|"you and your stupid bike"||ET|
Sep 7, 2001 7:57 AM
|That's what my wife seems to be saying just about every day. She did so yesterday after I took it for a 5-minute ride before supper after I just brought the bike home from the nearby LBS so I could see how the bike felt after the repairs made to it following my crash and also with one spacer removed for the first time. She claims it wasn't just 5 minutes, if you include the time it took me to change (I did it so fast I thought I beat even Clark Kent) and get the bike out onto the street (I thought this was included in the 5 minutes), put bike back, then change back.
With her, this really was the last (or latest) straw. She does understand that one needs a longer cycling outing to get the equivalent workout of running, which I used to do before I got injured, but that doesn't change her opinion that I'm selfishly spending too much time cycling. A couple of times during the week I do a 12-mile lunchtime course at work (which doesn't interfere with her schedule), and I sometimes commute in on my hybrid (which doesn't interfere with her schedule). In the summertime, when there's more sunlight late, I wouldn't mind an occasional shorter ride after getting home from work if it wasn't a lunchtime ride day or if rain earlier in the day knocked it out. No riding on Saturday. But then there's the Sunday long ride, the only longer ride I can get in. This admittedly can interfere with schedules. Even if I get up bright and early, which I'm more than willing to do at least now when it's not cold, and something I anyway prefer so as to minimize traffic, my long ride will take at least two hours, after which I need to eat, drink, and then nap. She could argue the day is then gone and she had to watch the kids by herself the whole time, I would say it's reasonable, and after it all, it's still only noon. (Remember the good old days, when men were still head of the household?)
Does this sound familiar, or am I the only one? I was wondering if we could discuss cycling and the wifey friction thing (note: this has nothing to do with Dog's jokes :-)). Please let's stick to the friction over riding time itself as opposed to permission, or lack thereof, for bike purchases, which has already been discussed. The main issue to be considered is where you feel your time spent cycling is relatively minimal, completely reasonable, in line with your family responsibilties, and is slack you should get, and she feels otherwise. It would also be interesting to hear what those of you who admit you exceed reasonable guidelines of family responsibilities in your quest for cycling greatness or that need to get on the bike and get away have to say (e.g. how much alimony you're paying :-)). At least for me, forget about simplistic solutions like "just get her also to ride", cause it ain't gonna happen. I'm not sure if tit-for-tat time given to her will do the trick, cause I'm still spending that time away from home. Maybe if I buy her real expensive things every week (but there goes the budget)...
|I'm a wife and I NEVER give my husband...||Spinchick|
Sep 7, 2001 8:02 AM
|any crap about how much I ride.|
|LOL!! That's great... (nm)||nova|
Sep 7, 2001 8:11 AM
|did you say "crap"?||ET|
Sep 7, 2001 8:36 AM
|No need to start a flame war over a serious issue. The least you could've done is make a joke. :-)
Seriously, Spinchick, great sense of humor; I like the spice such stuff can add here. And I bet many here think that if their wife were as understanding as you, they'd have no problems at all; that is, if you'd ever be home instead of always out cycling. :-)
|Sorry, ET. Once a class clown, always a||Spinchick|
Sep 7, 2001 8:51 AM
I do understand your dilemma, believe me. I have a family and I like to spend time with them. I also am lucky enough to have a very understanding husband. He works long hours during the week so he is very happy to have the weekend mornings to spend with our daughter. Not that he never complains. After all, his term for my bike is "the mechanical object that consumes our lives." He also likes to get away for the weekends so he's happy (usually) when I drag them off somewhere new for some ride. I hope things ease up - for both of your sakes.
|re: "you and your stupid bike"||Tig|
Sep 7, 2001 8:12 AM
|I guess I'm lucky. My wife wants me to enjoy my "alone time" and doesn't want me to feel I have to be with her constantly or doing something different. Not that we wouldn't enjoy all the time we can get together. On weekend mornings, I ride and she checks out yard sales. She says "it's better than you going out with thy guys, drinking and whoring"! She even talks about getting a bike and riding with me (slower rides, not the fast group ones I do). I won't pust her that direction. I'll let it be her idea.|
|it was already part of the bargain||Hank|
Sep 7, 2001 8:17 AM
|my girlfriend and I have been together for 12 years, but I was already racing and doing 10+ hour riding weeks when we met, so she knew what she was in for. She may be surprised that it hasn't stopped, but she can't really complain. But I think it would be hard to start this sport and be able to explain to a long standing S.O. what's up--with the money and potential hazzards and the time--I think most would just assume that it was a rather annoying phase.|
|Girlfriend the same||jbrown2036|
Sep 7, 2001 8:20 AM
|She likes that I'm in shape.
She likes to watch me beat people in group sprints.
She likes that I know what a wrench is for and don't mind getting my hands dirty.
Yet, she is constantly pissed about how many afternoons on the weekend we aren't together. I thinks she just wants me around to watch her read or tell her how nice she looks.
This is why I won't marry her, and she knows it. Cycling is the most important thing to me in my life (feels odd saying that), but unless it's a perfect match I'm not doing it (and that includes cycling). Besides arguing makes it hard to recover.
|"arguing makes it hard to recover" Oh, that's a classic||JS|
Sep 7, 2001 9:07 AM
|I believe I'll have to use that one someday. :-)|
Sep 7, 2001 8:25 AM
|Trick the first: I ride only at lunchtimes, arrive at work 15min early and take a 1:15 lunchtime, so can ride for a full hour. I'd be in deep trouble if I tried to ride before/after work, though. I can negotiate an occasional long Sunday ride by taking the kids out on Sat, so the wife gets a few hours to herself: or if there's been a particularly busy week of evening quilting group, bookclub, etc for her. But then I'm usually back, breakfasted and showered by 10am Sun morn, ready for trouble..
I get really grumpy if deprived of regular exercise, my wife knows this, so sometimes I get shoo'd out of the house to go and work out "and come back in a better temper!".. hah!
After being competive for 25 years, it's tough to give it up, and resign myself to being only moderately fit and infrequently exercised: but that's what I decided to do when planning for kids. I figure when I'm 60, the kids will be out of the house, I'll be in a new age group (for triathlon) and I can come back strong then. Yeah right. But it gives me something to dream on.
|pick your poison||Dog|
Sep 7, 2001 8:30 AM
|If it weren't cycling, it would be something else. For me, it used to be marathon running, auto racing, school, work - I'm gonna obsess about something. Cycling is wholesome, so why not?
Nonetheless, there is a constant tension in my house over the time spent cycling. Not just the riding time, but travel, being away over night, maintenance in the garage, it never ends.
