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Alcoholism and a Road Bike To Help(58 posts)

Alcoholism and a Road Bike To HelpNitsche
May 20, 2003 6:10 AM
In November of last year, I started to discover that the woman I had fallen in love with might be an alcoholic. It would be a couple more months before I would confirm this reality. In January, my worst fears were confirmed. I was making dinner for her at my apartment. She called me at 6:00 to let me know she was getting off work. It normally took her 35-40 minutes to commute by car to my apartment. At 7:00 there was no sign of her. I was starting to worry. I called her cell phone. No answer from her. At 7:30 she finally showed up at my apartment, very drunk. Within ten minutes of starting dinner, she was throwing up and dry heaving in my bathroom. Through out the next month and a half, there were more incidents of her alcoholic ways. It was affecting my life as well. I confronted her many times about her drinking. I finally asked her why she felt the need to drink. One of the reasons she gave me was that she didn't believe in herself. I went through a similar stage in my life with food. I gained a lot of weight, and I took up road riding to lose the weight. I asked her if she would be interested in taking up riding. She said yes, so for the next three weeks we searched for the perfect 105 equipped bike for her. On March 13, I stopped in the shop for whom I used to race for. I told the owner why I was wanting to get the bike, and he said he thought it was a good idea and worth a try. I wound up putting a FELT NITSCHE F65 road bike on layaway. I was anxious to call her and tell her about it, but I got no answer. It was about two in the afternoon. It went straight to her cell phones voice mail. I reached her after 4:00, and she was excited. I asked her to come and take a look at it, as well as be fitted. I went to pick her up. When I got to her, she was drunk. I didn't say anything, but I was very embarrassed when she got to the store. The manager asked her to take a test ride on it, which surprised me since she stunk of hard liquor. I rode along side her, and she could barely stay up on it. She decided she did want it. We picked it up a couple of days later. We started riding together, but it wasn't helping the drinking at all. She was still coming home each night heavily under the influence. Something else began to happen though, as well. About a week before I got the bike and thereafter, she started getting a lot of phone calls that she wasn't taking. She said she didn't recognize the number. I became more suspicious. I decided to plant some spyware on the computer at our new apartment that we moved into together in February. What I found was e mail from about 10 different guys. She was telling them that she loved them and wanted to be with them. The real kicker came when I read one from some guy we'll call Al. On March 13, the day while I was putting the bike on layaway, Al came over to our new apartment to "take care" of my Amy. That is why she wasn't answering her cell phone. I was hurt by all of this. You try to get someone to believe in themselves, and offer your passion to them in order to help their lives out, and this was the return I got.
Get out now. There is no hope for redemption. (nm)onespeed
May 20, 2003 6:35 AM
Also. if I were you I would get tested for HIV. (nm)onespeed
May 20, 2003 9:01 AM
Also. if I were you I would get tested for HIV. (nm)Nitsche
May 20, 2003 9:26 AM
This has come up many times among my friends. They have all said the same thing. It is scarry that you think you know someone so well, and then the demons start to come out.
You either have to start drinking or have to walk..MR_GRUMPY
May 20, 2003 6:46 AM
In life, sometimes bad things happen................
Dump her & find another woman her size to ride the bike...nmTower
May 20, 2003 6:50 AM
re: Alcoholism and a Road Bike To HelpThe Human G-Nome
May 20, 2003 7:08 AM
that's a horrible story. if you were willing to buy her a bike, it was obviously someone you had a lot of feelings for. IMO, this is more then alcoholism, however. she needs AA AND a shrink. showing so little respect for other people is indicative of how little she cares about herself. in this case the old "it's not you, it's me" cliche is completely true. it IS her and you both know it. a pitty the next guy that has to put up with her.
Alcoholism can be conquered, infidelity cannotms
May 20, 2003 7:09 AM
Having come from a family with a history of alcoholism and having married into one with a similar history, I have had close contact with a few alcoholics. Alcoholism is a disease than takes its toll not only on the person who has it, but those around him or her. Alcoholism can be conquered or controlled, but it is not easy and only can happen if the alcoholic really wants to do so and has a support network. Most of the time the alcoholic will take the bottle over everything else, including his or her loved ones. If your girlfriend really was serious about giving up alcohol, I would urge you to be supportive. But, sadly, I think that she falls into the group of people who are unwilling or not ready to give it up. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to get out of the relationship now. The longer that you wait the harder it will be. You can rationalize your decision (although I do not think that you need to rationalize it) with this thought: the only way that most alcoholics change is if something drastic happens in their lives (i.e., end of a relationship, loss of a job, etc.) Maybe your exit will be her wake up call (but, probably not).

