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You guys are gonna LOVE this one!(22 posts)

You guys are gonna LOVE this one!El Guapo
Dec 10, 2002 7:10 PM

Please, feel free to FLAME this writer all you want. I can't believe that the Austin American Statesman can't even cover Lance winning the SI Sportsman of the Year award, but they will print this S&*$ about cycling not being a sport! The picture of the writer is hilarious. Picture, if you will, John Daly and a Yeti genetic combo.
For the most part, this guy isn't even worth responding to...Bonked
Dec 10, 2002 7:33 PM
his jokes aren't even remotely funny. But I do find it funny that to be classified as a sport, he finds that the activity in question needs beer drinking fans, cheerleaders, and marching bands. How obtuse to you have to be to base your definition of a sport on what the fans are doing and what associated activites are involved? Give me a break!

PS - obviously he's never heard of a six day.
I am sorry but...Dutchy
Dec 10, 2002 8:35 PM
I couldn't stop myself from e-mailing this guy and telling him what I thought of his opinions. There is no way he could mistake what I wrote, for anything else than my IRRATE opinion.

I hate people like this.


My "Dear John" letterdeHonc
Dec 10, 2002 9:06 PM

I live in Australia but saw your article regarding LA and cycling. I trust this piece of "journalism" was intended to be tongue in cheek - but if not, your total lack of knowledge regarding the great endurance sport of cycling is staggering to say the least.

Cyclists don't shave their legs for wind resistance - even non riding friends of mine know the real reason - I'm not going to give it to you (the real reason) because you are a complete idiot.

Perhaps in future you might put your brain into gear before opening your mouth, mate.

PS - Permit me to explain to you why we Aussies call Yanks such as yourself "Sepos". Its actually rhyming slang for "Septic Tank - Yank". BTW, Septic tanks are full of shit.
Unfortunately it's probably not tounge in cheeklaffeaux
Dec 10, 2002 10:33 PM
Maybe it is. I hope so.

If Americans ever wonder why we have a bad name abroad. Well, this guy is the answer. What a redneck.
Yeah, but I love ya!deHonc
Dec 10, 2002 10:42 PM
That might be so - but I just wanted to assure you that I don't dislike Americans - quite the contrary - just tools like this guy!
i can't waitWoof the dog
Dec 11, 2002 2:12 AM
till he signs you guys up for some pretty good junk mail. Hee hee hee.

He clearly sounds like he wants to piss people off.


Phuck everybody
Woof the dog.
re: You guys are gonna LOVE this one!Spunout
Dec 11, 2002 4:58 AM
Updated Link:

I generally like Americans, but there are a few freaks in every crowd.

Does he feel that he voices the opinion of his community? Is this the way everybody in Austin is? I'd shudder to think!

So, points of view such as this generally taint my opinion of American Culture (but not Americans in general). Here in Canada, being a Redneck is a social disease (like rampant Chlamydia) and not celebrated like our friend from Texas.
re: You guys are gonna LOVE this one!El Guapo
Dec 11, 2002 6:10 AM
I don't want anybody to have a negative view about Austin. It's actually a great town for cycling. Many of the roads here have 10-15 foot wide shoulders (Hwy. 360, Parmer Lane, Hwy.1431, Hwy.2222, Hwy.620) that are ideal for mile after mile of uninterupted cycling. The only real problem, other than the few people like the author of the article, is the overabundance of SuperSUV's. I'm not talking Tahoes and Explorers. I'm talking about Hummers, H2's and Expeditions. Not only are they large, but quite a few people here who own them typically "jack" them up to make them even bigger. Funny thing is: I don't ever recall a one of them having anything more than road grime on them.
Lighten up, guys.OldEdScott
Dec 11, 2002 5:32 AM
It's just a newspaper column, and the guy's just trying to be funny. I happen to think he failed, just because he didn't do it very skillfully, but it's not like poking fun at cyclist is evil or anything.
I don't think he was trying to be funny. nmSpunout
Dec 11, 2002 5:49 AM
a short responseCrankist
Dec 11, 2002 6:08 AM
re:12/10/02 column
Hi John. You're a moron.
Best Wishes for a Speedy Recovery,
This guy is not trying to be funny...mlester
Dec 11, 2002 7:00 AM
He is an uneducated, uninformed, shallow, tunnel-visioned pr!ck. And he clearly made a point of antagonizing cyclist's who write him after reading his column, so to reply would be a complete waste of time and only serve to make him feel like his opinion is valid.