Problem is, I love doing it. I always have a higher goal, and I'll never be satisfied. She does not understand that. I might as well be telling her that I want to go to Mars.
We are thinking of marital counseling to help resolve the issue. I can't figure it out. I know I'm not going to sit around the house and get fat, but wanting to do RAAM is sort of at the other extreme. I - just - can't - help - it.
(In the) Dog (house)
|imagine if you added kids to the equation||ET|
Sep 7, 2001 8:51 AM
|I mean, I know you want kids and hope you get them, but imagine how that would complicate things for you. I spend far less time cycling than you, have never traveled out of town for a cycling event, and I'm still in deep sh$%t. Just because I have kids doesn't mean I don't need an outlet; even more so.
Yes, I share that striving towards excellence too, in many things, something my wife doesn't (she's more practical-oriented). If you want to really excel at something--anything--it takes a lot of time and devotion.
BTW, what's with all that bold print of yours? There's no need to shout. I'm not at home now and need a break from that. :-)
Sep 7, 2001 8:57 AM
|Isn't it easier to read? The regular print is hard on my eyes. If it's annoying, I'll stop. I THOUGHT THIS WAS SHOUTING.
|Actually I like the bold print, how do you do it? nm||Spinchick|
Sep 7, 2001 8:58 AM
|Actually I like the bold print, how do you do it? nm||ColnagoFE|
Sep 7, 2001 9:24 AM
<b> your text and then </b>
just don't use the marquee tag! ;)
|how to do it||Dog|
Sep 7, 2001 9:28 AM
|put the following before the text you want bolded: [b]
and the following after: [/b]
BUT, replace the [ ] above with arrows < > (If I typed it like it should be, it would disappear and just bold the text)
There is a "how to" right on this site, the HTML link below.
|did that||Spiritual Haiku|
Sep 7, 2001 9:47 AM
|hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...all too familiar. we have a 17 month-old and he's the center of my world. then riding. then work. i feel i'm an awesome papa, but my wife somehow disagrees. and yes, she is not on track with the long rides, out of towners, training, etc.--so i've been riding after the little one's in bed. figure it's going to get dark early soon anyhow, but it's not really a solution, is it? ride 8:00 to 10:00 PM weeknights, come home, shower, go to bed, get up, work, come home, do all the domestic stuff, do it over again...might as well (close) be riding the trainer. all this just to keep fit for 50-80 mile weekenders and the occasional century/event.
I think the underlying problem we're all suffering is due to our SOs not having an obsession of their own. yes?
|there are other challenges than cycling||ColnagoFE|
Sep 7, 2001 9:22 AM
|one of them being keeping your marriage going. Go to the counseling man...cycling will always be there...your family may not.|
|Now we know where the "dog" handle comes from||bianchi boy|
Sep 7, 2001 10:10 AM
|I'm often in the same boat (or dog house). After 17 years of marriage, though, my wife is finally starting to understand that I am always going to be obsessed about something. If it's not biking, it will be oil painting, or woodworking or gardening. Now she jokes about me and my "baby" -- that is, the bike. Marital counseling seemed to help us, and the counselor (a woman) actually helped my wife understand my need for outside interests. I, in turn, realized that I needed to pay more attention to her (and my daughter) and talk more. My biggest problem is that I am a total space cadet and off in my own little world much of the time. Getting in my regular excercise puts me in a better mood and my wife seems to recognize this.|
|Do all cyclists have bi-polar disorder AND||Spinchick|
Sep 7, 2001 10:31 AM
|obsessive-compulsive personalities? I thought it was just me...|
|Why else would we do something so repititive? (nm)||Len J|
Sep 7, 2001 11:12 AM
|Is that what's wrong with me?||bianchi boy|
Sep 7, 2001 11:43 AM
|It does take a certain personality type to sit on a narrow little saddle for hours at a time spinning some pedals.|
|the bike is neither stupid nor an obsession||Rod|
Sep 7, 2001 3:11 PM
|The bike, or whatever interest would replace it, is a passion. It's good and it's healthy to have passionate interests, in addition to one's spouse, in life. Doug, ET, and others, does your wife understand this?
If a wife calls the bike stupid or cycling an obsession, I suspect they are reacting in a surficial (is that a word?) kind of way, and not digging for the root cause of their dissatisfaction. Or if they know the root cause of their dissatisfaction, they are not sharing it with you. As so many posters have mentioned, poor and inadequate communication between spouses, that ignores root causes, is the source of most marital friction; not these surface causes like hobbies or not picking up a mess or taking out the garbage.
Seriously, consider counseling. And it's OK to try several if the first one or two just don't suit you. I've been married 31 years. My wife and I should have seen a counselor 31 years ago instead of 2 1/2. For 28 years we never really understood each other. In hindsight I can see just how truly sad that is/was. We got by because we focused on our educations and then by raising our kids. At 28 years, as empty nesters, my wife had a mid-life crisis. When one member of a pair has a mid-life crisis, both do.
Passions are good. The problems you allude to are somewhere else in your relationships. It may be in how you relate or don't relate to one another. Or the time you do actually spend together may be of indifferent quality. There are effective techniques for improving these aspects of a relationship. A counselor can help you find out what it really is.
I've had a life-long passion for fly fishing, which my wife never understood until she took up cycling about 6 years ago and developed a passion for cycling. I bought a bike thinking we could ride together and that it would be good for our marriage. It was irrelavent, because the root causes of our trouble always were much deeper. Nonetheless, it's at least one more thing we share an interest in, but it was the counseling that led to better understanding one another. Good luck!
|and probably she doesn't know the time...||Bruno S|
Sep 7, 2001 6:16 PM
|you spend at work on the internet posting about bikes. Don't ever tell her.|
|It used to bug me how much Miss M rode.||MB1|
Sep 7, 2001 8:32 AM
|Then I just went along with the program. Works better all the way round. And boy am I getting in shape. You never know what is going to change in your life-double the uncertainty when you are married. Try to meet her half way, maybe commute more or ride to a common destination on weekends with a change of clothes in the car.
Anybody have a recommendation for a good yard service in DC?
|pave it NM||Spiritual Haiku|
Sep 7, 2001 9:48 AM
|Pull it behind the cyclocross. nm||Spinchick|
Sep 7, 2001 9:50 AM
|You guys are mean. All my little fish buddies in our pond||MB1|
Sep 7, 2001 9:56 AM
|died this year while we were out riding. Couldn't even BBQ 'em. I miss talking & feeding to my little buddies (they were so cute Oscar, Meyer & Weiner are in that big fish pond in the sky now).