BTW: I think that the bike was a good idea. It appears that President Bush conquered his alcoholism with exercise (and an ultimatum from Laura Bush). My wife has remarked that my riding buddies are the only group of adult men that she knows who don't go out for a drink (or two or three) after doing something together (no "nineteenth hole" for us). I definitely think that there is a link between a exercise and a lessened desire for alcohol (not that I have become a teetotaller).

Finally, I can tolerate many things, but infidelty and lack of loyalty are things that I cannot. Infidelity, unlike alcoholism, cannot be cured. Get rid of her, now.
If you can ride through this, your relationship will be strongerkcd
May 20, 2003 7:17 AM
You love her right? Then, hang in there as long as you can.
This is some crazy advice...eschelon
May 20, 2003 8:40 AM
Forget about her alcoholism thing...that's a done deal thing and no one but herself is going to help her out of that hole...you can't save people...people have to save themselves. With all of the diseases going around...forget about Aids...I'm talking about them critters that stay with you and annoy the hell out of you for the rest of your life...like genital worts, ghonorhea (sp?), etc. Personally, I don't understand how anyone can forgive someone for infidelity of the sexual kind...jesus christ, how can anyone with the full knowlege that some other dude rubbed and prodded his member into your gal's orifices a few short days ago proceed to ever have sex with her...much less ever trust her? Ditch the B*tch.
She is ditched!Nitsche
May 20, 2003 9:31 AM
This is the wrong forum; Ann Landers is your speedkcd
May 20, 2003 1:57 PM
No, YOU are the crazy one and watch the profanitykcd
May 20, 2003 1:54 PM
NO! get out before it's TOO late.c722061
May 20, 2003 9:43 AM
Where is your heart?!!kcd
May 20, 2003 2:00 PM
Cheap lessonfiltersweep
May 20, 2003 7:21 AM
I'm not sure if you are asking a question in this, but you are fortunate things did not progress even further (marriage, kies, etc.). I don't want to over-generalize, but having active CD issues and being truthful do not go hand in hand.

No offense, but you ignored a bunch of red flags early on- and you probably need to acknowledge what YOU received from the relationship- which was likely a need to take care of someone weaker than you, be less messed up than someone else (to feel better about yourself, etc...). I may be wrong, but if the shoe fits? Otherwise, you are doomed to seek out similar "lost souls" as you whither away.

Your "passion" may be cycling, but you can't expect her to be equally passionate about it.

I hope you are not still with her. Run as fast as you can and avoid all contact with her (she will probably have a bunch of desperate stalking type behaviors). Once she has effectively lied to the degree she has (re: AL) it only gets easier to lie. You will always question her truthfulness. It will be torture. Move on. Your only regret will be that you didn't do it earlier.
re: Alcoholism and a Road Bike To HelpCrankist
May 20, 2003 7:25 AM
There is real ugliness in your story. Though unattractive, your course is simple: tough it out with her or get out. If you choose the former, then Alanon for you is suggested. If you choose the latter, then I like Tower's playful suggestion.
As a sober alky myself, let me remind you that without recovery
she WILL get worse, so factor that in. And the bike gift, though thoughtful, never had a chance.
Mike
Good advice here.....Len J
May 20, 2003 8:47 AM
pay attention.

They say that we are "attracted to the familiar". What is it about her that is familiar to you?

-She will get worse if she doesn't get help.
-She won't get help unless she wants it.
-She won't want it unless the pain she is in is greater than the pain she fears in confronting her own behaviors.

Your situitation sucks! But you have the opportunity to use it to figure out your part, work on you. I hope you will take the opportunity to do this.

Alanon is a great place to start, invest in your self.

As Crankist says: "your course is simple: tough it out with her or get out."

