not only so you're not lying to them, but being true to yourself as well.

Once again, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Just be glad you didn't follow through with those plans of marriage, THEN get into this dilly of a pickle...
In your case IshmaelSintesi
Jan 19, 2003 5:04 AM
I don't understand what happened, did you cheat on her?
In your case Ishmaelishmael
Jan 19, 2003 8:37 AM
for 3 years I was a bastard; I cheated a couple of times (once physically) and was insensitive in other ways. But she stuck by me, she was really in love with me and I wasn't sure I wanted to be with her. And then 5 months ago I broke up with her thinking of all the fun I'd have meeting women. But within days I missed her and was begging her to come back. After about 4 months of begging I finaly got her to try it out again. I had told her how much I wanted her and couldnt believe how awful I was in the past and I promised to do all these kind things in the future. But once it started up again I think a lot of pent up anger came out and she would be after me about everything. I should've taken it and just reflected kindnes but instead I would get defensive. One thing led to another and on Wednsday I went to meet her at her work after work hopeing to go out. The doorman called her, no answer, so he (unbeknownst to me) called her boss looking for her. She gets on the phone and is all pissed at me for interupting her work. So I'm curt and leave. She calls that night to say a kinda sorry but we left it badly with me leaving it up to her to call me when she wanted to go out. Friday comes around and I show up at her work place after work to hopefully go out with her (she didn't pick up her work phone) and she comes down in a huge huff and says it isn't working and she's annoyed by me being there and she tells me her coworkers are telling her"your ex is downstairs" (early in the four months of winning her back I would come and she would often go out with me, but on one occassion she had sent someone down to tell me she wasnt there. She had gotten her work people involved although)..So she says it's over and she doesnt feel the same way about me. So I walk away kind of stunned, I thought we would go out for dinner, I didn't see it coming. And then after I've turned the corner some assshole grabs me jacket collar and threatens to kick my ass if I dont stop stalking her. I say "who the hell are you" He obviously doesn't know whats been going on. I wished I'd asked him if she had told him to tell me that, she hadn't. So he was way out of line, but regarless, she comes around the corner, stands back a couple yards looking disturbed and I say to her to tell this guy I'm not some crazy stalker. She says I should just go! I say I'm not going anywhere(I'm standing on the sidewalk half a block from her work at this point). The asshooole fakes a punch and keeps snarling and I walk away more stunned and hurt than before. I turn around at the end of the block and there's the assshole overseeing me, standing legs apart in the middle of the sidwalk and he yells to keep going. I mimic his rediculous sudo-millitary stance and motion for him to come down to me. ( I later spend the night with fantacies of beating the crap out of him)...and thats it..No call from her that night so I call and she says"what!" and to stop calling her. the last time I saw her or spoke to her before the Wednsday was on Monday morning in her bed I gave her a huge before she went to work. So know you know. ..sordid..
In your case IshmaelWoof the dog
Jan 19, 2003 12:02 PM
damn
Puleese53T
Jan 19, 2003 7:56 PM
Sorry about your bruised feelings. Stay away from serious relationships until you have grown up a bit more. Maybe three more years, maybe more.
BummerFunston
Jan 19, 2003 10:22 PM
It sounds as if she's figured out she's got a life, and decided that you're not needed anymore. I'd say she has someone interested in her, making her feel attractive and wanted, and causing her to realize she's open for a change. When someone has been receiving crap for a while in a relationship, and then another one comes into the picture and provides an ego-boost, things can change. For women as well as men.

Don't feel too bad - it happens to more of us than you now might think.
FWIW...I don't think the 'friends' thing EVER happensColnagoFE
Jan 20, 2003 10:12 AM
people always say "why cant we just be friends" but life just doesnt work that way. not once you've been that inimate. you can't just reprogram your brain to think differently--at least that quickly. maybe in time you'll be friends, but i doubt it.

it also sounds like another bad idea to have been waiting for her--even drinking her beer when she showed up! Gotta say you have some nerve doing that.
agreeDuane Gran
Jan 21, 2003 7:10 AM
I've tried the friend thing after a relationship, with mixed success. I think non-hostile is a satisfactory goal. I don't like it when people demonize their past relationships. It prevents an oppotunity to learn.