But I don't have to clean the pond near as often. Every cloud has a silver lining.
|I am really lucky.||Ian|
Sep 7, 2001 8:44 AM
|My wife and I have been together for ten years and I have been riding for six of those. I can't think of one time she has ever got on my case for riding. But, we are the type of people who each enjoy our alone time. While I am out riding she will curl up in a chair on the porch and read a good book.
Your story reminds me of a good friend who got into cycling, started racing, bought expensive bikes and rode all the time. The whole time his wife was on his case about his lack of home time. About 2 years after he started, he gave it up completely because it just wasn't worth listening to her complain.
On Labor Day weekend I rode Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I did 40, 50 and 45 miles each day returning home between 12:00 and 1:00 each day. And I just sold my 7 month old KG281 for a new KG361 and KG381i. She just says to get what ever I want and enjoy it.
Now, I suppose some of this will change when we have kids, it will have to. I really don't know what to say to help you ET, if she is complaining because she is watching the kids then offer her equal time. That may not work if she doesn't have a hobby, but that isn't your fault.
Best of luck to you.
|No tension in our house, unless..........||Len J|
Sep 7, 2001 8:46 AM
|my riding/wrenching time gets way out of balance.
Typically on the weekends, I will ride early & be home & showered & ready to take her to lunch & spend the afternoon with her by around 1:00pm on both Sat & Sunday. Only exception is if I'm doing a century. She knows that all she has to do is ask me not to and (as long as its not every weekend) I will not ride. She has been real clear with me that all she really wants is to be valued by me. As long as I choose to want to spend real time with her, she's OK. She's also a nurse who appreciates that I am doing something good for the body.
When she needs more time, she asks for it. I then have a choice.
Most of the time, we find time for all of the things we love.
Sep 7, 2001 8:54 AM
|I've been married to the same woman for 35 years. I've yet to find what makes her completely happy. She supports my cycling, actually she's probably just happy to get me out of the house. She only gets irratated if I start spending too much money for cycling stuff. I dunno, you can't live with them, and you can't life without them. You've entered an area that has no answer. Thinking about it, compromising is a good place to start. Hmmmm maybe my marraige has managed to last so long is because I have interests that keep me going? Or maybe I like to cycle to get out of the house and avoid friction? I dunno, time to go for a ride and think about this for awhile...|
|try this reply||Jiggy|
Sep 7, 2001 8:56 AM
|"You just don't understand."|
|My father used to tell me...||Bruno|
Sep 7, 2001 8:57 AM
|If you want to be happy never get married or have kids. |
Wise words indeed.
|Women, you can't live with them...||LC|
Sep 7, 2001 9:12 AM
|Hey, can you pass the beer nuts.|
|Women, you can't live with them...||Wannabe|
Sep 7, 2001 10:21 AM
|...can't shoot 'em.
:) Just kidding folks!
Balancing whatever hobby you have with family is a very difficult thing to do. I have several hobbies, or passions, (of which cycling is one) that I would love to devote huge amounts of time to. But that ain't gonna happen (unless I win the lotto!). Part of the problem is that my wife does not have any hobbies of her own. And how I have tried. There was tennis, fly fishing, cycling, golf, photography. None took. I am not going to give up my pursuits for her, but I'm not gonna give her up for my pursuits either.
Here's what works for me. If your S.O. belives you are doing too much for yourself, return the favor. Go that extra mile (oops, bad analogy!) for her. Plan special evenings on the town and surprise her.
Andy - Wannabe
|<b> NORM! </B> nm||JL|
Sep 7, 2001 12:54 PM
|Women, you can't live with them...||Lone Gunman|
Sep 8, 2001 3:31 PM
|can't leave them out by the curb when your done with them.|
|double-edged sword||Spiritual Haiku|
Sep 7, 2001 9:50 AM
|i've heard something like:
"people without kids feel sorry for people with kids. people with kids feel sorry for people without."
|re: "you and your stupid bike"||bikedodger|
Sep 7, 2001 9:00 AM
|I used to have the same problem. My wife complained any time that I got on the bike after work. I started riding to work thinking that there would be no problem with that as it didn't affect my time away from her, but she still complained. The longest ride I ever took was 30 miles on a weekend.
I now ride as much as I want, 20 to 30 miles is my normal after work ride, and get no complaints from the GF. I am much happier after divorce (we had been married for 20 years) and do not miss the ex. at all.
If you want to stay married, then get you and your wife to a marriage counselor ASAP!
|can you tell me about marriage counselors?||ET|
Sep 7, 2001 9:20 AM
|I've never been to one. Don't they always just say that the husband is an irresponsible piece of S#%T and charge a hundred dollars for that half-hour advice? And aren't they always divorced themselves?|
|can you tell me about marriage counselors?||bikedodger|
Sep 7, 2001 11:11 AM
The ones we went to were a married couple. They at no time put any blame on either or us. They wanted us to understand what it was that bothered each of us and what if anything could be done to reduce the botheration. Even though it didn't work out for us, I thought that the councelors did a great job. I think that if we had gone sooner the results may have been different.
I don't know what they charged as the ex handled the payments.
|There's good one's and there are bad one's........||Len J|
Sep 7, 2001 11:22 AM
|find one you both trust & then be willing to see your contribution to whatever problem you are dealing with. If you (or your wife) go in with the attitude that we are going to solve the other persons problem, it will not work. But in my experience, if you go in open to finding a solution that will work for both of you, open to maybe seeing your part of the problem, they are good guides through the problem solving process.
The best description I have ever heard of Counselors was that they were guides. If you wanted to cross the Sahara, would you be more likely to arrive safe with or without a guide? A good counselor is a problem solving guide. They will help guide the two of you to a solution. wether you decide to implement the solution is your choice.
|can you tell me about marriage counselors?||bianchi boy|
Sep 7, 2001 11:39 AM
|Try to find someone who has been to a counselor that they would recommend. My wife found our counselor that way. I was skeptical at first because the counselor was a woman, but she actually supported me quite a bit during our discussions. Not that she took sides or anything, but she helped my wife understand some of my behaviors that created friction. In our case, the counseling costs were covered, at least in part, by health insurance. Counseling isn't a quick fix, however, and it mainly provides you a roadmap for improving your relationship. It takes a lot of work and commitment, but it's worth it -- particularly if you have kids.|
|re: "you and your stupid bike"||jaybird|
Sep 7, 2001 9:08 AM
|Does she have a bike? I made a quick convert of my fiancee since I bought her a bike and invited her on a few rides. And I trained her right... She is now a Campy only girl and she understands why I want a ti wedding band.
