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If I were King...(16 posts)

If I were King...Fixie-ated
Mar 6, 2003 5:14 AM
My wife knows that she is about to hear me go off on some weird (at least to her) rant when I start a conversation with those four words.

I was wondering how the country (or world) would be different if we, the cycle enthusiasts, were in charge.

For starters

*All businesses would have showers available

*There would be primary road ways just for alternative modes of transportation. Not those gutter lanes, I mean bike lanes, but real roads.

*HUGE tax cuts, state and federal, for the obvious benefits for those who used those alternative road ways.

*All states would have the option for Southern California type weather (hey, I'm the King, so I will find a way)

*One day a week, we cyclists get total access of the Interstate system. These would be cool places for time trial training.

Any other ideas? Remember, you're the King, so the sky is the limit.
Texas would have mountains like the Alps...nmDave Hickey
Mar 6, 2003 5:21 AM
Then it would be California :-) nmDougSloan
Mar 6, 2003 7:07 AM
We'll just have to keep riding at VanderpoolTig
Mar 6, 2003 7:30 AM
I'll stay in Texas.
I'de wear a cool crown like in the margirine commercial(nm)PEDDLEFOOT
Mar 6, 2003 6:02 AM
re: Gasoline would be rationeddzrider
Mar 6, 2003 6:07 AM
I could sell what I don't use to people who drive lots in big cars.

There would be big parking lots near highway exits and no cars allowed on secondary roads just bikes, buses, street sweepers, ambulances and slow moving delivery vehicles.

McMansions would be used for multi-family houses.

I would destroy the houses of worship and confiscate the wealth of all religions that believe that "ain't nobody going to heaven but us".
re: The White Trash King...teoteoteo
Mar 6, 2003 6:21 AM
I'd embrace my white Trash Heritage and truly be a "King of the People"

--Cycling Bibs must be worn with no jersey or shirt whatsover

--I'd encourage cut-offs and tube tops as technical wear
--Ferrets would run free all over the palace
--T-Tops would be standard equipment on all Camaro's
--Primer gray would become a PPG Color
--Posi-Trac would come to bicycles
--Tax incentives to all mobile homes with bed sheets for curtains

--Bob Roll would be my top advisor
--USCF would allow cut-off sleeves
--Girls Gone Wild would come out in a box set "Best Of" Edition" for ONE LOW PRICE

--Sectional Sofa's would have phones AND coolers built in--Oh yeah, they already do.....

--My water bottle cages and Jersey pockets would be specially modified to carry White Castle or Krystal hamburger boxes

--Hostile Chow mixes dogs would guard the ferrets and the palace.

--All citizens arrested on TV Show Cops would be allowed to have the cigarette they always request.

Okay now, enough fun. I do commute and feel lucky that when the poor lifeless souls in their Canyonero SUV's (Simpson's reference) look at me I get a smile knowing that deep down they are jealous.
Automobile emissionsCrankist
Mar 6, 2003 6:26 AM
and flatulance would trail rainbows and contain at least 70% Unicorn breath.
I would ride a Derosa all would ride Pinni Princes...Frith
Mar 6, 2003 6:36 AM
and record 10 for all the land...except me of course...I as king would ride record 11.
as for cars psshhhhh unless they are foot powered flintstone-mobiles....OUTLAWED!
200+ pounds would be a Gazelle (nm)Uprwstsdr
Mar 6, 2003 7:01 AM
CC girl in all catalogs? it's good to be the king! nmJS Haiku Shop
Mar 6, 2003 7:08 AM
CC girl in all catalogs? it's good to be the king! nmt-bill
Mar 6, 2003 10:30 AM
CC girl as riding companion/house maiden for every man!

24 hour cycle racing channel on my 7' plasma screen (with 7 channel surround sound, of course)

Cycle Sport and Pro Cycling mags would show up in every mailbox in a timely fashion

Sunday dinner with Phil, Lance, Eddy, JaJa, Mig, etc... and the wine and stories would be endless
No car would ever come within 200 feet of a cyclist nmcyclinseth
Mar 6, 2003 11:15 AM
except to motorpace, and of course the team car :) nmJS Haiku Shop
Mar 6, 2003 11:20 AM
If I were Evil Genius...PseuZQ
Mar 6, 2003 12:13 PM
-Water bottles would have a Spider Man-like web-shooting apparatus that could be used to pull one up difficult hills.

--Cyclometers would have an "activate forcefield bubble" function.

-Cars would be made of Flubber (Wait...that's if I were Fred MacMurray)
I'd be inclined to say...Ahimsa
Mar 6, 2003 7:15 PM
That I'd eliminate the car in favor of bikes being the primary means of transport for all people, but that's a catch 22...

...then you'd have all manner of new problems:

-"Bike jackers"

-suburban soccer mom types weaving all over the road while trying to ride and talk on a cell phone AND adjust their hair in a Take-A-Look mirror all at the same time.

-Huge, freaky, custom job lowrider pimp-mobile bikes with giant pounding speakers ridden by doughy nuevo white trash suburban nintendo champions with a penchant for "the thug life".

-Recumbents. Everywhere you look, recumbents. -shiver-

-Three words: "Bike traffic jam".

Nah, I think there has to be a better way. I'll just use my kingly influence and money to fund the most massive bioweapons research in the history of mankind. The goal? Invent a virus that targets only the stupid and the beligerent.



A. (Thank gawd there's no "Hypocrite Virus".)