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Just broke up with my girlfriend of FIVE years.....(34 posts)

Just broke up with my girlfriend of FIVE years.....rubendc19
Sep 5, 2003 1:21 PM
Not cycling related, but I have no one to else to talk to, I must admit it's only been an hour, and its way harder than I thought......

this is not going well!
don't be alone with your thoughts...Oldtrott
Sep 5, 2003 1:42 PM
Best thing is to keep your mind away from thinking about this for a while...visit friends..get out and ride if you aren't too distracted...but definitely get out...do stuff...keep your mind away from thinking right now...

things will get better but it takes time.

Good luck
Are you dump-er or dump-ee?PseuZQ
Sep 5, 2003 1:45 PM
I know the feeling, believe me.

Look on the bright side: I never would have gotten as involved in cycling as I am now if I hadn't been dumped hard. I just channeled all that negative energy into riding -- lots.

Hang in there.
I had the same experiencePmbH
Sep 5, 2003 1:57 PM
When I was dumped hard, I turned it around to a positive for riding. I had saved up about $2500 for a vacation with the girl. When she dumped me, I used that cash for a new mountain bike and a road-trip out to Moab. I did just like PseuZQ and channeled the negative into lots of riding. Sometimes thinking about that experience when I'm on a steep hill is just the motivation I need to grind it out to the top.
Ride!!!ms
Sep 5, 2003 1:49 PM
You really don't want to talk to anyone about it now. There are basically two themes to post-breakup conversations: (1) She was worthless and this is the best thing that ever happened to you; or, (2) You must be worthless because she broke up with you. You reall don't want to hear either theme. Even if you have issues with her, you don't want to hear someone tell you that someone you spent five years with is worthless. And, the last thing you want to hear now is how worthless you are.

You need to do what every obsessed person does during a time of crisis: indulge your obsession and forget about your sorrows. What would you do if you were an alcoholic? Drink! What would you do if you were obese? Eat some more! What should you do it you like to ride a bike? Well, . . . Ride.

Finally, something more serious: Nothing constructive anyone can say will make you feel any better. Time is the only thing that will lessen your pain. Good luck.
You know.lotterypick
Sep 5, 2003 1:54 PM
I've been in a similar place and even dropped out of college for a year because I just couldn't think straight.

Just to let you know.

You'll always remember her, even 20 years down the road and it was good, but it's good that it happened before you were married.

For the girl and I, we both got what we wanted. I wanted family and she career. I think she found it wasn't as fulfilling, but hey we all make our choices.

Just know that there are tons of girls out there and they all have different mixes of characteristics.

Some of those you liked in your girlfriend, you'll look for, but also those things that she wasn't strong in, well you can now look for those.

In short, you can prioritize what was good, what went wrong (which is very revealing about priorities and habits) and be more educated in your next phase of life.

Life is full of phases and we just have to do our best in the one we're in.

Maybe you'll get back together (I don't know what happened) and wouldn't that be great as you had time to think and really commit and work on the same wavelength in terms of things that caused the breakup.

In any case, let the situation sit. Go see a movie and hang out with your friends.

She's probably thinking about things too and maybe this will be the nudge to get things where they need to be to move forward.

If she's not, then no sense worrying or mulling on it, except for what you learned from it and how it can help life down the road. Relax and don't mull, if possible, call some friends and enjoy what you have, which is a lot.

By the way, because of the break up with mine, I saw the reality of what I knew she was always capable of (leaving a good thing for career), I met my wife and it's all good.

By the way, the ex called to get back (after a year) and I just laughed. Knowing that I had seen what I knew was there and that I moved on in a better way, with someone who shares my hopes and dreams.