One thing a buddy did for his girlfriend is that he gave her a day at a spa from "his bike" Don't aask, he had a name for his bike. But the end result is that she loved it...
|A gift from his bike, that's actually kinda cool :-) nm||Spinchick|
Sep 7, 2001 9:11 AM
|re: "you and your stupid bike"||DT|
Sep 7, 2001 9:11 AM
|you're gonna have to dump her, the alternative is just not possible|
|re: "you and your stupid bike"||raboboy|
Sep 7, 2001 9:18 AM
|Buy her a bike. Perhaps she might like to go with you?
I'm lucky in that my wife enjoys riding with me a few days a week for a couple hours.
|See a counselor... Or||MrCelloBoy|
Sep 7, 2001 9:19 AM
|have a hot date every week.
I was married 13 yrs. to a woman that I rode our honeymoon on bikes with. Her real interest was horses, and she gradually gravitated away towards that. We ended up divorcing after diverging for many years.
Relationships take work. Maybe you and she can go away for a weekend and talk about it. There might be something she wants from you that you could negotiate for bike time.
|See a counselor... Or||cycleguy|
Sep 7, 2001 5:06 PM
|My late wife and I went to a weekend marriage semminar many years ago. It was from a religious viewpoint, but I'm sure you could find any type if you look. The best two day investment we ever made.|
|re: "you and your stupid bike"||ColnagoFE|
Sep 7, 2001 9:19 AM
|I get a lot less time these days with a new baby (and a 6 year old) in the house. It's either a divorce or less time on the bike...welll maybe not that cut and dried, but you gotta get priorities straight. I'm not saying that cycling is not a priority for me...just that it takes second now to other things. It will all come back as the kids get older. My wife is actually pretty understanding about my needing to cycle and I try to cycle on weekend mornings and nights she has to work anyway to reduce friction there. She still doesn't understand why I need 4 bikes or more than one set of wheels (she calls them tires after repeated corrections) for my bike.|
|Difference between men & women||CRM|
Sep 7, 2001 9:19 AM
|I've had varying degrees of this problem with current and past girlfriends. My experience, however, is not as interesting as that of one of my closest cycling buddies. He is married and has had two kids in the last two years. This summer, his cycling time has fallen to new lows. His wife appears to be threatened by ANYTHING that takes him away from her.
I'm not trying to over-generalize or draw conclusions about EVERY woman on the planet, but with that disclaimer, I'll say that this seems like a difference between men and women. My friend's wife has some interests of her own and spends some time with her own friends, but nonetheless her entire life and her self-image seemed utterly tied to her husband. As stated before, if an activity or interest takes him away from her, then it is a threat and she feels that she must confront the enemy at all points.
I don't have children but I can appreciate the difficulty in taking care of two of them and I believe that my friend is very responsible and involved with his kids. But the fact remains that he loves to bike and that's a big part of him, too.
For me, the most important part of the discussion is this: If you love someone, how can you deny them that which they love and that which makes them happy? I don't understand it. Nothing makes me happier than to make my girlfriend happy. And I couldn't possibly marry someone who didn't feel the same way about me.
I guess I didn't really provide any answers here. I just hope I contributed to the discussion.
|Okay I have to chime in here...||Spinchick|
Sep 7, 2001 9:33 AM
|2 kids in 2 years is a different story. Is his wife a stay-at-home mom or does she go to an office (or whatever) every day? This would make a difference. My daughter is now 3 1/2. I just started riding again seriously this year after a 4 year hiatus. I remember what it was like being home alone 12 hours a day with a newborn and/or toddler. If she is home all day with 2 small children, she needs a break.
Just remember this: your kids are only kids once. They grow up eventually and you'll have plenty of time to ride. Just don't wish it away for an extra hour or two on your bike every week. A year or two is not going to make that big of a difference in the long run.
BTW, I do agree with the point of her having her own interests and/or hobbies (OUTSIDE of the kids). That makes a big difference.
|Admitted, it is very hard to take care of 2 kids||CRM|
Sep 7, 2001 9:46 AM
|She is a stay-at-home mom. I can only imagine how difficult it is to spend all day alone with two small children. In the evenings and on the weekends, I'm sure she longs for a break and she deserves one.
The flip side of the story is that my friend has a very stressful career, too. (In fact, he's a divorce lawyer!) So he needs time in the evenings and on weekends to unwind, too.
But the real point is not "getting a break" from the kids or the job. She has battled him on cycling from day one, long before kids ever entered the equation. He used to be "allowed" to bike once during the week and once (sometimes twice) on weekends. Now, an entire month can pass without him going for a ride.
The point of my first post is that I believe there is a common trait amongst some of the spouses/significant others discussed in this thread, that being that they consider an outside interest such as cycling to be a threat. If that's the case, then if anyone has successfully encountered this problem, please let me know how you overcame it so I can pass the plan onto my friend.
|The real reason she doesn't want you to ride is..||Dave Hickey|
Sep 7, 2001 9:20 AM
|Hmm. I'm beginning to think my wife is a polygamist. What's||bill|
Sep 7, 2001 9:21 AM
|your wife's name, ET?
My wife constantly gives me grief. But, as a friend of mine said when I was terrified about getting back late from a ride, "Your wife yells at you about everything. Why worry about this?"
The best marital advice I have ever heard, and I actually have heard it from several independent sources, is that you're better off being just a little hard of hearing sometimes.
Sometimes when I get back from a ride, the kids are screaming and mommy is stressed and she takes it out on daddy. Well, you know, instead of reacting, I just mumble "Sorry," whether I mean it or not, and pitch in immediately (you gotta admit, the nap is a bit much, ET -- don't push it). And it goes away. I know that it's not really that she doesn't want me to have a good ride or exercise or some time alone; she just gets a little bit stressed. She's been dealing with the sh*t herself, and now she wants to vent a little.
