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Pace-line flatulency (or how to win(d)(22 posts)

Pace-line flatulency (or how to win(d)Paul
Feb 12, 2002 9:14 AM
This forum is too seriuos at times, so lets get a real-life topic going. One time while in a pace- line, I had this Air Force colonel behind me who had an answer for everything. He had a bad habit of drafting to within six inches of the rider in front of him.
Well, one time when he was on my wheel, I just let it rip. He accused me of trying to beat him unfairly, and said I was practicing Italian race tactics (he knows I'm part Italian). I told him it was an act of nature and nothing to do with ethnicity. And if he had been the correct distance behind me, he would have been safe.

So, what do you do if you have to pass wind while in a tight pace- line?
let 'er rip!merckx56
Feb 12, 2002 9:44 AM
I was about ten guys down the group on time and smelled what i thought to be a dead animal. no such luck! it was a very gassy member of the group. if it made it ten guys back, i feel sorry for the guy on his wheel!
as an aside, the other bad, bad thing is riding with euros!
can they not smell themselves?

if you gotta go, you gotta go!
let 'er rip!grzy
Feb 12, 2002 9:55 AM
Picked up on something after experiencing some century rides with the Team in Training crowd in attendance. Their coaches teach them to call out everything and they all mindlessly parrot all the calls. Being a bit of a wise-guy when they all start excessively calling "braking", "turning", etc. I'll call out "farting" just to see who will repeat it and who has a sense of humor.

What's worse is getting behind some guy soaked in patouli oil - you get no relief from that stuff.
Just got my horn tuned and...tempeteKerouak
Feb 12, 2002 9:53 AM
Man! isn't it time to drift back and enjoy instead of staying in the line and spoiling everyone?

So what does an old chamois taste like?

-Depends...(*)

(*): Depends is a brand nome for "adult nappies"
Oh, my!Miss Manners
Feb 12, 2002 9:58 AM
Whilst riding in a paceline, even in the open outdoors, one should conduct oneself as though they were indoors with company. To relieve flatulence in the company of others is against all protocol, including paceline etiquette. As with a nasal field blow, one should wait until they are well placed behind their fellow riders at the back before letting loose, um, breaking wind.

Riding six inches from the wheel ahead is quite acceptable, as long as both riders involved are well experienced in the art of drafting and group riding.
re: Pace-line flatulency (or how to win(d)Troyboy
Feb 12, 2002 10:06 AM
I agree. Let 'er rip. If you're movin' at all, it'll be gone in seconds. Worst thing I experience is riding with a guy who is someone who posted here a while back or is surely related. Someone posted here wearing his shorts without washing them for who knows how long. I think it was months. There are some in certain groups who must have one skinsuit and fear washing it as to not wear it out. Whew, truly, unbelievably disgusting. It's a great motivator to stay in front of the pack!
Use it to your advantage...Greg Taylor
Feb 12, 2002 10:31 AM
You can truly leave your buddies breathless by breaking wind as you launch an attack. Do it right and they will be breathless in the truest sense of the word.

I've often pondered what would happen if you light one off while wearing a full skinsuit? Inflate like the Michelin man? Do you blow your shoes off of your feet? Is it a good idea to install a check valve to equalize pressure? Just wondering...
The High Pressure SystemBender
Feb 12, 2002 12:11 PM
Here's the most diabolical premeditated race tactic known to man. The night before the big event, I like to 'garlic load' my digestive tract with whole colves baked in olive oil. The gut then goes to work producing the obnoxious biological weapon. The trick is keeping things corked up until the right moment (hence the name 'High Pressure System'). As mentioned above, by releasing the colorless cloud of disruption when launching your attack, your opponents will be so disgusted and shocked, they may give up pacelines alltogether. VERY IMPORTANT - don't hitch a ride to the event with the ones you're planning to gas, otherwise you'll be putting in some extra miles riding home.

And now on to the ignition! I'd highly reccommend not lighting any methane products while your're in a skinsuit. There is just not enough thermal protection. Reaching back to my collage days; I'd go with a sturdy pair of 501 Levis, they can handle the BTU's and the added fatigue cycles.

Cheers
Jet AssistedGreg Taylor
Feb 12, 2002 12:51 PM
I can personally vouch for the strength/flame retardency of Levis. We used to light "flamers" at summer camp when I was a Boy Scout. Very wholesome. Ahhh....those were simpler times....

One thought would be a skinsuit with a cut-out chamois. I'm visualising an asbestos lining, sort of in the shape of a doughnut. Hey, if they have cut-out saddles, you can have a cut-out chamois...
helps if someone else is washing your shorts nmsecourir
Feb 12, 2002 1:25 PM
There's a guy who rides in my Sat. group who . . .morrison
Feb 12, 2002 11:53 AM
wears tights when it's cold. His definition of cold is anything below 70. Problem is when he wears tights, he doesn't wear shorts. I can't figure that out, b/c his tights don't have a pad. How do I know? B/C THE GOD-DAMNED THINGS ARE SO WORN OUT THAT WHEN YOU DRAFT BEHIND HIM YOU GET THE BROWN EYE WINK ALL THE WAY HOME!

This has happened twice. We finally, after a grueling round of rock-paper-scissor elimination, drafted one of the newbies to politely (if such a thing can be) suggest that we would take up a collection to purchase him a new pair should finances be preventing him from adequately covering his bilge. He took it like a sport, and showed up the next week in a brand new pair.
LOL!!!!!! Yuck.Troyboy
Feb 12, 2002 11:58 AM
That's enough to end the day's ride prior to starting it.
Just thank the starsCrankist
Feb 12, 2002 4:56 PM
...there wasn't a big black dog barkin' at the back door; you'd have had to buy him diapers too.
Gonna make his brown eye blue.....;-b (nm)grzy
Feb 12, 2002 5:32 PM
re: Pace-line flatulency (or how to win(d)rollo tommassi
Feb 12, 2002 2:16 PM
I can't respond to such an immature subject with anything remotely mature! I give you, for your pleasure:
http://www.mrmethane.com

Turn of speaker volume so that person in cubicle next to you leaves!

Go Team Beano!
Mr. Methane is a nut!Tig
Feb 12, 2002 5:48 PM
He's made a few appearances on a local morning radio show. Strange fellow. The guy can really draw air up the wazoo and expel it out with pitch control, farting actual songs! I doubt he'll ever make it to my CD collection though.

Reminds me of a guilty pleasure, the pathetic yet humorous movie, "The Hollywood Knights".
It's tough to rip on a fixed gearAlex-in-Evanston
Feb 12, 2002 2:36 PM
Next time you rip one on the bike, check and see - I bet you're coasting.

Alex
so fixed gears are better for the enveironment.. hee hee nmsecourir
Feb 12, 2002 4:28 PM
Naah...you get a sort of "machine gun" effect. as you pedal.(nm)Greg Taylor
Feb 12, 2002 7:04 PM
re: Pace-line nothin, how about spin class? nmdzrider
Feb 13, 2002 5:41 AM
LOL! Now that's a funny image! nmmorrison
Feb 13, 2002 3:36 PM
I am in Italy, they stinkDWridesGT
Feb 14, 2002 3:00 AM
I am in Northern Italy right now, enjoying some of the greatest cycling on the planet, (just a benefit of the job) and let me tell you, these Itialians STINK!! They either don't shower enough, or at all, or something is causing them to emit the world's stenchest odor. I always end up with a group local of riders tricked out from head-to-toe in Mapei or Mercatoni gear, (everybody rides here) they call me "yankee boy" in broken english and I call them "stinky garbage" in perfect english as I ride next to them, they have no clue what I said. Whew....

DW