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Relocation Advice?(15 posts)

Relocation Advice?steviec
Apr 8, 2002 2:00 PM
Here's my situation: I'm presently "consulting" (basically unemployed), but I have a really good job offer (about $150k/year) about 1,000 miles away, in the midwest. I'd take the job in a heartbeat, but my wife is really opposed to moving away from her parents and siblings. We're not kids (I'm 45 and she's 41) and we have two young boys.
I'll miss my family, too, but I'd be earning enough that we could fly in fairly regularly. Nevertheless, she just can't handle the emotions connected with the geographic separation.
Please don't give me any macho crap about who wears the pants in the family. But if you have any real advice, I'd really appreciate it.
-Steve
it's toughRideLots
Apr 8, 2002 2:13 PM
My family moved a lot growing up, always for my dad to take a better job. Now my parents are in Florida, and my sister, her 4 kids, my brother and his 2, and my wife with one on the way are all in California and Oregon. My parents see us and the grandkids about a week or so each year.

My advice -- if family is important to you, don't do it. You think you'll jump on a plane every so often, but it's such a hassle, you probably won't. It's not like even driving for 8 hours.

My wife has never lived outside the city limits of where we are. I've lived all over the place. I could envision living almost anywhere, she would never consider it. It depends upon what you are used to.

Money just can't replace the time you miss with family, friends, and familiar places.

My sincere advice is that if you can work where you are, I would do that. Nonetheless, you have to support your family, and if relocating is the only way to do it, then you just have to.

Doug
re: Relocation Advice?jrm
Apr 8, 2002 2:27 PM
Your families there, you & your wife have long time friends there, your kids have made long time friends there, you have a social area foundation. No amount of $$$ can replace these things.

My dad moved us to the west coast from the midwest when i was 11. yeah the money was great but that didnt last forever. My father has said that if he had to make the decision again he wouldnt have us out here due to the impacts of ripping up the roots for the prospect of more money..
re: Relocation Advice?mr_spin
Apr 8, 2002 2:47 PM
What is your situation now? You say you are basically unemployed, but are the bills getting paid?

There's a big difference between taking a job because you need the money and taking a job because you'll make more money. I wouldn't uproot my family just to make more money unless they all bought into it.

On the other hand, if you both are basically unemployed and don't have any other options where you are, that's pretty much a done deal. It's a hardship, but a necessary one. In that case, you have to sell it as a positive rather than a negative. One door closing is another door opening and all that.

If you do move, try to postpone moving the whole family until summer to let the kids finish the school year. It will be much easier for them. That's a good way to spend some of that cash.
Tough choice...DINOSAUR
Apr 8, 2002 5:33 PM
When I worked for the State of Ca we uprooted and moved three times within a three year period. I stayed planted the last move for 17 years, raising two boys and putting them through high school. When the youngest graduated we selected that time to move to the foothills (which was my dream). By then we had an unexpected third child who had not started school yet. We've lived at our present location for 12 years and our daughter is a Soph in h.s. My wife was behind me with these choices. I moved so often when I was a kid I attended 5 different schools by the time I reached 6th grade. It was hard. I didn't want to put my kids through that. Also remember once you leave some place, you can never really go back to find things the same. My $.02 is that your family comes first, and if they are dead set against it (sounds like they are) stay where you are, money isn't everything. Think long and hard about this...also~ our last move was only 150 miles from our old residence, my wife still visits her Mom and old friends a couple times a year, but it was still hard on her, she left all her friends behind. Just typing this makes me appreciate my wife....
Working For the State...jrm
Apr 9, 2002 12:28 PM
Which agency? im with Caltrans. Started in LA and am now in Oakland.
Working For the State...DINOSAUR
Apr 9, 2002 5:08 PM
Retired CHP '71-'98

Barstow
Redwood City
San Jose
Santa Cruz
Auburn

I avoided the L.A. experience
CHP.....jrm
Apr 11, 2002 2:04 PM
I lived in Dutch Flat (up the hill from Auburn) and got to know the local CHP guys pretty well. Gave me a ride home from the Monte Vista on a coupla ocassions.
CHP.....DINOSAUR
Apr 11, 2002 5:55 PM
I would have transferred to the Gold Run Office, it is commutable from my house in Christian Valley (25mi) however I am not a snow person. I got stuck a lot on road closure during the big storms when they shut down I-80 at Applegate. I ride over the Applegate overcross on most of my rides. I'm glad I'm not in that business anymore (!)
I've moved several times.Len J
Apr 8, 2002 5:49 PM
and as the old saying goes, nothings free.