You just have to remember that, sometimes, yelling about the bike or whatever is a reflection of other frustrations that have nothing to with whether she wants you to be happy. Sometimes yelling is about her wanting to be happy, which may be a symptom of something else, which means that maybe you ought to be listening beyond the bike talk and take care of bidness. (After all, It's Not About the Bike, right?)
|regardng the nap||ET|
Sep 7, 2001 9:41 AM
|I don't demand time for a nap, and if we'd have to go out immediately upon my return and a quick shower, I'm certainly willing to skip it. But I don't deny that after my long ride, I'm less attentive to the kids, and if I lay on the couch for just a minute, I'll doze off, and if not woken, I'll be asleep an hour and a half (but then I'm good to go). Unfortunately the nap counts in the official log as time spent cycling.|
|Hmm. I'm beginning to think my wife is a polygamist. What's||goathead|
Sep 7, 2001 9:42 AM
|Gotta agree with Bill. Ditch the nap. I usually head out before 7 on Saturday mornings, so I can be back and showered by 10 at the latest. No matter how hard I ride I NEVER let on that I'm sleepy. Sleepiness really pisses off the wife. Besides, I can sleep in the afternoon when she's gone and the kids are having "quiet rest time." :-)
As far as the weekdays go - NEVER let work interfere with biking!
|You ever just stare at your bike?||mickey-mac|
Sep 7, 2001 9:21 AM
|Last weekend, my wife had a friend and her kids over to hang out with our kids in the backyard. I was cleaning my bike back there while everyone ran around. After finishing, I was just sitting there looking at the bike. Then I hear my wife saying "hello? hello?" I like up and the two of them are laughing at me because I've been sitting there trance-like admiring my shiny bike while they're trying to talk to me.|
Sep 7, 2001 9:27 AM
|My first wife begrudged me any time I wanted to spend by myself. If I tried to ride after work, same flak that you're getting. Weekends, forget it. I stopped riding because I didn't want to listen to the noise. We did have tow little ones at that time and she was spending her days at home with them, so ostensibly she wanted a break. In reality, what she wanted was control and that became much more obvious and painful as our marriage was ending. My learning from this - some people just want to be in control and personal, non-shared interests are often a major flash point.
My second wife is 180 degrees out of that phase. I started riding again when she suggested I was getting soft and now I ride both weekend days for 2-3 hours and at least 3 nights a week for an hour or so. She even encourages me to go after work when I'm feeling uninterested. She has her thing (horses and horse show managment) and I have mine. She never complains when I am out and I in return manage the barn when she's off for 2-3 weeks working a show somewhere else in the country. I do however drop a ride when I perceive that she's in overload, like when all 4 daughters are over for family dinner and things are hectic.
|what I want to know about horses is...||ET|
Sep 7, 2001 10:20 AM
|why you're happily married to someone who's really into horses and an earlier poster in this thread got divorced from someone who's really into horses.|
|Its not about the Horse. nm||MB1|
Sep 7, 2001 10:23 AM
|I'm not gonna say it. I'm not gonna say it. I'm not gonna say||Spinchick|
Sep 7, 2001 10:32 AM
|I know what you aren't gonna say! Don't say it! nm||MB1|
Sep 7, 2001 10:35 AM
|This is some restraint I'm showing. Don't you think? nm||Spinchick|
Sep 7, 2001 10:47 AM
|I saw that too.,||terry)b|
Sep 7, 2001 11:09 AM
|Don't know the answer, but the equines certainly work to my advantage. Her busy time for lessons is usually Sat. and Sun. from 8 until 1. Can't argue with that opportunity.|
|What you have is a failure to communicate...||DINOSAUR|
Sep 7, 2001 9:44 AM
|Notice how this topic has taken off? I have a "stupid bike", a "stupid pickup truck" a "stupid classic car". "Stupid" is clue that you wife wants you to pay some attention to her. The key to any succesful relationship is open communication. My wife is always saying that I don't talk to her. Marriage is a partnership. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I look at cycling as part of my life, not my whole life. When you become totally obsessed with something it can become unhealthy. Sit down and talk to your wife, ask her what it is that bothers her. Tell her that you love her. Communication and compromise is the answer. I'd love to ride for four or five hours a day. But my marriage and my daughter come first.
Maybe I was just lucky to have selected a career that allowed me to pick four of five different shifts to work. I worked swingshift, which was unpopular as it was so busy. My wife worked, I cound ride in the morning and do what I wanted with my time. When my wife got pregnant at the age of 40, I had to stop cycling for a number of years due to childcare. I made a sacrifice, she understands. I've paid my dues. I'm a husband and father first, a cyclist comes in second.
I hate to use the word selfish, but that comes to mind. It's not all about me me me, it's about us.
Now I'm really going for a ride (for me)...
|Dino, u da man. Will you marry me? I mean it.||bill|
Sep 7, 2001 11:11 AM
|WHAT DINO SAYS. Although, believe me, I am not always this cool about it, I've finally realized that, most times my wife is bitching at me, it's not about me. It's about what she's feeling, not about whether I'm right or wrong, and, if she's feeling bad, it's our problem. I don't make that better by proving that I'm right. I trust her to want the best for me, and, if it seems she isn't, well, it's probably at least a mutual problem (and sometimes it really is because I've been an a**hole, so that it's truly my problem). And sometimes it's because she just needs to be appreciated. |
When you come back, THANK HER. Not only will it completely take the wind out of her sails, but she probably deserves it. Tell it was a great ride and how much it means to you for her to have held down the fort while you were out expanding your horizons and increasing your LT. It may not work immediately, but it works, and it's good for you even to mean it a little.
|Only if you know how to build wheels and overhaul hubs NM||DINOSAUR|
Sep 8, 2001 7:44 AM
|re: "you and your stupid bike"||Dave|
Sep 7, 2001 9:51 AM
|I know where your coming from friend,I'm lucky if my wife will let me out of the house for more than an hour three times a week...
Even then I have to take the mobile phone with me so she can check up where I am....
My advice would be do what I do,keep her sweet by just doing an hour say twice a week then go for a long ride,four hours or more and face the flak when you get home.
It works for me,sort of....???
