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Warning: Major young male rant ahead!(17 posts)

Warning: Major young male rant ahead!empacher6seat
Jul 7, 2002 10:42 PM
Alright, I'm sorry to put you all through this, but it's been a while since the last post where a guy has acted like a baby while bitching about the opposite sex, so... here goes:

I met this nice young lady at work a couple of weeks ago. We talked a lot, and it turns out we have plenty in common! We share interests in movies, music, sports, and so on. I was talking to one of her friends, and it turns out she's a year and a half older then me. I'm 18, she's 19 and soon to be 20. When I found this out, I recalled conversations I've had with some of my female friends who tell me they'd NEVER date a guy younger then them. I found that totally absured, and kind of insulting actually. They said younger guys are too immature, which i find to be a gross generalization. Anyways, I went out with this girl from work a few times and we really hit it off and we really expressed interest in each other. The next time we went out she wanted to go to a bar for a cold one after work. I said I couldn't, because I'm not of age (legal age is 19 in British Columbia) and she seemed totally suprised by that. That was the first time she found out by age. I called her the next day and she told me she wasn't interested in me anymore, giving me some lame excuses.

Now, I understand that when you're my age, the leaps in maturity you take from one year to the next, especially after you graduate from highschool, are tremendous... but most people I know: teachers, my bosses, even my PARENTS (go figure) say I'm well beyond my years when it comes to responsibility and maturity. Hell I don't even LOOK young!

Is it really that important for women to go for older guys? Is it just for the novelty of dating someone older? Can they really back it up with proof that it leads to better relationships, or is it just, like what I've found constitues most of womens' thinking, some completely insane unwritten law that seems to defy all logic?! (Sorry, I just had to slip that in there). Guys and gals, chicks and dudes, please try and shed some light for me here... I'm young and learning, and was kind of hurt by this whole ordeal!

*whew* - nothin' like a good rant!
well, if she's concerned with something so (imho) shallow,weiwentg
Jul 8, 2002 1:06 AM
she's probably not worth having anyway.
all right. in your case, this was probably a case of someone being too tradition-bound. some people are like that; some people won't ride Al, some won't ride any bike above 18 lbs (me), and some people won't date older women or younger men. it happens, just move along and don't be too disappointed. plenty of fish in the sea.
at least you're not dating outside of your race - THAT is, in my limited experience, much more difficult.
my boyfriend is quite a bit youngerlonefrontranger
Jul 8, 2002 4:52 AM
but then he's a bike racer, i.e. eminently mature (not!)

Seriously, I agree with weiwentg on this one. If a few months' age difference is that much of a barrier in her mind that she can't get past, then just imagine how the crap would fly had you guys clashed on something really important.

I'll be 34 in a month. My dude is 26. We've been living together for 7 years, you do the math. So okay we couldn't go out to bars together when we first met; like we ever did that sort of thing anyhow. We both love cycling and he's a definite keeper.
you cradlerobber!ColnagoFE
Jul 8, 2002 7:36 AM
just kiddin ya....
Aint life a roller coaster ride of emotions?AllisonHayes
Jul 8, 2002 6:04 AM
Find the immature one in this picture...

Talk about black and white. Some women, regardless of age have such a preconceived and shallow image of what makes an "ideal" relationship that they just end up painting themselves into a corner. Anyone who is outside those rigid lines is immediately dismissed. Don't take this personally; she will do this countless times until she finds the person who fits her model. Unfortunately, she is only setting herself up for her own misery.

Too often women will confuse an "older" man with "maturity" only to discover that he isn't quite as perfect as their vision. Ironically, this too often leads to disillusionment or bitterness, where they can easily end up in a cycle of abusive relationships or they will cling to the person for emotional support.

You are far better off to have discovered her immaturity early. Regardless of how much you feel how "it might of been"--consider yourself lucky. If you see her with someone else, thank that person for saving you endless grief.

Bottom line, she isn't worth it; cut your losses. You will find someone who likes you for the person you are.
Looking for the one person.Len J
Jul 8, 2002 6:27 AM
When I was dating, the one that drove me nuts was the notion that...."For every person in the world, there is that one perfect match, "The one", dating is about finding "the one". If I only find "The One" everything will be easy and perfect!" What claptrap! Women seem to suffer from this more then men and IMO set themselves up for years of misery always wondering if "the one" is just around the next date.

Any relationship is a series of choices about what you want & don't want, what you will tolerate & what you won't, how much of yourself you will give & how much you will withhold, and how much risk you will or won't take. This notion of ease & perfection makes it impossible for any relationship to measure up. What a waste.

IMO, it is better to know now that she can't handle the age difference than to find out after you have really chosen to invest your heart. I suspect that you would have found many more shallow notions as you got to know her more.

I am always saddened (in hindsight) to think about all of the probably interesting people that I chose not to get to know when I was younger because they didn't fit my narrow definition of acceptable. It definatly is a human trait to be more comfortable with acceptable norms.

Len
searching for Mr. GoodbarStarliner
Jul 8, 2002 10:58 AM
The ladies who I have come across who were searching for The One tended to be perfectionists, and were basically unhappy campers. It took a few tries before I came to realize that I was better off to not get attached to such types, because there was no way I (or anyone) would ever measure up to their "perfect pictures".
Sore spot with me.Len J
Jul 8, 2002 11:35 AM
My ex lives by the credo...."If it's "Right" it will be easy, and therefor if it's not easy it musn't be right." As a result she has gone thru countless "careers", innumerable boyfriends, and one husband. Try salvaging a marriage when your "partner" believes the above at a cellular level. Imagine a marriage with 4 kids ever being easy.

end of rant.

