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The Cycling Food Chain...(1 post)

The Cycling Food Chain...seyboro
Feb 22, 2003 10:07 AM
I got this in an email this morning and thought you might like to read it as well...

To be sure whom and how to snub properly, here's the Modified Comprehensive Cycling Food Chain:

-Pro Roadies
-Pro Roadies, again
-Club riders with Fancy Road Bikes
-Club riders with Normal Road Bikes
-Club riders with Aerobars
-The Rest of the World

Now, you must adjust your position based on the following Unspoken Rules:

1. If your bike is Italian, you may move up one notch. If your bike is British, and you are a tourist, you may move up one notch; otherwise, you must move down two notches. 2. If your bike is aero, and you are a triathlete, you may move up one notch.
3. Move up a notch this year only if you have nine-speed. Move down a notch for each cog short of eight (nine starting next year).
4. Move down a notch if you have a triple up front, unless your are a tourist. If you are tourist and have only two chainrings, then move down to the Tourists--Weekend Century Rider rank even if you have panniers.
5. The Uniqueness Limit allows only two bikes of the same make and model in any one group. If the limit is exceeded, then all riders of the offending make and model must move down a notch for each excess bike.
6. If you have visible scars, you may move up two notches, unless you are a mountain biker. If you are a mountain biker and have no visible scars, you must move down one notch. If you have scars in an area that is not displayable in public, and you can persuade a member of the
opposite sex to admire it, then you can move up two notches, but not in combination with below.
7. If you ride a team jersey for any team you have never joined, then you must move down two notches. If your jerseys are tattered from use, then you may move up a notch.
8. If you are a roadie, and wear sleeveless jerseys, then move down a notch.
10. Drop a notch if your jersey advertises a brand better than yours.
11. Drop four notches if you are wearing a T-shirt.
12. If you do not shave your legs, move down three notches.
13. If you ride Campagnolo, move up a notch, unless it's Record, in which case move up two notches.
14. If you ride Shimano, move down a notch, unless it's Dura Ace, which is neutral.
15. If your bike is titanium, move up two notches. If it is high-end carbon, move up one notch. If it is aluminum, move down a notch.
16. If you ride tubulars, move up a notch.
17. If you ride with toe clips, then move to the bottom of the list.
18. Move down four notches if you use the phrase "I'm a triathlete" in any group ride.