Take care.
So did I !CARBON110
Sep 5, 2003 1:55 PM
HAHA I did as well..only we have been parting for about a month. There is alot you can say about these things however, I like Bill Mahrs' explanation; that a married man is like an indoor cat looking out at the world it belongs to. LOL! I don't really believe that but anyway, keep your chin up. You will go through several phases emotionally and you should remember them from the last time you ended a relationship. It gets better. Hopefully your split wasnt messy but amicable and no one did anything...errr they shouldn't have :D
re: Just broke up with my girlfriend of FIVE years.....cyclingforhealth
Sep 5, 2003 1:56 PM
You might seek counseling. It will help you get past it. Best wishes to you buddy.
Why do I get the feelingKristin
Sep 5, 2003 3:15 PM
Why do I get the feeling from you posts that you are making fun of me specifically? If you are, its not only mean...its just not funny. Please stop.
Why do I get the feelingcyclingforhealth
Sep 5, 2003 6:21 PM
Are you referring to my post? If you are. I don't know why you feel this way. We don't even know each other. I mean no harm to anyone on this board. Most of you have been very nice and helpful in helping me understand your world of cyling better.
Why do I get the feelingRealMatureGuy
Sep 5, 2003 7:06 PM
I'm intrigued by your idea of cycling to become more fiscally sound. I'd like to go over my portfolio with you. Or, in case you are the fat guy, I'd like to go over my portabello with you.
The one you had the twins with? nmOldEdScott
Sep 5, 2003 3:32 PM
You need CLOSURE!! Go buy a NEW BIKE!!!!roadeeforlife
Sep 5, 2003 2:38 PM
Try splitting up with wife of 12 years.....AaronL
Sep 5, 2003 3:00 PM
and we have two kids. Not to minimize your pain, but it can be a lot worse. Without kids or legal connections, you two basically just walk away.

We split up just this week, and I can tell you that being alone is good for you right now. Just do whatever you like, try doing something different and know that every day it will hurt a bit less.

Or so they tell me!

I plan on riding, a lot.

AL
Oh yea? Try splitting up with your wife of 16 years!terry b
Sep 5, 2003 9:07 PM
did that, it was pretty bad. like you, also had two kids, both advanced teenagers now. probably don't have the relationship with them that I might of, but if you have to choose between being insanely unhappy and not being around your kids, the choice is obvious.

10 years later, I'm married again to a wonderful woman who not only saved my life but has proven to me that there are good people out there for you. marriage second time around can be a wonderful experience.

have heart, it may get worse for a while, but it only gets better after you get out of the pit.
re: Just broke up with my girlfriend of FIVE years.....aliensporebomb
Sep 5, 2003 3:46 PM
I've been there. It was so horrible and humilating (I was the
dumpee of course) I ended up channeling all of that into the
guitar and became a pretty good guitar player out of it.

Then later I got into cycling. Still do both guitar and
cycling. Wrote some bitter songs but better days are ahead.

I didn't know it at the time but a female friend later
became my wife. I was just too blinded with dumbness over
the breakup to see it.
Deal with it proactively and positively.czardonic
Sep 5, 2003 3:48 PM
The impulse to put the situation out of your mind and busy yourself with other things is natural, and not necessarily bad. Works for a lot of people -- but then again a lot of people carry around baggage from past, unresolved relationships.

In my experience the best remedy is to face the situation with as much honesty (brutal if necessary) as you can muster. Honesty about where your relationship was going and why it developed the way it did. Honesty about who you are, what you are looking for in life and what you truly need. Only when you recognize what pieces you have can you start putting them together.