Maybe cory can explain ... nmOldEdScott
Dec 11, 2002 7:30 AM
I just e-mailed Kelso with a challenge...take him for a ridecory
Dec 11, 2002 9:19 AM
WHY he wrote the column is easy--he's looking at a blank computer screen and his boss wants to see mail. I've done many a column for no better reasons than that. You can always piss off SOMEBODY, and there are plenty of self-important believers (in any subject you name) who will write letters about how "appalled" they are (they're ALWAYS appalled, though "disappointed" is gaining favor because it implies they really hoped you'd do better, but you failed). From here, it looks like it worked...
I just e-mailed Kelso, though, and told him that as a columnist, I congratulated him for finding something readers would respond to, but as a cyclist I had to say he doesn't know what he's talking about. I told him I'd try to get some Texas cyclists to take him for a brisk 50-mile ride, just a little pre-work warmup, and then he could write about THAT, and he's a wuss if he doesn't go. Somebody give the guy a call.
re: You guys are gonna LOVE this one!moo2
Dec 11, 2002 7:28 AM
John Kelso's humor column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 445-3606 or

Anyone up for some long distance phone calls?
aww, don't be so prickly. I got a couple of laughs out of thebill
Dec 11, 2002 7:36 AM
piece. And, let's not kid ourselves -- that's about what most citizens think of our sport. Hell, that's what MY WIFE thinks of our sport, particularly after I shaved my legs.
This is the transcript of an actual conversation:
"So, kids, are we gonna tell Grandma that Daddy shaved his legs?"
"I don't care."
"And I'll tell everyone at my school, too, including my teacher!!!"
(Kids, together): "Yeaahhhhhh!!!!!"
(Wife, concerned): "DON'T. There's no need for that."
My own wifey, ashamed.
A message from the fact check dept.53T
Dec 11, 2002 11:06 AM
kelso's columnemptyhanded
Dec 11, 2002 12:26 PM
Sadly, he is trying to be funny. Kelso writes a "humor" (in the broadest sense of the word) column for the Austin-American Statesman. Sort of like Texas's version of Dave Barry, only without the funny parts.

He's been beating that "guy's guy" dead horse for a long time now. All his columns come from the pose of a power tool loving, beer swilling, South Austin, barbeque eating, real-men-don't-eat-quiche viewpoint. (Note: this is not the stance of most South Austinites)

Last year he wrote a similar column regarding cycling in Austin. Actually, he probably just changed a few sentences from that one and re-submitted it to his editor. He was also invited on a bike ride with a local group. There was even a photo of him packed into cycling shorts.

Austin is a great place for cycling. I could ride from my front door on a 50+ mile ride, spending almost no time on roads without a wide, nicely paved shoulder. Of course, there are occasional incidents with SUVs. (where aren't there?) And this time of year, you can run into most of the postal team on a training ride, or having dinner at one of the better restaurants.
A message from the fact check dept.El Guapo
Dec 11, 2002 1:05 PM
My bad! I hope they let Lance do a column on how Kelso isn't a REAL "columnist."
El G.
author intended as a jokeDuane Gran
Dec 11, 2002 1:00 PM
I sent a polite email to the author (and set him straight on a few matters) and he confirmed with me that it was satire. I encouraged him to also write a sports article with some degree of praise for the accomplishment of Lance Armstrong, so who knows?
lighten up FrancisDougSloan
Dec 11, 2002 1:49 PM
Seems fairly innocuous to me. Doesn't suggest running us over, which is an improvement. I can take the ribbing, and I'd bet Lance can, too.