I wish you well
Len
(Someone with way more experience with this disease that I want)
Alanongeeker
May 20, 2003 11:09 AM
Excellent advice. I also suggest some Alanon meetings, even if you get out. May help deal with the scars and give some insight into addiction situations.
carefull though ........Spirito
May 20, 2003 11:20 AM
ive met just as many fruit loops at meetings as i have in bars.

some peep's have a problem with alcohol and some people just have problems they arent directly adressing and skirt by it all by being meeting junkie's without looking deeper.

i have many who dont drink and their lives are no different for it - sober but still clueless.

dont get me started about born agains and fundamentalists who i group them with .....

all the answers about oneself are within us - most of us dont know where to look.

ciao
Fair comments all, but............Len J
May 20, 2003 12:34 PM
the key thing is to figure out and activly work on your own stuff.

I've attended many meetings where what you describe is true, I've also attended many meetings were the kind of behavior you describe is not tolerated and where genuine healing is not just possible but likely. My advice is, try several different groups until you find one that is supportive of your healing. Just like we are all different, so to are the meetings available.

While I agreee that, "all the answers about oneself are within us - most of us dont know where to look." each of us need different help to find the answers within ourselves. Some need just reading & thought, some group, some individual, some a military boot camp approach, some all of the above. The key is to find what works for the individual.

Sorry Spirito if I come across harsh, I just don't want to "throw the baby out with the bathwater" in the event that this person really wants help.

Len
im with you on all of it .....Spirito
May 20, 2003 12:52 PM
my post was just a cautionary note. ive seen good and bad and noted that its not a simple cure-all.

Len-J baby, nothing about you is harsh - your a fair man if ever i saw/read one.

peace

ciao
Mucho Gratias! nmLen J
May 20, 2003 2:56 PM
Alcoholism and Cheating? Tough comboFez
May 20, 2003 7:39 AM
If I was devil's advocate, I would say this one is a lost cause, even though you may love her.

If I was a hopeless optimist, I would say that if she is a good person but the alcoholism is to blame for all of this and her email guys. If she kicks the booze and honestly tells you she wants to be with you and only you, then maybe there is hope.

But more realistically, she just could have issues and is not a one man guy. The booze is just icing on top of all that.
Put more bluntly,Fez
May 20, 2003 7:43 AM
Is she a great person and the booze is making her do terrible stuff?

Or is she a person who is full of terrible deeds and a drunk on top of all that.

Even if its the first one, its still a tough road. Good luck.
InterventionContinental
May 20, 2003 7:52 AM
The only hope I see is intervention with her family and friends "ganging up" on her and emotionally forcing her to admit herself to a detox unit. They will have to be very tough people to pull it off. If no one has the love and committment to intervene, then she will have to reach bottom on her own, which for her sounds very, very low.
A moment of Clarity....Eject! Eject! Eject!CARBON110
May 20, 2003 8:20 AM
Thats crazy...and if you stay thats crazy too. Sorry you had to go through that but put an end to it. There is a thing called receprocity in relationships...once you have it you will never want to be without it...you dont have it with this one.
Hard Lessonpnitefly
May 20, 2003 8:32 AM
Unfortunately, you are learning a hard lesson in life. A lesson that is similar to one I learned years ago. Ask yourself two questions:

1. Why do I feel like I have to "fix" everyone and their problems?

2. Why do I choose partners that act like they need help or are victims of circumstance, yet don't seem to want to help themselves?

Do some searching within yourself if you are ready to. Until then you should probably move on. She'll just drag you down with her.
Drop Her Like A French Rifle!ElvisMerckx
May 20, 2003 8:34 AM
Life is too short to date messed-up women. Seriously, my first relationship was with the daughter of an alcoholic. I was head-over-heals crazy about her, but she cheated and I dumped her -- best decision of my life. She's spent the last 15 years addicted to alcohol, heroin, and abusive men. I spent the last 15 years dating a wide variety of wonderful girls & women and I eventually met my wife. I know this is a tough time for you and that love is a painful bond to break, but it can also be a joyous bond to create with the right woman. Bottomline: there are so many great females on the planet, why torture yourself?
"Like A French Rifle!"- ROFLMAODL Lawrence
May 20, 2003 9:53 AM
thanks for making my day
You can't help someone...Charlie Amerique
May 20, 2003 8:41 AM
...who doesn't want help.

She doesn't want help.. yet.