Moving to an area with no family or friends is scary, stressful, and can put a strain on your relationship with your wife, your kids & your family & friends. However, it can be a great experience if both you & your family go into it as an adventure, as a chance to really explore yourselves & stretch your own limits.

From what you've written, it sounds like pressuring your wife to move could be a recipe for disaster, you will put her in a position where she may be negativly predisposed, she may not see anything good about the move. This could poison your marriage.

A few questions:

How did you get to the point of being offered a job with a relocation without being sure your wife would move? I know how long the interview process is for a job like this & it seems to me that you should have dealt with this earlier.

Has your wife been to the new location? Is her reaction based on the move itself, or the move to this place?

Is your wife the type who says the first reaction to something or does she think about things before she verbalizes? If the former, she may change her mind, if the latter, I wouldn't count on it.

At the end of the day, you have to choose what is important to you. Only you can decide if this will do serious damage to your marriage & if you care.

Good luck, tough decision.
What choice will you feel best about yourself making?

Len
re: Relocation Advice?MJ
Apr 9, 2002 12:37 AM
sensible advice so far

I've moved and been moved about for most of my life - for me it was (and is) an enriching experience - I believe it can be for most people - I've managed to keep up with friends and family scattered across the globe - still you never get enough time with people - not that I think you do if you stay in one place forever either...

the real question is your wife and how damaging the move may be (or a related ultimatum) - IMO kids are not a concern - they are far more resilient than parents in these matters

have you considered commuting? lots of people live apart or travel during the week - if you're on fat money - you could fly back 'home' every weekend (or your wife out for QT alone away from kids?) - it may be that your wife/family may benefit from a slow introduction to new environs - you may decide the job isn't worth the hassle or that it is and with experience the idea of moving may be broached again with wife/family from a position of shared knowledge
re: Relocation Advice?netso
Apr 9, 2002 3:18 AM
My .o2c worth. our family comes first. I owned a company that required me to leave on Monday and come back on Friday.
It not only wore me out, I did not see my wife and kids. I opted to move back home, take a tremendous pay cut just to be home. It has been the best move I have ever made.
Just in our experience...retro
Apr 9, 2002 8:07 AM
As a one-time "consultant" who had to move 500 miles to find a regular gig myself, I sympathize. It was easier for us, because we had no kids then and liked where we were going better than where we were, in Los Angeles. But I've stayed in one place now for 20+ years, raised two kids to college age, and I sort of wish I'd moved around MORE. I turned down several job offers to give my family "stability," and I'd do it again...but sometimes you wonder about the direction your life might have taken.
I'm in a mobile business in a transient-heavy town, and I've seen lots of people move their kids around. Before high school they seem to to very well--they learn to like the new area in a matter of weeks, not months, and soon fit in. High school is harder, as you'd expect. One key (my wife's a teacher, and sees dozens of "new kids" every year) is to move in the MIDDLE of the school year, not during summer as so many people do. That sort of forces the kids into society, rather than dumping them in a place where they don't know anybody in June, when they have three months to brood and feel lonely.
We all have to consider the feelings and opinions of our spouses, male or female...but they also have to consider ours. Whether you were the husband or the wife in this case, seems to me, you'd have a right to expect your spouse to weigh all the factors, including the degree to which you define yourself by your work. If a good job in your field is important to your self-image or whatever, the situation's different than if you could be just as happy working in a mall somewhere. If she can only find satisfying work where SHE is, then more of the burden shifts to you.
I'm glad we don't have to do it again...but I meekly suggest that at age 41, she might be able to handle living two hours away from her mother.
My biggest regret in life...rideslikeagirl
Apr 16, 2002 11:58 AM
will always be moving away from my family.

Yes, you can fly home a couple times a year, but there is just no way to replace the casual frequency when you live close to each other.

Jobs come and go. Family is precious and also temporary.

Invest your time wisely.
My biggest regret in life...klay
Apr 18, 2002 8:23 AM
would also be moving across the country from family. I'm a Connecticut Yankee in Seattle.

I figure I can get home to see parents, siblings, nieces and nephews about once a year at most. Here's the thought that convinced me that we should plan on moving back: Parents just turned 60. If they can make it to 80-85, ,at most I will see them 20-25 more times in my life. That's it, 20-25.

K