Good luck and enjoy your cycling....Dave
|re: "you and your stupid bike"||kyvdh|
Sep 7, 2001 9:53 AM
|Well, I haven't been married as long as Dino (17 years next month). But unlike most who have posted, I have 8 kids from 14 yo down to 1 mo old. All about 2 years apart. I have experienced the friction you suggest about several of my obsessions. The worst was golf. Spend $25-50 and 4-5 hours of time and get no significant exercise and couldn't include the kids. I gave that up. Woodworking and woodworking tools. Tried to make some money at that hobby but the time involved again kept me away from the family and kids and it was another black hole for money. When we built our house I did all the finish carpentry including the kitchen cabinets, vanities in bathrooms, etc. I got burned out on that one, still do occassional projects but their mostly for my wife and she loves that. Then it was jogging at night, she feared for my safety and it was beating up my body so bad I gladly gave that up. Do you see a pattern here? Yes, in most instances I gave up my goals and sometimes dreams for her and the kids. Why. Well, in my case I have the easy life. I go to work, interact with adults all day (many of them are much like children though), come home, spend a few hours with the family, go to bed and start all over. She on the other hand has a huge responsibility and workload that I could never handle. We also homeschool but that's a whole nother story. She is an amazing women. I am so happy to be married to her that I would give up anything to make sure she and I remain on good terms and working together. I do still manage to get in bike rides. 2-3 times at lunch during the week (12-20 miles each time). After work with 2-4 of the kids (makes for quite a parade) once or twice a week (SSD - short slow distance training). Saturday morning early ride (as soon as I can see my hand in front of my face) with my oldest son (30-45 miles). Usually back by 9:30 to 10:30am. Then shorter ride Sunday while kids and wife rest (again with my oldest son). I will do a couple of group rides during the year, one century and maybe one other fall ride. I also do dishes, laundry, and even change a few dirty diapers. In the winter I ride in the basement on a trainer for an hour or so after the kids go to bed. And if biking gets to much in the way, I'll give it up too though we have discussed it and seem to have reached a good compromise. She doesn't understand it and I can't say I have a good explanation to give for why it's so fun to ride and train and sweat, etc. But we work it out through compromise, open discussion, and commitment on my part to her and kids first, and then other stuff. Reading back over this it sounds rather idealic, and it certainly is not that but we are committed for the long haul to each other so we work it out. There's other stuff that helps too but this isn't the place to go into that. E-mail me if you want more discussion.|
Sep 7, 2001 10:13 AM
|that you can handle it all in an era when most have none or one kid (I have four). Sounds like you had to give up being a serious cyclist, though. Maybe unavoidable.|
Sep 7, 2001 11:38 AM
|"Sounds like you had to give up being a serious cyclist..."
I am a serious "dad". I am a recreational / fitness cyclist. Now when I had my three boys (14, 10 and 8) out riding last night I will say the thought crossed my mind how fun it would be to have a family team with jerseys and everthing when they get older and I can draft off all of them until the last few meters and then jump out of the saddle, sprint for the finish .... and still finish behind all of them. We did have a great time encouraging the 8 yo last night as it was his first ride out on the country roads. I'm amazed at how kids can ride 20" bikes with the short crank arms, single speed, knobby tires, really awful saddles, and come home beaming because they rode 5 miles with Dad and his older brothers. Good stuff. There is something to that thread about riding just for the fun of it and restoring the kid in us.
|I second the inspiring..........||Len J|
Sep 7, 2001 11:43 AM
|and add a little personal story.
I too have 4 kids, and I helped ruin my first marriage by not realizing what my first wife was trying to tell me when she would be frustrated with the time I devoted to work/fixing the house/hobbies/bike/etc.
My part of the breakup were as follows:
I forgot that I choose to have 4 kids with her. I let childrearing become her job while mine was to work. As a result, after the divorce I had to chhose to work very hard to develop a real father relationship with my kids. From that perspective the D was the best thing that ever happened to me. Shame it took almost losing my kids to get me to choose.
I took her complaints personally as opposed to recognizing them as crys for help. She was looking for adult companionship, for someone to value her. She wasn't expressing it well but I think that is what it was. (Unfortunatly in hindsight).
I wouldn't/couldn't talk about my frustration with the situitation so the resentment just built up.
I forgot that I choose her to be my companion. I ended up being not much of a companion.
I won't even get into her part in it.
I tell you all this in the hope that you won't need the 2X4 across the head (like I did) to take personal responsibility for your part in your marriage. I have since remarried & my current wife appears to be benefiting from the lessons I learned, I know that I am happier & feeling better about me because I try to stay clear about what's important, and how committed I am to my committments.
|I third the inspiring..........||mr tornado head|
Sep 7, 2001 2:01 PM
|I was content to not jump in but... Len, every one needs to read your post.
Been married 12 yrs myself, and I used to be obsessive about uitars nad playing in the band, then sold the guitar stuff (well, mot of it) and then started being obsessive about bikes.
Sometimes I get sore that i don't get to ride as much as I'd like or spend as much time on fixin' up the Beauty (the late '80's Bianchi) or working on the Beast (the Early '90's Trek 2300 with bright green fork and neon yellow stays) BUT... we've almost fell apart several times and really, I do want to be with her and my boys.
So I may not have that Bicycling training guide nailed, but hey, i'll still make it though the next century somehow and stay up watching a movie with my wife afterwards.
|buy a tandem!||alex the engineer|
Sep 7, 2001 10:08 AM
|she's jealous that you spend more time with the bike than with her. Get a tandem, and you can do both! Either that, or she'll get so tired, she'll quit her b!tch!ng and leave you alone.|
|<size=4><b>TEST</b></size> (nm)||alex the engineer|
Sep 7, 2001 10:12 AM
|<size=16><b>TEST</b></size> (nm)||alex the engineer|
Sep 7, 2001 10:12 AM
|She is trying to control you...||UncleMoe|
Sep 7, 2001 10:12 AM
|The one thing that has always pissed me off about people is when they feel the need to control others. Their thoughts, their actions, their beliefs, etc. My family is that way. I don't call them enough, I don't visit enough. blah blah blah.
Probably the biggest reason I married my wife was because out of every other girl I ever dated, she was the least controlling. She knows that by letting me have my little hobbies like biking and surfing, and giving me the time to do them, that she gets stuff in return. Her family lives 3 hours away and she always wants to visit them. She makes a trade off by letting me have tons of riding time in return for a weekend at her parents.
I commute to work which helps me fit in more riding time, plus saving $ on gas. It means I get up at 5:30 and she never complains about the alarm (well, she does sometimes).
My point is, if you really don't ride that much AND she still nags and complains about it, you need to talk to her directly and see a conselor if needed. If you don't, it is just going to turn around and you are going to resent her as much as she resents your bike.