If you'd like to discuss this further, please e-mail me at

Charles_Pickens at sympatico dot ca
Call me Grumpy, but this sounds like a "story"MR_GRUMPY
May 20, 2003 8:51 AM
After looking at this story a little, I think that we are all wankers, who have been taken in by an interesting story.
If I'm wrong, I'll probably end up in Hell, but, I think not.
So???....Len J
May 20, 2003 9:07 AM
maybe it is all a made up story.

What if it isn't? The only thing I have seen from us "Wankers" (as you put it) is mostly compassion for someone who seems to be in pain. Doesn't seem like a bad thing to me. If it is a story, the worst is that some jerk has a good laugh and the rest of us realize how many caring people there are on the board. Not a bad trade in my book.

Len
Call me Grumpy, but this sounds like a "story"Hardtail
May 20, 2003 9:08 AM
Does kinda sound too "out there" to be true, eh Grumpy? Sometimes stuff is too strange to be "made up"

If its true man, you need to BAIL as quickly as possible dude. That B**** will RUIN your life. Take the bike you bought her and sell it and buy something for yourself (new cross bike maybe?) and find a chick who RIDES, she will already have her own bike so you wont need to be a SAP and spend money on her (chicks dont really like guys who spend lots of $$$ on them, they just take advantage of those guys)
and she'll probably be somebody who will love you and you can have FUN with.
Call me Grumpy, but this sounds like a "story"Nitsche
May 20, 2003 9:43 AM
No one has been taken in her. If you e mail me at campyfast1@hotmail.com, I will send you some details. This isn't something that I made up. It is something that I lived. I just felt like the bike was a good start of a solution, but there was never solution and this world was much darker than I imagined.
bugger her - then drop herwink
May 20, 2003 9:13 AM
There are plenty of other chicks out there!
Get her out of your life, don't look back...rwbadley
May 20, 2003 9:27 AM
Move on, move on, move on. She will drag you down with her. There are many decent potential partners out there that need a fine, caring person such as yourself.

Keep the bike, or sell it. But get rid of this relationship asap. Life IS too short to put up with this crap.

And no snivelling "but I love her" get over it, there are at least a thousand others in your area that you can love, given half a chance.
Just 2 words "GoodBye"tmotz
May 20, 2003 9:30 AM
Get on your bike and don't look back.
First time have yourself checked for S.T.D.'s.
Then go about your life.
Once you found out you'll always wonder if shes still cheating on you.
Amityville Horrorfracisco
May 20, 2003 9:32 AM
Geeeeettttttt Ouuuuuuutttttt!
More like alcoTROLLism !PseuZQ
May 20, 2003 9:39 AM
"Wahh wahh wahh!" This alkie doesn't buy it.

I've give it a 6. High marks for the "prurient interest" factor. Too much detail here: Model of Felt, name of guy, date bike put on layaway. Read Gavin deBecker for clues to spot liars.

PS -- Hey butthat, if your story is true, why'd you let a drunk chick ride a bike?

PPS -- Alkie or not, for putting spyware on her computer you deserve to be beaten about the head and shoulders.
More like alcoTROLLism !Nitsche
May 20, 2003 9:46 AM
It was my computer as well. Like I said, I will back this entire story up.
Great. Go to Al-Anon.PseuZQ
May 20, 2003 10:13 AM
Or, probably more appropriately, co-dependents anonymous.
Great. Go to Al-Anon.Nitsche
May 20, 2003 10:23 AM
I am not co-depndent. I dumped this chick after finding out about the e mails. Co-dependency would entail that I know you did this, but I need you to live my life... I was just making a point to anyone who thinks that it is a good idea to share a healthy passion with someone who lives an unhealthy lifestyle, that it won't work.
I glad that I'm not the only cynic out here........nmMR_GRUMPY
May 20, 2003 10:32 AM
Mea Culpa.PseuZQ
May 21, 2003 8:24 AM
Upon forther review and consideration, I've realized that it was most uncool of me to respond this way. Apologies to the OP and anyone else I may have offended.
Sorry to say...jose_Tex_mex
May 20, 2003 9:40 AM
... with all due respect Nitsche, you sound like a good person. However, if you do not already realize that you need to break up than I am not sure what other advice to give.

True, writing up a post is great therapy. However, you really need to do the best thing here for yourself - mind and body and break up.

Take it from an outside source - end it now.

