|Life rules for men.||Eager Beagle|
Dec 9, 2002 9:28 AM
|A spiritual message for this time of year:-
> 30 commandments for men
> 1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
> and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
> 2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
> 3. It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
> a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
> b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
> c. After wrecking your boss' car.
> d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
> e. When she is using her teeth.
> 4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
> out of jail within 12 hours.
> 5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
> limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
> 6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
> forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
> 7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
> another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
> 8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
> the weakest.
> 9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you
> may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
> 10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
> brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the
> of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
> 11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when
> you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
> supermodel...and it's free.
> 12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
> allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
> 13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
> 14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
> 15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
> 16. Women who claim to "love watching sports" must be treated as
> spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
> drink as much as the other sports watchers.
> 17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death
> of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire
> threw it into a ceiling fan.
> 18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
> remain sober enough to fight.
> 19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
> pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
> 20. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be
> talking about his choice of beer.
> 21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in criticising a mate of
> yours, except if she's withholding a shag pending your response.
> 22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
> a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
> b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
> c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
> 23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
> footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
> situations, an
> almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
> 24. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than
> you are not able to have a shag with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
> hang up if necessary.
> 25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a
> massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair
> cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his
> is broke
|that was only 25 rules? (nm)||ColnagoFE|
Dec 9, 2002 9:43 AM
|D'oh thanks - the rest fell off the bottom - here..||Eager Beagle|
Dec 9, 2002 9:49 AM
|26. The morning after you and a girl (who was formerly "just a
> friend") have carnal drunken monkey se*x, and the fact that you're
> weird and guilty, is no reason not to nail her again before the
> about what a big mistake it was.
> 27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
> for her to drive yours.
> 28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than
> 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 2 litres, 16
> valves, and a turbo.
> 29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime
> green, orange or sky blue.
> 30. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
> Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets
Dec 9, 2002 10:55 AM
|When approaching the urinals, choose one at least one removed from another in use, if possible.
If you shave your legs, you'd better be a cyclist. If she doesn't shave hers, she'd better be European.
It's only ok to watch Will and Grace if you stare at Karen's chest.
|Womens rules for men:||Kristin|
Dec 9, 2002 10:52 AM
|1. Call. (Boyfriends are allotted a 24 hour grace period. If you did not specify a specific time of day, your grace period begins at 6am. Husbands are allotted 20 minutes grace.)
2. Don't lie. We know.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is, "No."
5. The correct answer to, "No, be honest. Do I look fat?" is still, "No."
6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
7. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
8. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Ball & Chain" are bad.
9. Slapping her on the ass is not "sexy."
10. Yes and no are not acceptable answers to a question.
11. Her cooking is excellent.
12. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
13. Dish soap is your friend.
14. Hat does not equal a shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
15. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. Unless you fly her to the nicest restaurant in Paris.
16. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end the conversation.
17. Two words: clean socks.
18. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.
19. Burping is not sexy.
20. Neither if flatulence. This is always true. Just because we laugh when you do it doesn't mean we think its funny.
20. You're wrong.
21. You're sorry.
22. Prove it.
23. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool bike collection than you think she is.
24. Ditto for your discourse on football.
25. If you've never had PMS, don't pretend you understand what its like.
26. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
27. If she says she'll see herself out, walk her to her car.
28. ALWAYS walk her to her car.
29. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm. Even if this means you must get out of bed at 2 am in a blizzard.
30. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
31. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
32. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
33. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
34. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
35. Always, always suck up to her brother.
36. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
37. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
38. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
39. Her haircut is never bad.
40. Don't let your friends pick on her.
41. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.
|are these from Meredith Brooks? :-) nm||DougSloan|
Dec 9, 2002 10:59 AM
|Mens' rules for women:||Kristin|
Dec 9, 2002 11:05 AM
|1. Learn to work the toilet seat. It goes up and down. You don't hear us griping because you leave it down all the time.
2. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
3. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.
4. Peach is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. Red is a color.
5. If it itches, it will be scratched.
6. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
7. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
9. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
10. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret models, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
11. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Pin up a calendar where we can see it and mark important dates clearly.
12. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
13. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
14. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. Goes along with the absence of mind reading ability.
15. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
16. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
17. Weekend = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
19. You have enough clothes.
20. You have too many shoes.
21. Crying is blackmail.
22. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
23. What the hell is a doily?
24. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
25. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
26. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
27. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
28. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
29. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
30. No, it does not matter which quiz.
31. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
32. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
33. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
34. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
35. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
36. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done; not both.
37. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
38. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and either do we.
39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
40. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
41. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
42. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
43. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
44. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
|incredible insight. have a beer on me. nm||DougSloan|
Dec 9, 2002 11:12 AM
|Variation on "The correct answer to 'Do I look fat?'"||PdxMark|
Dec 9, 2002 1:03 PM
|The incorrect answer to
"Does this outfit make me look fat?"
"No, your fat makes you look fat."
Dec 9, 2002 1:12 PM
|Truth, particularly raw, undiplomatic, caustic truth, is not always best. That's so unthinkable -- Andrew Dice Clay couldn't have done better.|
|#31: Consult the Guardian on a daily basis to see what evil ...||jose_Tex_mex|
Dec 9, 2002 4:58 PM
|... the US is up to.
#32: Inform mis-guided "Yanks" by means of electronic bulletin boards wrt said evil.
#33: Have tea and scones - lament on progress made towards world harmony.
#34: Look out window and gaze upon "that which" the yanks are missing.
#35: Go back to #31 to ensure new information pertinent to the cycling board has not been posted.
|You missed on||Eager Beagle|
Dec 10, 2002 1:33 AM
|31.5. Post message, carefully removing long words, references to history (i.e. times more than 200 years ago), and deleting any concept that may lead reader to question the Bush Plan For World Domination, and splutter breakfast of ribs and syrup with 8 quarts of cream coffee over comic strip "The World Today In Our County" newspaper.
|http://www.talkingpresidents.com/ - nm||MJ|
Dec 10, 2002 1:47 AM
|#31: Tune in to 2 Minutes Hate on Fox News. (nm)||czardonic|
Dec 10, 2002 10:29 AM