In any case, excercise is a great stress reliever.
Hey you guys are da bomb!!!!!!!!!!rubendc19
Sep 5, 2003 3:57 PM
Hey fellow cyclist you guys are great. Who would have known that me getting in front of my computer typing a couple of words about what happened to me, and when I check later I'm feeling a whole lot better. Once again THANX, I will tell you this, I just came back from riding. I did a little 30 miler and even met up with the usual guys who I ride with not even thinking they would be out there today. It certainly took my mind of of things. You guys are right there is a flip side, there ARE plenty of girls out there, and maybe they'll notice the guy who goes to the gym a whole lot more now and rides a whole lot more too.
I'm in the same boatishmael
Sep 5, 2003 4:11 PM
but it was about half a year ago. I decided to call and beg her to come back at least once a week. ONce upon a time she loved me and would've married me, now she thinks I'm annoying and doesn't think she ever really loved me. You still have a relationship with her, dont blow it by following my footsteps. As far as riding goes, I think it's good to get out there, makes you feel good. And get out with friends if you can, call mom, change your life drasticly(maybe sell the bike or go on vacation or get another toy)
Man, I am sorry to hear this.czardonic
Sep 5, 2003 4:39 PM
It sounds like you recognize the problem, which is good.

Serious relationships never end, they evolve. We can't control that evolution, but we can influence their progress. In your case, for whatever reason, the "significant other" phase of your relationship reached its end. What you are to each other from now on can range from despised chip-on-the-shoulder to lifelong friend and confidant. It is all a matter of realizing what is there and putting the pieces in place. E.g. your girlfriend ended the relationship, so the pieces to re-create that relationship are no longer there. But that does not mean that she can not and does not have love for you.

I was once in your situation, believing one day that I was with the person I would spend the rest of my life with and discovering the next that that would never happen. Coming to terms with the "never" part of that is the key. Once it was clear that we were both moving forward again, we've found that we can remain friends.

Getting a weekly call from someone who refuses to move on would be annoying regardless of how much you loved them. I doubt that your ex never loved the "you" that she said she loved way back when, though she may not want what you have become in her life. It sounds like you have given her no option but to try to drive you away completely, which is unfortunate for both of you.
Good points here. I might add....PseuZQ
Sep 5, 2003 7:38 PM
...that if you plan on consuming alcohol, DISCONNECT and HIDE your telephone. Drinking and dialing is no fun at all, especially if you don't remember doing it the next day.

"Whhhhhyyyydon't you luuuuv me? hic!" Can't imagine why an ex wouldn't want to hear that sh** at 3 a.m....

Not that I'd know or anything.
Actually..........CARBON110
Sep 5, 2003 4:44 PM
First off Kristin who are you referencing to? My experience since I am going through the same thing is this; Some deep reflection to make sure I am in a healthy place mentally and feeling good about who I am. That way I can move on without alot of attachments from this relationship. Secondly, recognising that this is a good thing and looking forward to the next step in my life and awaiting it anxiously. True there are alot of fish in the sea and alot of them look alike. So perhaps you met one that looked like the right one but wasnt quite what you needed. In spite of your pain or meloncholy you may be going throw it will help you grow as a person and you learn alot more about yourself especially if you live alone. In time this will be a vague memory. When you do get down just remind yourslef this too shall pass....don't over do it on the bike and don't get into any mental ruts while on the bike :D
It will get better fairly soon!lemmy999
Sep 5, 2003 4:56 PM
Just hang in there. About 10 years ago a 7 year relationship ended for me. It was more me than her. Then I wanted to get back together (thinking she would always be there) and she very nicely let me know that she would have none of that. It was not that bad because I thought she would come around soon. Then a month or so later I was talking to her and found out she was seeing someone else. That night was the hardest night ever. I channeled my energy into working out and my serious devotion to fitness began then and it still continues to this day. 10 months later I heard she got married and it didn't bother me at all. Just hang in there and keep yourself busy.
A quote from the movie "Say Anything"bsdc
Sep 5, 2003 5:16 PM
JOE: Lloyd, man, no babe is worth it. Yo, hang with us man. We'll teach you Bibles full of truth.
DENNY: Man, all you gotta do is find a girl that looks just like her, nail her, and then dump her, man. Get her off your mind.
MARK: Your only mistake is that you didnt dump her first. Diane Court is a show pony. You need a stallion, my friend. Walk with us, and you walk tall.
re: Just broke up with my girlfriend of FIVE years.....srajr
Sep 5, 2003 5:23 PM
Do you have a picture ?