|<color=red><b>TEST</b></color> (nm)||alex the engineer|
Sep 7, 2001 10:13 AM
|<animate><b>TEST</b></animate> (nm)||alex the engineer|
Sep 7, 2001 10:13 AM
|what exactly are you testing, alex the e? (nm)||bianchi boy|
Sep 7, 2001 10:40 AM
|Look Ma, HTML!||nm|
Sep 7, 2001 10:43 AM
|not a COMPUTER engineer, are you?|
|no, mechanical.||alex the engineer|
Sep 7, 2001 11:31 AM
|Fortran and C++ I understand, but this html junk is still foreign to me. Just trying to increase font size, change color, and animate. Doesn't seem to work on posting headings.|
|<font size=8 color=green>I'm warning ya...</font>||ColnagoFE|
Sep 7, 2001 12:16 PM
|don't mess with the marquee tag ;)....font and color should work as referenced above.|
|<font size=8 color=blue><blink>or for netscrape...</blink></font||ColnagoFE|
Sep 7, 2001 12:19 PM
|<font size=8 color=blue><blink>or for netscrape...</blink></font||azdave|
Sep 7, 2001 1:56 PM
|</font> This is a closing font tag.... should fix it.||azdave|
Sep 7, 2001 1:59 PM
|Thank You! nm||bikedodger|
Sep 7, 2001 2:00 PM
|<i><b>TEST</b></i> (nm)||alex the engineer|
Sep 7, 2001 10:14 AM
|...but it's HER fault...||Pogliaghi|
Sep 7, 2001 10:38 AM
|...she got tired of me sitting in front of the computer reading my pre-web Compuserve forums and internet newsgroups and whining about how fat I was getting. She told me, "go get a bike or something." I took her up on it and got my first bike in seventeen years, a Trek mtb. I started out commuting to work and riding the local trails. The first bike was stolen so I convinced her that I needed two bikes to replace it, one for commuting and another for off-road. She was still OK with it then, anytime I started to whine or annoy her at home she'd send me out of the house to ride. |
I really got into the bikes and started to spend more and more time tooling and riding. That's when she decided that maybe I was spending too much time with the bikes. By that time I had started doing lots of road rides, including metric centuries, which my friends told me I "really" needed a road bike for. She was a bit more hesitant when I told her about the road bike. Since I asked close to my birthday, she relented.
Every now and then she complains about how the bikes get in her way in the laundry room, or that packages of bike parts keep arriving at our door (it's really not that many.) She has names for my bicycles, "La Italiana," "the redhead" and "the other woman." I guess not so subtle hints that she's getting a little jealous. But she blames herself for getting me started, so she's pretty much accepted that I'm going to spend time with the bikes. Aahh, a peaceful house I live in, specially when I'm out riding. ;-)
|Whew! What a relief! From your post title...||ET|
Sep 7, 2001 11:10 AM
|I thought yours was finally going to be the first post turning the tides to suggest that I'm always saying it's HER fault when I'm at least as much to blame. Whew! I should've known better from this crowd. :-)|
|my best effort to relate||Duane Gran|
Sep 7, 2001 10:46 AM
|I'm not married, but I my last relationship ended because the person didn't respect my bike time. Please don't take that as an endorsement for ending your relationship, I'm just giving a preface to say that in an albeit different situation I can relate a little.
Actually, I had an experience where I think I finally explained to someone who didn't ride why it was important. It is the only time I have ever made it "click" for someone, so maybe this will be helpful to you. Undoubtedly you need to understand her, but she also needs to understand you. Okay.. onto the story.
My last roommate and I were looking for a new apartment for quite some time. We each had various requirements. I found some of his requirements a pain, as they limited our choices or drove up the cost, but I also had some limitations. I needed to be able to ride to and from work. Because I live in Washington DC (like many large cities) the choice of route can be nice or downright scary.
He had found his dream apartment, but for me it was a nightmare because I had to ride through an absolute demilitarized zone. I rode through there once to see what it was like. To get to the point, I saw all forms of mischief in the streets and decided that if I got a flat I wouldn't stop even it meant ruining the rim.
Anyhow, I explained this to my roommate and he exclaimed, "It's just a bike!" I flew off the handle and we had a nasty argument, but later I calmly issued this analogy, which finally made him understand:
Imagine if you had a dog and we were looking for an apartment. Naturally you would want to live in a neighborhood were you could walk the dog. Having parks nearby, and at the very least some grassy walkways would be appropriate. Now, if I insisted on a place that was unsuitable for the dog, that wouldn't be fair. Furthermore, if I explaimed that it was "just a dog" that would be totally insensitive. You see, for me, riding the bike is walking the dog.
Anyhow, a lightbulb came on and he then understood what it was about. I don't claim to know how you can express it to her, but I think most arguments and disagreements are because we misunderstand each other or we are guarded about our feelings. In an ideal world everyone would understand each other and have a self-supporting ego, but in reality we often need to express ourselves and make sure others know that we don't ride in order to escape.
|what's wrong with riding in order to escape? (nm)||ET|
Sep 7, 2001 10:58 AM
|It depends on what you're trying to escape from.||Spinchick|
Sep 7, 2001 11:10 AM
|I ride to escape to the countryside, escape from a ringing phone, escape from the huge pile of laundry that I have allowed to pile up. I do not ride to escape my husband. I do not ride to escape my child. I sometimes feel guilty when I start off on a ride. My husband can usually sense it and makes some comment like, "Go ahead, you'll feel better in about 20 miles." He is always right. When I return, I am always happy to see them and find out what they have planned for us for the day. I never take naps. No matter how much my husband says I need one ;-).|
Sep 7, 2001 11:54 AM
|In the case that started this thread, it sounds like the wife can't or won't accept that as an answer. For me personally, I escape for the same reasons you state PLUS:
- Biking is an incredible time to just be alone and one of the reasons I rarely do group rides.
- Sometimes on a bike I find I even escape myself. A long ride is like 5 hours of just being. At times I realized I've just covered a 30 mile stretch and thought of absolutely nothing at all.
- Even if you do ride to escape another person, who cares. Your not saying you don't love them, you're not saying you don't have fun with them, you're simply saying getting away from it all, and it all includes that person.
Why people don't get that I just don't know. Maybe I'm just to open minded. Add in the part about riding to escape yourself. That usually gets the point across. Riding is like being hypnotized to me.
Sep 7, 2001 1:26 PM
|That's what cycling is all about for me, the great escape.
When I worked and had a career, which involved stapping on a gun and a bullet proof vest everyday, cycling was my escape from the world. A place I could vent, and expel all my energy and frustration. Without it I would have been a wet noodle and would have gone over the edge. Even now I ride to escape into the great nothingness of the asphalt jungle. Music to my ears is the sound of my tires traveling over the asphalt and the wind rustling through the tree tops. It makes me a better person. I experience pain, suffering, heat, cold, fatigue. Stuff that you don't experience sitting on your ass in front of TV. My wife supports my cycling as long as she can balance out the check book at the end of the month.
Sometimes in the winter, I'll go out for a ride after it has been raining and come home and have a glass of wine and write poems that I composed while riding.
Cycling is good for the soul, and if you balance it well, it's good for a marriage also. That's what life is all about, balance. You just don't want to tilt it out of control (:
|Do you have to ride more than once a week?????||PaulCL|
Sep 7, 2001 12:17 PM
|Yes, dear, I do.
