|Do bikes & religion mix?||Slipstream|
Apr 22, 2002 4:49 PM
|There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike.
The other priest asked where his bike was. The other priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!" The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the ten commandments, and when you get to "Thou Shall Not Steal" someone will confes to the crime."
The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?," the one priest said.
The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultry, I seemed to remember where I had left it."
|How to get a new bike for Xmas||Slipstream|
Apr 22, 2002 4:51 PM
|Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Leroy.
Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours Truly, Leroy.
Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy.
Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door.
He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter: Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
|The best use of lubricant||Slipstream|
Apr 22, 2002 4:54 PM
A market researcher called at a house, and a young woman answered with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions, and when she agreed, he asked her, if she knew of his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline, and she certainly knew of that product.
He asked her if she used it, and her answer was, "Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product, and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge, or for some other purpose, but I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, and they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, would you mind telling me exactly how you use it?"
"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
|Spread the word||Slipstream|
Apr 22, 2002 4:55 PM
|A priest to Africa to "spread the good word."
He went deep into the jungle and found a tribe. In his enthusiasm, he had forgotten that he would have to teach people English before he could preach to them. So, he selected what he thought was the smartest of the tribesmen and began his teaching.
They went for long walks in the jungle. The priest would point to a rock and say "rock." And the native would say "bagwundame." The priest would repeat "rock," and the native would say "rock." Then priest would point and say "tree," and the native would say "tree," and so on, until the native had a minor understanding of English.
It was on one of these "nature walks" that the pair stumbled a young couple making love. Naturally, the priest was embarrassed. As he turned to leave, the tribesman asked, "What they do?"
The priest, flustered, said, "Uuuhhh, why, they're, uh, uh, mmm, fuc..., er, no they're scre..., er, mmmaking whoop..., cough, THEY RIDE BICYCLE!"
He thought, hey, this guy's never gonna see a bicycle anyway...so...
Instantly, the native whipped out a blowgun and shot both lovers dead on the spot with poison darts.
"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" screams the outraged cleric. "THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING ANY TWO PEOPLE CAN DO!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT??" he shouted. "WHY???"
"Because he ride MY bicycle," answered the native.
Apr 22, 2002 5:11 PM
|Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer smiles wryly and says, "Bicycles."