Best of Luck.
You're going improve 100% this seasonpitt83
May 20, 2003 9:50 AM
With all your anger, hurt and free time and need for thinking time, your riding will be so improved! I don't want to race against you!
You're going improve 100% this seasonNitsche
May 20, 2003 10:12 AM
Well, not entirely the case. Someone earlier stated that the alcoholic also effects the lives of those around her, and this was entirely the case. As this winter progressed, my sleep and eating habbits changed. I put on about 15 extra pounds this winter, and I am having problems getting it off. It takes a toll on you. I did seek counseling and alanon meetings for family and friends. You can't imagine the toll it does take on you.
You're going improve 100% this seasonHardtail
May 20, 2003 10:26 AM
15 pounds is nothin' Bro' you'll drop that in a month. Go out and train your butt off and you WILL be faster AND feel better. Dont worry about a chick for a little while then one day you'll be on a ride and the girl 'o your dreams will be on the same ride then you can ride off into the sunset together.
You do seem like a cool guy, don't waste your life on a chick like that, IF she wanted to get better she would be trying at least. Trust me, I used to be a borderline alky (drank a 12 pack every night after work) then one day I decided I didnt like feeling like that anymore and I quit all by myself. Not that anybody can do that by themselves ( I know its hard) but if they want to quit they WILL seek the help.
"Ride hard grasshopper, channel the hurt/anger onto the pedals."
We all have our dark timespitt83
May 20, 2003 11:02 AM
It may seem crazy, but I hope this is your worst. Things are often worse for others. In my life, I've had my scrapes with emotional downs and tough times. It's interesting; the stigma placed on "professional" help (they call them shrinks). Alcohol, drugs and destructive behaviour are often attempts to mask emotional pain. I tried all 4 of these at times; I've come to realize that "It's on me". Yes, you go through the stages of grief and yes, they are different in severity and length.

BUT; you'll make it. Use your cycling to channel out the emotions and hurt. It's fun; you're in control and you understand it. Channeling energy into something good helps me.

Glad you're exploring Alanon. I never have dealt with this forum. Counselling was an interesting experience, but I didn't stick it out once I felt like I didn't want to be there (the issue was over).

Best of luck and tailwinds!
you need to flip the handlebars up.....desmo
May 20, 2003 10:33 AM
that's the way all the winos I know like to ride.
you lookin' fer a fight bro????Spirito
May 20, 2003 11:11 AM
flippin' bars just comes naturally - im glad you told me why i like 'em that way. i guess by chopping them im a recovering alco ......

all this time i was kidding myself by using the excuse that i couldnt find the right color blue brake hoods ... so i arranged to go without 'em. what a fool i am ;-)

(hic) ciao
you lookin' fer a fight bro????Hardtail
May 20, 2003 11:25 AM
That thing is NICE
you are drunk...desmo
May 20, 2003 12:29 PM
why chop 'em off like that? that's not the wino-bend. if you want to play chicken I'll bust out my Varsity with true flip-up ram horns (complete with unraveling clear green cello tape). yoosh dun know me, glug glug.
;-) - tip for your clear green cello ......Spirito
May 20, 2003 1:01 PM
scorch that baby with a naked flame. a lighter works better than matches as its easier to control. not too much or it will burn and remain slightly yellowed but just enough so that one layer emlds/melts with the layer beneath. i did it at the ends so it doesnt start and then slightly through the rest of the bars so that it stays put.

oh and stretch that stuff tight before flaming it as it wont hold if it aint taught.

it works - and your cello will remain long after the rest of the bike is rusted and fallen apart.

oh, ...... good to hear your proud of the varsity - no-one else is ;-)

ciao
;-) - tip for your clear green cello ......desmo
May 20, 2003 2:55 PM
nah, that's too sano. besides one of the docs at the e-room gave me some white cloth adhesive last time I was down there. that patched 'er up real nice. wiped out on my way home from the dew drop. can't remember what happened but the EMS said I was going to fight if the Varsity did not get to ride along in the meat wagon. anyway it ended up in the waiting room, me and the bar tape patched. and just sober enough to pedal home. damn if it had been one hour later I could have stopped for a morning beer at Cody's with the graveyard shift getting off at the pulp mill.
Beautiful! (nm)irregardless
May 20, 2003 5:07 PM
..
That would look great with a bottle of grappa! nmStampertje
May 21, 2003 1:38 AM