My wife and I have had a constant push/pull on the riding thing for years. I think she is beginning to understand. We had a heart to heart a few months ago - her passion for her work (MD practicing 'alternative medicine') and my passion: cycling. I equated my passion to hers..reminding hers that my passion is no less important becuase it is essentially a hobby, not a vocation. Given a choice, I would ride five days per week, but the reality of kids, wife, and work slap me in the face.
I don't race now because my children (ages 9, 7, & 3) still like me and want me around. I figure that might change in few years which, though disheartening, will leave me time to ride more often. As a note, I get up at 5:30am on Sundays, ride til 10am, then stay home with my 3 year old son until my wife and daughters come home from church. The two hours I spend playing with my little guy is the best two hours of the week. I also get up at 6 one day per business week and ride over two lunches per week.
All I can reccommend is to somehow impart to your wife that she and the kids are always first, but you NEED to ride. Afterall, you only go through life once and you have a right to live it your way. But please, very quickly offer some sort of concession like riding during lunch, getting up early to ride and not taking a nap (you'll get used to the lack of sleep) and offer her time to herself. My wife likes to paint and to sleep late and to nap. I make absolutely sure that she gets her time. It took us 12 years of marriage to quit "keeping score" on free time. Once we dropped the scoring, things got a lot better. Of course, she still gets 'yanked off' when I try to arrange vacations around good cycling destinations - oh well - can't have it all!
It takes time. Good luck.
|Sounds Like I am one lucky guy||TriBuddha|
Sep 7, 2001 3:00 PM
|Not only does she not mind but recently encouraged me to buy a computrainer, and suggested that we get custom bikes for our big anniversary! She also trains for Ironman races, just completed IM Canada, and knows all about the need to ride for 6-7hrs at a stretch. She also make sure I eat and sleep enough to continue training for IM in Nov. However, she does not cook.
Every now and again will buy me bike and running clothes b/c I have a tendency to wait until they fall apart before buying new ones. Also reminded me to take in Dark Angel for a tune up and that it needs a new cassette! Also suggested we do Portland Seattle next yr together. Only problem with this is she is going to whip my butt in next yrs races! To top it all off she will ask why I am even contemplating missing a workout if I so much as consider it.
Talk about luck, and yes all of the above is perfectly true, and yes she really is married to me.
|I used to have the same problem.||look271|
Sep 7, 2001 4:01 PM
|Your scenario sounds familiar. However, within the past year, she has mellowed out. I do a crapload of work around the house (I mean, everything-washing clothes, cleaning house, dishes + typical "man-stuff"), so I felt it was my compensation for doing this. She has backed off. She likes how it keeps me in shape and how much HAPPIER I am when I ride. Really, I do try to keep the intrusion in family life to a minimum, but occassionally I slip (65 mile ride on a Sunday afternoon-oops!) Best advice? Talk to her when you are both level-headed and discuss WHY you need to ride and what it would be like if you didn't ride. Worked for me.|
Sep 7, 2001 4:18 PM
|Like some others who've contributed to this really great thread, I've been married a long time -- almost 31 years. Every relationship is different, but I've never seen one that could survive lack of clear communication. In a conflict like this one, each partner needs to establish clearly not just what he or she wants, but why.
And I don't just mean the immediate goal ("I want to ride my bike;" "I want you helping with the chores"). I mean your overarching goals for the relationship ("I want to be healthy when we're 80 years old, so I can always be here for you;" "I want to know that our relationship is the most important thing in your life").
If you find yourselves guessing about what the other one wants, that's a sure sign communication is breaking down. Guessing is for people that are dating. Married folks talk to each other and open up so there's no guessing involved.
It takes committment to do that, and courage. It's why marriage is such a big deal, or should be.
Someone mentioned marriage counseling. The main point of counseling is to facilitate this process if you can't get it going on your own. It can help even the most committed couples get off the dime when they're having trouble looking each other in the eye and expressing their real feelings.
As for me, well, my entire family is happy to see me ride as much as possible since I almost died of a major heart attack in 1995. Sorta changes your perspective about what's important.
|Weekends, my wife likes to sleep in until 1-2 pm so...||Bruno S|
Sep 7, 2001 6:24 PM
|cycling has been actually better for the relationship. I used to get mad at her and try to wake her up early so we could go out and do something. Not anymore, I usally put 50-60 mile rides Saturday and Sundays. I get back from the ride, shower, eat and nap before she wakes up. Then we do things together. Its like we live in two different time zones. We share some hours and the others each of us does what we please.|
|The only thing better than...||tirider|
Sep 7, 2001 7:05 PM
|...a spouse who shares all your interests is one who doesn't and lets you do your own thing. My wife is currently on vacation with a friend while I am home this week riding my ass off (so to speak). Neither of us has the need to spend every waking moment together which is perhaps why I'm married to her and not some of the other bitchy women I've known. That is not to say however that she completely understands my passion for cycling. Suffice it to say that we don't have kids... I'm sure that would completely change the equation. I'm a firm advocate of quality time with one's spouse in lieu of quantity of time although that didn't seem to work with my first wife.|
|re: "you and your stupid bike"||BrianU|
Sep 8, 2001 12:29 PM
|Damn dude, you have got a real tuff situation there. I'm not going to pretend to know exactly how to fix your problem, I'll just tell you how I deal with making time for riding and my wife. Maybe you can get something from it. First, I'm pretty sure there are very few married cyclist that get to ride as much as they would really like. Successful marrages are about compromises. My wife and I have an understanding about when I can ride. As long as I stick to our arrangement, she is happy. Like most active people, if I do not get to do some kind of physical activity on a regular basis, I can become an unpleasant person to live with. This statement comes from the wife herself. When I'm not riding, my time is hers. She knows this and appreciates this. Bed and bath shops, home and garden shows, patiently waiting and having a helpful input while she decides what pair of shoes goes with a certain outfit. Going hiking on a trail that would be awesome mountainbiking. Babysitting her friend's kids. I rode 40 miles this mourning and will be out there again tomorrow mourning. Sometimes I get to ride more and sometimes less. I did the week-long ride across Iowa this year. Sometime this year, we will spend a week together somewhere. Even though I leave the bike at home, I have started really looking forward to this time together.
I hope you can work something out with the other half. Maybe some kind of counceling. Sometimes it can take someone on the outside to point out the obvious. I've been married 9 years and this has been while I am active duty Navy. The last 5 years have been an extended sea tour. I have spent about 140 days a year away from home during this time. I think about my wife and my bikes the whole time I'm gone. Coming home and telling the wife that I'm going riding is not a good thing. We have had some rough times. Make sure she knows that she is more important to you than your riding. This seems obvious to me now, but it took me about 6 years to figure it out.