Even if you can have a good friendship, once one of you start the next one that is likely to end it. Girlfriend version 2.0 doesn't like version 1.0 hanging around in any such way. ;)
What you're going through almost seems universal to me.carnageasada
Jan 20, 2003 7:18 PM
I feel like I've gone through very similar circumstances on the path to being a decent (okay semi-decent) husband and father. Most of my friends have gone through the bad times too. I'd like to say that I learned from heart breaking disasters like the one you're going through and that led me to pick a wonderful wife but I doubt it'd be true. I just got lucky. I hope someday you do too. Hang on. Keep yourself alive and you'll have another chance at luck.
I'm not going to wait for luckishmael
Jan 21, 2003 7:28 AM
I'm going to wait around for my ex to maybe give it one more tiny chance that I can work with. If I truly give up hope you'll find me in the personals, I'm not waiting around. I'll just miss her and I want to enjoy my life before it's gone, not that it'll be gone soon.
How long are you gonna wait?ColnagoFE
Jan 21, 2003 9:08 AM
Next time she might place a restraining order on you? Are you sure that the best course of action is to wait for her? If I were you I'd operate as if the relationship was over and move on. My 2c...I've seen people beat themselves up for years trying to make relationships work that were doomed from the start. It doesn't often work and the person wastes valauble time that could be better spent elsewhere. How about a break from relationships entirely for a while? Just date a few random people, have fun, and see where your head is at after that.
I almost went to her house and waited for her tonightishmael
Jan 21, 2003 3:29 PM
But thought better of it. I was in the neighborhood(was playing raquetball(funniest game ever)). I just call, she doesnt pick up, and I talk to her machine. It's my new therapy. I talk for the 5 minutes or so allowed and then erase it and start again. Did it for hours last night.

I dont want to date random people, it seems like everyone else out there sucks, they are unatractive in so many way. Atleast Temples campus is bad. I'm going to give her space and wait a bit and then ask her again. I need a clear no from her. I pretty close to that as is, everyone is telling me to give it up. But I know I wont be able to go out with anyone else for awhile because I'll just start telling stories about my ex and me. It happend when I cheated on her, I changed my mind as soon as I tried.
Give it up Izzy. . .js5280
Jan 21, 2003 12:01 PM
I think you broke her heart and it will take time for her to mend. She's accepted it now and you coming back just makes her uncomfortable and mad. I've been there, it was a while ago but now I'm finally friends with that ex. Who now desperately would like for us to get back together but it won't happen, she's not what I'm looking for even though she is a good person. Now that I've hit 30+, I found I can be good friends with ex-girlfriends. I think it's a maturity thing. Treat each other with respect, leave your ego out of it (don't take rejection personally), and you can walk away being friends more times than not.

I think it's obvious you need to be looking for someone else and chances are you won't find someone soon. Get used to it. That is actually a good thing though. My guess is you need a little time to yourself to figure out your own priorities and what you should be looking for in a mate. What I can judge by past posts is your life is in major transition (new job, breaking up w/ serious girlfriend, etc.) and you probably won't recognize yourself in another year. I'd bet money on it if you're much younger than 30. Go out and date, have fun, figure out what you had good, and what might be better. You'll also find a lot of nightmares too. Learn from experiences so when that next good thing comes along, you'll know it and hopefully know what to do to keep her. Best of luck, happy hunting, and keep it wrapped ;-)
time to myself is boringishmael
Jan 21, 2003 3:34 PM
And maybe I'll hang out with my one other friend(I'm very low on friends, spent all the time with my ex) but it only lasts a couple of hours. I like to spend all my time with someone. life alone isn't exciting, and if you do get excited you all of a sudden want to share it with someone. I'll read, play chess on the comp, go to bars very rarely with a friend(not into bars really), or see a movie or show occasionally with people, but what else is there to do alone? it gets lonely quick.
learn to play the trumpetFunston
Jan 21, 2003 6:03 PM
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and begin to reprogram your DNA so that you don't need women. Needy people tend to be abusers of sorts and thus are to be avoided at all costs, so I understand your ex's attempts to distance herself. Leaving 5 minute phone messages on her machine is a pitiful thing to do - stop it. It's a tipoff of a controlling abuser who's lost control but won't let go - look in the mirror and come clean with yourself.

Take a three month break from her and work on getting grounded and comfortable with yourself. Think about something you'd like to do yourself but haven't done yet. For example, find a musical instrument to learn to play with - I just got myself an electronic keyboard and I find myself spending a lot of time with it. My fantasy about jamming with a group is becoming something I think I can do, and it's a rush. How about a guitar.

