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Liberty Uncovers Houston Crooks & Anti Cycling Conspiracy(11 posts)

Liberty Uncovers Houston Crooks & Anti Cycling ConspiracyAllisonHayes
Jun 7, 2002 4:51 PM
Allison Hayes, Special Report, The Village Idiot, p.000A, June 7, 2002

Last week Liberty uncovered a major crime syndicate operating in the Woodlands. Wendy Crooks had been hiding out as a columnist for the Village Idiot.

Since having ripped all the Enron employees off, the Crooks moved to The Woodlands to harass cyclists. And of top of it they have entered their three children into the Anti-Cyclist Military Academy. In addition, they have been seen passing out anti-cycling leaflets to other families on the bicycle paths, as well.

Unfortunately, the Crooks are convincing the sheltered Woodlands families that serious cyclists are their mortal enemy. They cannot understand why serious cyclists don't use the parks and pathways, like everyone else. After all, where do you think all that Enron money went? For bicycle paths? (Actually, Liberty uncovered documents that indicated that 99% of the money went to the Crooks; a token 1% went to building bicycle paths.)

The truth of the matter is that the Crooks are at the heart of the energy conspiracy and are trying to blame it all on cyclists. "If it weren't for these serious cyclist, we wouldn't have an energy crisis and all you Houston people would still be filthy rich," Bill Crooks was overheard saying to President Bush.

"We all pay so much money for energy these days and it amazes me to see so many serious cyclists getting away scott free," stated Wendy. "Oh they think we aren't on to them. These cyclists think that they can go faster just because everyone else is out of gas. We can't let these kind flaunt the American Dream in our faces. Do you think I am going to ride a bike to get my Krispy Kremes each morning? No way, Jose"

"This morning I saw another one of them cycling. I was so mad I relieved myself on him. I guess he's just smart enough to realize he is safer riding somewhere else," gloated Wendy while eating her fourth glazed donut. "It is not just the fact that these cyclists don't pay taxes that bothers me. What really bothers me is that they use more than their share of oxygen. The Crooks clan has been trying to figure out how to tax oxygen and are pretty close to having a bill introduced in Congress this fall."

"If they paid taxes and guzzled gas like the rest of us, perhaps this might be a different story. Beside, they hang around in packs. They are a dangerous bunch of outlaws. Next, almost without fail, they'll be kidnapping our children," she continued. "Lately, I have noticed more and more of them on the roads too." "What's next?" signed Wendy.

Well, today we all saw what was next. On the way home from the military academy, the Crooks were arrested for embezzlement and malicious slander, thanks to quick work by our wonder hero and defender of cycling rights everywhere, Ms. Liberty. They posted a $20 million bond and have since disappeared. The FAA issued a report that they had tracked a private jet from Houston to Columbia about the same time the Crooks were last seen. The FBI and CIA are now investigating the matter.
Allison, as usual,weiwentg
Jun 7, 2002 5:28 PM
you made my day.
Do you think the paper will publish a retraction?AllisonHayes
Jun 7, 2002 5:43 PM
Saying it was all "tongue in cheek?"

We can have our own "tongue in cheek" articles too, right?

Allison (hey, glad to have made your day.) :)
seriously? yes, but...weiwentg
Jun 7, 2002 7:24 PM
cyclists around the country will have to all but declare nuclear war first.
If this is your imagination, your dreams must be incredible! :o) nmspyderman
Jun 7, 2002 5:46 PM
Hey, are you saying this is not real?AllisonHayes
Jun 7, 2002 5:56 PM
Well, ok, maybe I took a little journalistic license in mentioning President Bush.

A. (What got me going was Crooks and Houston: put 2 & 2 together, called Liberty & she uncovered the conspiracy. Just good fundamental detective work. Do you think the Crooks will be upset?) :)
re: Liberty Uncovers Houston Crooks & Anti Cycling ConspiracySummerNights
Jun 7, 2002 6:41 PM
Don't you know that Envy is one of the seven deadly sins? If these articles did not have some truth in them, you wouldn't get so mad.

- Its better to let people think you are an idiot, than open your mouth and prove it.
This has lazywriter written all over it.AllisonHayes
Jun 7, 2002 6:53 PM
Hey, Lazy, here's a joke for you (litespade owner):

weiwentg "A Colnago rider, a Trek rider and a Litespeedrider were all" 6/4/02 6:45pm
This has lazywriter written all over it.SummerNights
Jun 7, 2002 6:58 PM
Nope, just a life.
i think you're guilty of one of themnamir in SoCal
Jun 7, 2002 7:57 PM
i think your last comment may be oddly ironic considering your posts.
i think you're guilty of one of themSummerNights
Jun 7, 2002 8:06 PM
Huh?