.
.
.

No, seriously, *od, I'm awful. Just trying a little humour. But do you have a picture ?
re: Just broke up with my girlfriend of FIVE years.....MrWonderfull
Sep 5, 2003 5:32 PM
Well, that's a few minutes for you to reflect. Hope you got a laugh out of that, cause you need it right now.

But you know, if you're laughing with (at) me, then really . . .how dare you ? Just because you *had* a girlfriend, does that really give you the right to laugh at all of us (not-so-big assumption, you cycling geeks - I've seen your photos) who ****don't actually have a girlfriend**** ???

You may be way more suave (swaavaaay) than the rest of us, but really -- how dare you ?

Okay, look it's Friday night, I know you're reading this because you don't have a girlfriend anymore. But, I'm writing this because ***I don't have a girlfriend anymore***. ALRIGHT !! I GET IT !! I SEE YOUR POINT !! ENOUGH ALREADY !!! CHEER THE F*** UP !!!

Cheers

srajr
re: Just broke up with my girlfriend of FIVE years.....MrWonderfull
Sep 5, 2003 5:36 PM
Oh, sh#t, now you see that my screen name, MrWonderfull, equates to my real-life name of srajr. My anonymity is shot, just great, just great.

I gotta come clean. So, now here's some advice, because you're wondering about life right now, which is never a good place to be, since the sure way to happiness is just to be content, float along, and take what comes to you: Watch "Box of Moonlight". It's a John Turturo (?) flick. Be the guy in the coonskin cap. That should help.
That should help if you NEVER want to have another SORay Sachs
Sep 5, 2003 6:10 PM
The guy in the coonskin cap is an entertaining movie character but that he's seriously, almost transendantly wierd. He's destined to spend his life as a solo act, so I wouldn't emulate him unless you want to also. The movie is a hoot though.

-Ray
That should help if you NEVER want to have another SORealMatureGuy
Sep 5, 2003 7:04 PM
Funny thing is, I don't think he even has a name. Turturo's character calls him "kid". The chick he hooks up with only says "You're like a damn dog".

He lived in a trailer without a back side - was it half of a doublewide ?

I went to college in a little hill town in Arkansas, near a lake. Funny thing is, I knew people like him. Maybe, I even was someone like him. Just basic needs, baby.
re: Just broke up with my girlfriend of FIVE years.....RealMatureGuy
Sep 5, 2003 5:42 PM
Honestly, rubendc19, I think you should ignore what that a** MrWonderfull says. I feel I should pass along some of the best advice I ever received, on the eve of my divorce from my first, lovely, lovely wife.

My boss called me in and told me, " the first divorce is always the toughest." That really helped. I felt the warmth. Kind of the same with a 5-year relationship.

They also said: "We suggest you throw yourself into your work." That guy was a true prince.
"SWINGERS"...the movie...enough said"nm"CARBON110
Sep 5, 2003 5:44 PM
Luckilyrubendc19
Sep 5, 2003 7:46 PM
Hey Luckily I have the NYC bike tour coming up on Sunday, that should keep my mind off things
Thats why I ride bikes so much nowEric F
Sep 7, 2003 8:23 PM
My ex never wanted to do anything but sit around and be lazy but now that I am through with that I have found much more time for bike riding
Lance?? is that you buddy?...SeanKellys-reincarnate
Sep 8, 2003 3:44 PM
well howa bout this..
try taking on more then just one race per season. Go for the triple crown of cycling like the pro's of old..start practicing with this years worlds.. us NorthAmerican fans would kill to see you ride!~

accept responsibility..and give credit where credit is due..

brake pads rubbing.. dehydrated.. ???? etc etc!

please!!

and ahhhh, ya,
she'll be a distant memory within a year.. promise!

hope this helps