Once you've settled yourself down, only then start thinking about women and relationships again. But never again ever need them... instead, want them.
You need to find yourself again. . .js5280
Jan 21, 2003 11:16 PM
I used to be the same way. My girlfriend became my life after we've been together for almost 7 years. I forgot what made me happy and relied on her and our relationship for my happiness. I lost my "self" and really wasn't truly happy, even in my relationship, during that time. It's one of the the hardest and scariest things I've had to face, and this is from a cancer survivor so I know scary times. It took me probably a good year or two to find myself again. That is, picture a fulfiling life without her. A big reason I'm here at RBR is because I rediscovered my passion for bicycling. After we broke up, I dusted off the bike and used it as a way to vent my sorrows and frustrations. It turned out to be a very healthy avenue and I recongize it as such. I lost weight, I cut down on drinking alcohol, I started feelling good about myself again, and meeting others who liked to ride as well. When I have $hitty day, I try to go ride because I always feel better afterwards. If you're going to suffer, do it on a bike because it's healthy and helps clears the mind. Worked for me, worked for Lance, I'm sure its worked for many others here as well.

Go re-introduce yourself to your single friends and make new friends. They'll understand and probably be happy to have you back. Force yourself to get out there and socialize with your buddies. Hit every guys night out you can or start a guys night out. It's important to have guy friends, they help boost your ego and get your chutzpah back. Forget dating for a little while. A decent women doesn't want some lovelorn wuss with nothing to offer.

Take an inventory of what you used to like before surrendering yourself to couplehood and give that another go. That passion may still be there. Do anything but sit at home. A good friend of mine once remarked, "You just don't meet very many interesting people sitting alone in your living room."

Stop feeling sorry for yourself! You obviously ended your relationship for a good reason. Trust that instinct, you two weren't meant to be together even though you probably had some great times together. It happens to us all. The worst thing you could do is go into a committed relationship when you don't feel totally committed. You just end up losing $hit that way, ask any divorcé.

So buck up little camper! Get your mojo back, make new friends, meet some cool women, sow some of those oats that have stacked up, live and learn. Being single is not all that horrible but you just can't see that right now. Work on it.
I guess youre rightishmael
Jan 22, 2003 3:22 PM
I'm sure youre right. I must have broken up with her and not commited for a reason. I hope it wasn't a retarded reason that I regret, that's my big fear. I think I broke up with her largely because I wanted someone I was more attracted to. I'm not sure if that is really shallow or healthy. I've been torn the whole relationship between meeting other attractive women and sticking with my best friend, who is far from unattractive anyway, infact sometimes I think she is the most beautiful women in the world (this feeling happends especially whenever we split up) Which brings up another fear of mine, I'm not satisfiable. sob sob..I'll miss the great fun...but I'll take your advice(your not the only one to say it) I'm not going to go out with anyone for awhile. And, although I maybe shouldnt, I cant help it, and I'm going to wait till I can atleast talk to my ex as friends before I do anything. Assuming she isn't angry at me forever.
Saw in an earlier post. . .js5280
Jan 22, 2003 5:46 PM
you're 27, possibly 28 now. Trust me, you're not missing out on the fun. IMO dating get much better when you approach your 30s. You have to find yourself though first. If you're confident about who you are and what you want, you'll find the right women. From everything you said, I don't think you're being shallow. It's you obvious were attracted to your ex both physically and emotionally, that's not shallow. I think what your past relationship was missing is desire. You got out for the right reasons and before you did something that would really hurt her. As to being unsatisfiable, well I think that's more to do with finding yourself. I don't think you know what you want, maybe from your own life and most likely in a significant other. My guess is you didn't see yourself ever finding that in your previous relationship, or at least soon enough. Sounds like you got some friends to talk things over with and go out with, take advantage of that. Stay away from places you might run into your ex though. That's going to hurt for while, especially if either one of you has a date along. Feel free to drop me an email if you want, the address should be on my profile or an email me button.

Still living in Philly? I used to live at the Naval Base by the Vet. It was only 2nd grade though, so late 70's. My dad grew up in Drexel Hill. Go have a cheese steak and pretzel w/ mustard for me ;-)
Good Job JS....nmLen J
Jan 23, 2003 5:12 AM
thanksishmael
Jan 23, 2003 8:25 AM
it's definately done. I've been dragging her around three years and then holding onto straws when she finally said she'd had enough. Definately, definately done. She hadn't been respond to my calling and emails but she just did. two sentences that said- stop writting and calling me. I'm over it, leave me alone. I guess it's for the best, I would've kept bugging her. I wanted to be friends and hangout, but I can see that not working.
yea, I'm still in philly. I definately dont want another cheese steak, I'll have a pretzel though....Did you know they're tearing down the Vet soon, it's like breaking up but worse, maybe not. They want a bigger stadium, or not even, they just want something a different shape I think. Thats what I heard.