Len
It's Biologicaljose_Tex_mex
Jul 8, 2002 6:19 AM
In my humble opinion, I believe women are attracted to older men (and men to youger) because of our biological drives. Mostly to continue the species.

Think about our ancient ancestors. The males who showed signs of age were the ones who had obviously figured out how to survive - how to get food and keep from being food. They were the succesful providers. Potential mates were able to pick up on the signs of age as a badge of honor.

On the other hand you now had the alpha males who wanted to pass on their genes. Who would they choose? - the younger females. In this way they optimized their chances for healthy offspring and multiple births.

We're soooo Serengehity...

This kind of thing is present all over. One of my first jobs I was just chock full of ideas - but no-one was listening. An older guy explained to me that until I got a few greys things would not change.

I think this is part of our youth obsessed culture today. The older generation does everything they can to look young and does not have the wisdom to pass on to the next generation (in general).

You're too young to be worrying about this AND the weather is too nice. If you want something steady wait until winter. As for bringing girls to the bar - don't bring sand to the beach.
Nature vs nurtureMcAndrus
Jul 8, 2002 8:50 AM
Jose's right. There is a trend throughout human history for women to prefer older (slightly older) men for reasons I don't totally understand. But I do accept the explanations of experience, protection, provider, etc. I also accept that men tend to look for younger women (slightly younger) as better, healthier mates.

I don't know if it's because of nature or nurture. Are we born with this preference or is it culturally taught?

I do know that it's the trend but not the rule. My mother was older than my father, my sister is older than my brother-in-law, and I myself had a couple of older girlfriends when I was a young lad. Age never seemed to be an issue with any of these women.

As someone else posted, wait until she's 50. She'd love to have an 18-year-old chasing her then.
age discriminationDougSloan
Jul 8, 2002 6:21 AM
People often have a set of preconceived ideas in their head about what a certain category of people are like, whether it be sex, race, wealth, ethnicity, height, what car they drive, age, etc. We call this prejudice.

For some, they don't look past the preconceived ideas to get to know the actual person. It may be that the prejudice is too strong, or they might not care enough.

Frequently, it is futile to try to fight this. She is who she is, at least now at this time of her life. Chances are, she won't be the same in 5 years.

I guess this isn't much help, except to maybe describe what happens to millions of people every day. Prejudice and discrimination. Hard to fight.

Doug
grow up!mr_spin
Jul 8, 2002 7:07 AM
Seriously, grow up, Get older.

It's totally understandable that a 20-year old woman wouldn't want to date an 18-year old man. I can't explain exactly why, but it is. Part of it is that as an 18-year old, in theory, you are just entering life on your own. A 20-year old has already been there for two years and it makes a difference. Sort of like the newbie who shows up for the fast group ride.

When you hit your mid-twenties, it stops being a big deal.
wait until she is 50 (nm)ColnagoFE
Jul 8, 2002 7:35 AM
you're both youngStarliner
Jul 8, 2002 9:12 AM
Funny how younger women frequently seek older men, then around their 40's, they begin to lust after younger, hormonally-charged studs. So, go find yourself a well-kept 39 year-old woman to trade pleasures with...:-)

Both of you being young and unseasoned, and to contribute toward your personal growth, it's time you both took a little test before you part ways.

You are going to contact her for one last time, but before you do this, take some time to think about what you liked about her; why you liked being with her; what you liked doing with her; and why you think both of you got along so well. Then, think about what she liked about you; why she liked being with you; and why she enjoyed being with you.

Then call her up and very nicely, but not in a needy, pleading way, let her know that whatever happens from this time out will happen, but that you do want her to know that she meant something to you, that you enjoyed doing this and that with her, and that you want to feel that she also has positive feelings about her time with you.

Maybe you'll find out what her issue is; if you do, then you'll be in a position to defuse it if you want. If the issue cannot be overcome, then accept it, thank her for the good time together, chalk one up for experience, set your sights forward, let her go, and move on.
you might be reading too much into itterry b
Jul 8, 2002 10:21 AM
A 19 year old dumping an 18 year old because of age differences - that's a hoot.

I'm guessing she just prefers to date someone who can go to bars. And maybe that's important to her as is not taking the ribbing from her friends when they want to go out and she can't because she's seeing you. "Babysitting tonight?" Not every just-post-teenager wants to handle that kind of peer pressure.

Now as to why young girls look to older men - the reasons are obvious - more money, more stuff, less likely to be acting like a frat boy wearing a backwards baseball cap. Older men seek younger women for very simple reasons - they're unformed and they don't set high expectations. More importantly a younger women makes an older men feel younger (and isn't it nice to have a trophy for all the other older guys.)

Rest assured though it all gets switched around later. My wife is 7 years older than I am and I would not have it any other way. Age becomes a funny thing as you get older. A 19 year old woman would never date a 12 year old boy but 29 to 22 or 36 to 29 or 44 to 37 or 55 to 48 all work much better, with the better increasing as the older one gets older.

Bottom line, if she's that superficial - forget her. She thinks she's crossed some threshold into adulthood (as in legal drinking age) and you can only represent her recent past, no matter how nice a guy you are.
agree--when i was youngerColnagoFE
Jul 8, 2002 12:31 PM
i remember bars and nightclubbing as being pretty important. I can see how not being able to go might be a problem. that said...i once dated someone who was 5 years older than me and at the time i wasn't able to go to bars. she didn't seem to mind. i was 19 at the time. then again all her friends went nightclubbing so i was kinda left out there and i'm sure that didn't help the relationship any.
It works the same the other wayliu02bhs
Jul 8, 2002 6:38 PM
Hey, I'm weren't date a girl older than me unless she is just way better than normal. So it works both ways.