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The truth about Santa - a vicar speaks.(9 posts)

The truth about Santa - a vicar speaks.Eager Beagle
Dec 11, 2002 8:11 AM
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in
the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this
reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378
million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes
to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in
each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per
second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child,
Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump
down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents
under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up
the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept
for the purposes of our analysis), a total trip of 75.5 million miles,
not counting bathroom stops or breaks.
This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles
per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 25 miles per
hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (two
pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa
himself.
On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal
amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa
would need 360,000 of them.
This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh,
another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In
short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing
the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their
wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth
house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of
accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in 001 seconds, would be
subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the
sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and
organs and reducing him to quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now!
Merry Christmas!
Numbers lieCaptain Morgan
Dec 11, 2002 8:38 AM
Yeah, and did you know that if you fold a dollar bill in half 50 times, it would reach the moon?
Yeah, well what about the Easter Bunny smart guy. nmTurtleherder
Dec 11, 2002 8:43 AM
Don't be obtuse.Eager Beagle
Dec 11, 2002 9:24 AM
Everyone knows the Easter Bunny is real.
he has helpers, silly! nmDougSloan
Dec 11, 2002 10:02 AM
Exploding-sonic-booming reindeer? I hope you like coal.carnageasada
Dec 11, 2002 10:54 AM
Maybe more than 1 Santa (see "cloning" thread below) -nmCaptain Morgan
Dec 11, 2002 10:55 AM
His reindeer train in the offseason w/USPS nmempacher6seat
Dec 11, 2002 1:40 PM
God, let's hope notEager Beagle
Dec 12, 2002 1:56 AM
the last thing I want to see on Christmas Eve night is a Shimano sled with low runner count and a noisy freewheel heaving into view :-)