|A little late-night humor||mindhole|
Jan 31, 2003 10:54 PM
|My boyfriend's in Arizona doing a road race on his birthday, so I wrote this fake news story as part of his birthday card:
Mesa, AZ-- Race officials and local police are ejecting a Colorado bicycle racer from their state after he won the Race Who's Name I Don't Know by a humiliating margin and left dismembered competitors littering the race course.
"Hey, I was just riding along," protested Zack Vestal, of Nederland, Colo. "How was I to know they couldn't keep themselves together?"
Numerous pairs of legs were found strewn along the roads, some flung up into trees, others having glanced off startled spectators as Vestal plowed through the peloton at breakneck speed. In a scene that played out with Matrix-like slo-mo, Vestal's churning thighs catapulted other riders out of the pack, separating them from their lower limbs with shocking precision.
"I don't know what hit me, man," said Imabig Lieuser, Belgian neo-pro for the Dieufuss team. "It felt like Hurricane Andrew." Lieuser's left leg ricochet-ed off a hay bale and ended up under a Cadillac while his right impaled itself on a nearby Saguaro cactus.
"This is truly an embarrassment to Arizona racing, and I want that guy out of town right now," said Sweaty Bulbous, organizer of Race Who's Name I Don't Know. "What kind of message does this send to our juniors?"
Vestal eluded Mesa police long past the finish line -- even when they pulled their motorcycles in front of him -- because he thought he'd won some free motorpacing. Upon his eventual capture, which resulted in two blown motorcycle engines, Vestal denied any wrongdoing. He stated that he'd just been riding the race for fun on his "birthday."
Suspecting that "birthday" was slang for a new performance-enhancing, leg-ripping drug, officials from the UCI abandoned their campsite on Lance Armstrong's doorstep and descended upon Mesa as well. "Yeah, this guy's obviously on something," said Agent Smith, lead investigator for the UCI's drug team. "There's no way that many legs could come off in that short a time without some kind of help."
"I'm totally clean!" asserted Vestal at this afternoon's questioning session. "Just because I'm the only guy with his getaway sticks still attached doesn't mean I'm a junkie."
UCI and Mesa officials insist that the investigation will continue tomorrow after all the missing legs are reunited with their respective owners. Meanwhile, all other road races in Arizona are on the brink of cancellation until promoters are sure that Vestal will be removed from the state.
|LOL. . .abandoned their campsite on Lance Armstrong's doorstep, hilarious :-) (nm)||js5280|
Feb 1, 2003 10:11 AM